Loaded

Hey, Sylvie will be with you in a moment, she's just...

I'd just rather not say what she's doing.

Thanks for coming. New game. Pitch me, go.

OK, well, we had something in the vault,

an old idea. Yeah, it's one we're really excited about it.

It is a game we've always wanted to make.

It's a racing game, set inside the human body.

Cavity Racers. You're a blood cell... Or an enzyme.

And you're racing along the arteries,

or the main pulmonary highways, and then you get into the cavities.

Would you race to the bladder?

Oh, great idea. Could be an expansion pack.

Bladders full of piss?

It is a bit grim. Give me a chance to try out my real-time 3D fluid

and particle rendering. You've got

a new physics engine that renders realistic piss?

I really do, yes. Big picture - it's a satirical intravenous

cart-style racing game about body fascism.

For kids of all ages.

Wow, guys. I mean, that is a great idea.

And it sounds really commercial.

Uh-huh.

How's it going, my whole British sarcasm thing?

Yes, you are really getting the hang of it. Thanks, Watto,

I really appreciate that.

I don't really, I was doing it again.

Anyway, we just got back The Cap Factory projections

from the third and fourth quarters,

and like my best friend from high school, Tania Devon,

they are not pretty.

We're going to be making some cutbacks.

Like how? We're going to be looking at efficiencies,

doing a full personnel audit,

finding out what everyone in the company does.

That's a good idea because there's one bloke, Tiny Barney,

I have no idea what he does.

Who's Tiny Barney?

Including you guys.

Us? We have to do it, too?

You mean we've got to reapply for our own jobs?

Naomi will walk you through it. It is a form you fill out.

It's just admin.

OK, I've got somewhere to be.

No idea where. Naomi!

"It's just admin, really. It's just admin."

Said Chairman Mao as he released the great famine.

Now, I'm quite excited about this because I love asking questions,

so if there's anything that crosses the line, just say.

Sorry, a bit anxious, look at the state of those nails.

Job title? Officially, I am the code wrangling monkey boy.

I've got it on my card, actually.

Leon had these printed up for a bit of a joke.

First question, Leon, nice and easy, what do you do?

How do you mean? Obviously, I know what you do. It is obvious,

but if it was not obvious, what would you say it is?

Business development, more crucially - had a vision.

I'm the big picture guy, Josh is details.

Lost in the desert, I am like,

"Let's drill for oil, make ¤1 billion."

And Josh is like, "Guys, there's sand in the picnic."

Lead designer, ideas man, head of creative.

I'm the guy who keeps the train on the tracks. Without me,

the wheels would fall off, and Watto sets his beard on fire.

Both of which are examples of things that have actually happened.

Artist in resident/office weirdo/human totem.

I'm the spirit of the place.

Keeper of the flame. But you do coding also?

The old ones and zeros.

I don't need to, not my thing.

It's like, is Captain Birdseye an actual sailor? I don't know,

but he makes great fucking fish fingers.

So you come up with the ideas?

No, Josh is ideas, but that's the easy bit.

How would you summarise your position within the company?

I'm the brains. I'm the brains.

And if Leon answers otherwise, he's a liar.

He said you are the details guy,

and then something confusing about picnics.

He said that? Josh says that he's the brains.

Fine, I'm the face. Obviously, the brain controls the face.

No, no, not to this face, this face is disconnected from the brain,

this face does not always do what the brain tells it to.

Like you have Bell's palsy?

Like my Nan, with the eyelid, ugh.

I mean, kind of.

I'm the back. Not the backbone,

I'm just the flesh on the back.

Can't see me from the front, but I'm always there,

just a giant dependable mound of...

of back flesh.

It's more of a floating role, really.

I'm less of an employee and more like a gas that permeates the space,

like radiation.

I definitely do something that you can't see what it is that I do.

Except, I don't give people cancer. I don't do that.

Business development. I develop the business.

Ding, ding, ding! Sorry, but that's all we've got time for,

thanks so much for playing, Leon.

No, but seriously, thanks.

I also do this.

Aw.

You can keep that if you like.

Thanks. And I really love what you've done to the office.

Last one, bit of fun, favourite wizard in literature?

Ponder Stibbons from the Discworld universe.

Sorry, who?

Ponder Stibbons from the Discworld universe.

I'm sorry, why would you need to know that?

Don't worry, I'll just put Gandalf. No, don't put that,

it's too obvious.

Give me a minute.

Sorry, I have other people coming in. Just give me a second.

Prospero.

PHONE RINGS Yeah, put that. Yep.

Hi, Dad. How's the...?

Wait, what? What do you mean?

That was my dad on the phone,

they are back from holiday two months early.

What, that boring holiday that you bought them as a passive aggressive

fuck you for taking you to Disneyland too many times?

Wow, I wonder why. I ought to go and see them.

Watto, you got some packages. I left them on your desk.

Right. Yeah, good, thanks.

Broken Racehorse by The Blind Snake

Oh, sweet horny hell, that's good.

Watto?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yes, Ewan?

You OK in there, matey?

Uh... Yes, thanks, I'm fine, matey.

Do I need to go and fetch Josh and Leon?

What's in the box there, mate?

Are we talking pharmaceuticals, or..?

Toby jugs. Toby...? Just Toby jugs.

Ah, interesting. And can I see them or...?

Recently, I have become quite an avid collector of Toby jugs.

Didn't have you pegged as a Toby mugs kind of guy.

This is a fucking lovely piece right here.

Wow, he's a biggie, isn't he?

I just like the smell of them, you know.

Sure, I know.

I know. Don't need to be worried about this, mate.

It's harmless, Ewan. I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be.

So, I have been going through

Naomi's fact-finding report re-efficiencies... Where's Josh?

Oh, he just had to pop out.

Why is there so much popping out in this office?

You know what's going to pop out pretty soon? My semiautomatic,

and I'm going to shoot the next motherfucker

who pops out during office hours.

Note to self, cancel podiatrist.

I'm joking. OK, so, energy bills are huge,

you're paying way over for your server hire.

And why is there always music playing in the bathroom?

It's crazy making. Are you aware of how many

different teas you are providing for your staff?

13, one more than Google.

14, we just added Assam.

14, two more than Google.

Great, that is really impressive. Well done.

Not really, I'm doing it again.

Watto, cut the teas, you're not a 14-tea organisation.

Ewan, I need you to lose three from coding.

What, sorry? There's a duplication of roles.

We have coding guys in LA you can use,

so I need you to fire three people.

Redundancies, you think you can handle that for me?

Absolutely not, categorically no way.

Great, Naomi get him the names.

Leon, some confusion over what it is you do exactly.

What? How do you mean?

I made this place. Now, we understand what you did -

you raised the money, you made the sale happen -

but what do you do now? What do you do NOW?

Like, what's the last thing you actually did? Like, now.

Like, tell me now. Like, tell me right now.

I fixed a... Paper jam.

Don't say paper jam. A paper jam.

Don't say paper jam.

Casey... Casey...

Casey, this is me.

No disrespect, they're the worker bees, that lot out there,

I am the Emperor bee.

I don't think there is such thing as an Emperor bee, though.

I can't believe this, Casey, I am basically you.

It's fine, Leon. It's fine, really, we just need to find you a new role.

OK, so teas, firing, Leon, good. We are all done.

Excellent. Thank you guys so much for your time,

I really appreciate it.

I don't! I don't, I was doing it again.

So, you just bailed on your holiday, did you?

What, too much culture for you?

Couldn't wait to come back home and watch Doc Martin and eat crumpets?

No, we had a good time.

I had arranged a very special dispensation for you both

to visit the site of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Iraq.

But maybe we'll just cancel that, shall we?

Maybe go to the garden centre, eat a ploughman's?

Where's Mum? In the caravan.

Why is she in the caravan? Ask her.