Grandma

You know I love you, but I can't do this anymore.

You're never there for me. You're a terrible girlfriend. But...

you're a wonderful poet.

I'm not a wonderful poet, I'm an academic.

An unemployed one.

You should send your new poems to your editor.

She's got dementia. She might actually like them.

Are you breaking up with me or giving me a pep talk here?

- Stick with the narrative. - Please, Elle...

- We always knew it was gonna happen. - What?

Well, I mean, you're your age, and I'm rapidly approaching 50.

Heh.

I mean, what did you think was gonna happen?

You don't need a crystal ball here or anything.

Do you love me?

Were you ever in love with me?

Because you never said it.

I'm gonna vacuum.

- I thought love conquered everything? - No. Love does not conquer everything.

Four months, Olivia.

Four fucking months we've been together.

Try 38 years.

Try being with someone for 38 years.

You're a footnote.

A "footnote"?

- That's a really horrible thing to say. - Yes, well, I'm a horrible person.

Look, I'm gonna take a shower before I vacuum.

You can let yourself out.

Okay. Okay, that's it.

- Yup. That's it. - Goodbye.

Leave your key on the coffee table.

Ahh.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Sage. - Hi, Grandma.

What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd drop by. Heh.

Why are you dressed like that?

I've been sitting around all morning being maudlin.

Come on in. You want some tea?

Um....

- I need some help, Grandma. - Okay.

So, what's going on? I'm not a mind-reader.

I need $600, 630.

For what?

Um.... I'm pregnant.

Okay.

I don't want to have a baby. I want to get an abortion. And I'm broke.

And I only have $18.

Is that terrible?

Well, it's nothing to dance a jig about.

- Does your mother know? - Mom? No. Ugh.

I mean, she would have a stroke, and then she'd start strangling me...

- ...and then she'll get a stroke. - Well, she'd strangle you, all right.

I'm such an idiot.

Such an idiot. I'm such an idiot.

Yeah, well, so was I when I was your age.

What am I gonna do?

Well, you already said what you're gonna do, right?

I mean, you've put some thought into it. Haven't you?

Because this is something that you will probably think about...

at some moment, every day for the rest of your life.

So do you have it? Do you have the money?

Sweetheart, at the moment, I have $43.

- Forty-three dollars. Are you joking? - Cookies.

- How do you have so little money? - Because I got sick of being in debt.

So I paid it off. Every cent I owed.

I wanted the weight off my back.

My God, I still had hospital bills from Vi.

Twenty-seven thousand dollars' worth.

Why didn't you just ask Mom to help?

Why don't you?

- Remember these? - Yeah.

I don't need help. I have swept the decks clean.

At the end of next week...

I have a check coming from some guest lectures...

- ...I did in Santa Cruz. - Do you have a credit card?

You know, I cut my credit cards up into little pieces.

I made a wind chime out of them.

- Why would you do that? - I'm transmogrifying my life into art.

Oh, my G... You know, what kind of adult doesn't have a credit card?

This adult. Credit cards infantilize you. They turn you into a pod person.

- You must have a credit card. - No, I don't.

Mom confiscated it after I crashed the car in the garage. Shit!

Wait. Hold on. Hold on!

- What? - We're gonna deal with this.

First, tell me where you got this $630 figure.

I went to a clinic called Pine Rapids.

I have an appointment for the procedure.

- When? - 5:45.

5:45 today?

Are you fucking out of your mind? It's already 9:05.

Yes, and they don't have another appointment open this week.

And I just feel sicker and sicker and I can't wait. And I feel sick.

I know a women's health clinic where they help you for free.

Vi used to volunteer there. Come on.

Yeah. Here, grab the cookies.

- You still have Vi's car? - Course I have Vi's car.

Let's go.

Come on, baby.

Damn it to hell.

Oh, God, I didn't wake you up again, did I?

- No. Oh, good. So glad.

- She's already pregnant. - Grandma!

I'm just saying. I see the hormones popping.

No ideas. We're good. Here, give it a try.

Ah! It's working.

Ooh. Nice tunes. Listen, thanks.

Anytime. Take it to the shop and get it checked out.

- It runs good. - Hey, congratulations.

- Where the hell is it? - I don't know.

- When was the last time you were here? - I don't know. Maybe 10 years.

Now it's a damn coffee place.

I could use some coffee.

Oh, Jesus, fuck. I mean, this is... This is the worst.

Women's Health Action Center.

- It closed five years ago. - How could they close this place down?

Where can you get a reasonably priced abortion these days?

Because these days all you can get is this shitty coffee.

How far along are you? When was your period?

- Ten weeks ago. - Mine was 25 years ago.

We had a ceremony for it, Vi and I did.

I mean, $600 for an abortion! What the hell? That is highway robbery.

Quiet.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

- Excuse me? - I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

When? When are you gonna have to ask us?

- I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now. - Oh, you are asking us?

- Yes, you're disturbing the customers. - I'm a customer.

- Do you know what a customer is? - I know what a customer is.

A customer is someone who pays for your services.

So I am a customer.

I mean, what other customers are we disturbing?

- Oh, them? Ozzie and Harriet? Yes. You're disturbing them.

- No, we're disturbing you. Isn't that right? - Yes, you are also disturbing me.

Because, what, I'm talking about abortions?

Do you know this used to be an abortion clinic?

Take your coffee and enjoy it somewhere else.

Where you're standing right now...

there were thousands of unintended pregnancies terminated.

- Please leave. Leave now. - No, no.

I'm staying here to enjoy this $3 drip coffee.

And I've got some additional information: all coffee drips.

You don't have to say "drip" coffee. That is a redundancy. Oh, look, it drips.

Oh, my God, it drips so well!

This is the best drip coffee I think I have ever dripped anywhere.

It's just absolutely fascinating. Look at this. Hey, hey.

Hey, sis, drop Ozzie sometime and give me a call.

- Look at this, isn't this good? - (IN NORMAL VOICE): Uh, okay....

- Look, I'm writing your name here. - I'm so sorry. Let's go.

"Fuck head." What do you mean you're sorry, goddamn it?

- He's the one that should be sorry. - Sorry.

- French press coffee. - What?

- French press coffee doesn't drip. - Well, I guess not. Touché.

- So who's the guy? - What?

I assume there was a penis involved.

- Who is he? A one-night stand? - No. Ew. No.

He's kind of my boyfriend. Look, I don't know.

You don't know? If you don't know, who does know?

He was supposed to get me the money by this morning.

All right.

- And? - And he didn't get it...

and he didn't get back to me. I texted him like a hundred times.

All right, well. This is his problem too.

You understand that, right? Do you? Do you understand that?

Yeah, I do, but....

- He's not the one who's pregnant. - That's the fucking problem, isn't it?

He's isn't the one who's pregnant. He'd be shitting his pants if he were.

He'd find the money if he thought he was gonna swell up...

- ...like he swallowed a watermelon. - Yeah.

- So let's go see him. - Wait. Who? No. Cam?

- That's not a good idea. - Cam? That's his name?

- Cam? Oh, Cam, Cam. - Stop. Please.

My heart throb man. Cam, Cam. Thank you, ma'am.

- Hey, wait up, kid. I've got the keys. - Stop it.

- You're getting on my nerves now. - Don't make me fall.

- Oh, please. - I could break a hip.

Yo, what are you doing here?

Are your parents home?

No.

Can I come in?

Uh.... Yeah. Whatever.

Oh, shit.

Um, you were supposed to bring me the money.

Yeah. I couldn't get it.

That fucking asshole wouldn't front me. I thought he would. It's bullshit.

But you're gonna have to get the money, Cam.

- Look, who is this? - It's my grandma.

Half. Give us half the money.

Yo, Grandma, what you doing here?

You're gonna have to take responsibility.

- How do I know it was me? - What?

- You heard me. I didn't sleep with anyone else.

You slept with Mike.

Yeah, like a year ago. And we used a condom.

Yeah, why didn't you use a condom? Or, for humanity's sake, get a vasectomy?