Shameless

Look at me, and look at the Queen.

I wasn't a fan until it occurred to me how much we have in common.

Bringing up kiddies you can't remember the names of.

I know she's not a single parent, but she might as well be.

Plus, the pair of us, we've stuck to our guns -

her literally sometimes - and flagshipped a dying breed.

Admired and despised equally. Not for never lifting a finger.

No - for setting examples through extremity.

And whether you're a bigwig on her end or a bigwig on mine,

you've still got all your dickheads in the middle to deal with,

snip, snip, snipping at your benefits.

I mean, she can't not be looking at me and thinking

"What's your secret, Frank?"

I got shot of my kids yonks back,

whereas she's yet to see the back of a single one.

Fine, I've had to get out of bed on occasion to make ends meet,

whereas she's done the whole thing from a chair.

Oh, and a drink for the lady.

Oh, sure, there's perks, but look at her lot -

Brian May prancing about on her roof.

Now, look at my lot -

we know how to throw a proper fucking party!

'Most people are born to be led. But some...

'Some are born to lead.

'With the right ingredients, we rise up and we take our place at the top.

'I reckon it's mainly in the genes.

'But the backing of a loyal family often helps.

'The Maguires - OK, we never said we ran Manchester.

'We never wanted to.

'But Chatsworth? This is our manor.

'Our way.

'We're the social services...'

Fuck off!

'..The bank...

'..the police...

'..Always looking to branch out, provide new services.

'Mam's getting all socially aware

'and making inroads into education...'

A Rastamouse DVD for the team that picks the most!

Ready, go!

'..Brother Shane's expanding into leisure with a festival site...'

A toast! To expansion.

Expansion. Expansion.

'And I'm at the helm.

'Bottom line, we look after our own.

'Our estate, our own little kingdom.

'Chatsworth.'

Pap-asite in the area, scruff us up and dumb us down.

They'll need air-brushing with a road sweeper, that lot.

Yeah, that's the one, that's the one.

Oh, yeah, there's the money shot.

Ey-up! Midnight flit. Avril Powell at three o'clock.

Pound back on your trollies?

Head up.

I've never felt like such a tramp.

Manchester's still alive!

Yeah!

When I hear "shithole", I don't listen any more.

Yeah!

Just like the Olympic Committee didn't listen to Wilmslow

and Bowdown and chose Chatsworth...

yes, Chatsworth, to receive

one of the actual rings from London 2012!

Where Manchester leads, the rest of the country follows.

Football!

Ticket touts!

Music!

Persian rugs!

Fashion!

Only a tenner for your Jekyll Lacostes.

The Olympic motto is our motto as we regenerate the shitholes.

Swifter, higher, stronger than before.

Roll up, steroids on tap.

No, it's mine.

Police brutality!

My grandad died for free speech

on the fields of Peterloo, you monkey!

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present your very own Olympic ring!

That's not an Olympic Ring.

Shit.

Hey, Lou...

Erm... well, I, listen...

Go home, you fucking weasel.

Yeah!

They're past their sell-by.

Off! Off!

Ladies and gentlemen, please...!

Please!

Stop! I will not submit to brutality!

Rodney King, Mark Duggan, now another tragic "accident".

You take him on, you take us all on.

Come on, let's have it, you wanker!

Not the ring, not the ring!

Tell them to calm down.

They're only having a laugh.

They listen to you.

Yeah, to a point.

All units back down...

Thought that fat 5-0 was going to cry when the egg hit him in the head.

Hey, enough! Kids play on this street, Tel.

Hey, Tish, you proper missed it! We proper showed them.

What happened?

The feds shit it!

How's the big move going?

I'm moving in with my big sister.

Yeah, works wonders for my self-esteem.

Well, she's always thought she's better than everyone else.

Yeah, and a homeless, potless little sister just perpetuates the myth.

See ya later.

Bye, love.

Use your Old Spice! That aftershave doesn't come cheap.

The stronger aroma caressing your nostrils

is the sweet smell of success.

Oh, Avril's moved out.

Are you Frank, the bloke who shifted Coggsy's furniture?

And duly twinged a hamstring in the process, yeah.

Happy days.

Fuck, you talking... hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm expecting someone.

We know. Jizzabelle.

Just diagnosed with a nasty dose. Waiting on a prescription.

Professional hazard, but a lucky break for you.

Lend us your phone.

We always come as a pair.

You ready for the night of your life, Frank?

What's up, Frank?

Coggsy. Yeah, we need to renegotiate, mate.

I'll take the money instead.

These two are bigger than the fucking settees.

Oi! Don't get personal, Franky Wanky.

Where's Jizzabelle? I don't care if she's got AIDS.

I'll get double bagged up and watch her tamper with herself.

I'd rather do a Rock Hudson

than be trampled on by these gastric bandits.

Cheeky twat.

What about the bird in the photo?

Coggs...

I'm Sherrilee.

And I'm...

Derrilee.

And once you've been spatchcocked by us...

There ain't no looking back.

Hiya! Hiya.

Any feds come back?

Don't you love smashing them up?

Why so snide? Just a couple?

The last thing your borderline personality needs

is a dose of this twisted shite.

No-one else coming?

It seems people have got cautious in their old age.

OK, then, I'm going to be all right, go on.

Mushroom virgin. I promised I wouldn't let him go under.

I'm a firm believer a trip a year is a great work-out for the swede.

About time you told me who you've been shagging.

Wide smile, sparkly eyes...

She's right. You can't fake that shit.

Don't be stupid.

This will open you up.

No pain, no gain.

I was there!

My 21st? It was a madhouse.

God, I was fucking fat!

Hey, that was the night Jamie was conceived.

Paddy sneaked out of the open nick for my birthday.

Only shag in five months, and I'm off me trolley on mushrooms.

It wasn't just a shag.

Are you getting at something?

Oh, that image has scarred me for years.

What image?

I thought the two of them were attacking you.

Tell me what you're on about.

Paddy wasn't the only one getting it on.

Alfy the Arab? The medical student?

Now I remember.

Paddy was up the Gary Glitter.

Wahey!

Suppose someone had to.

It wasn't his thing. Ever. The mushrooms must've loosened him up.

That's how I know.

Your only shag in five months?

The night Jamie was conceived?

'But Alfy was up the front and...'

'Paddy was up the Gary Glitter.'

Frank's heard you've got mushrooms.

Someone going to tell me what's going on?

Your mam can't look down her nose at me anymore, the dirty bitch.

You know how big she was back then.

I suppose Mimi's sexual deviance is the least of your worries.

32 years happy with who you are.

I'm happy.

Connor's happy.

You're still you.

Still feel like a pound of semtex has gone off in my head.

Do I get the impression you liked that, Frank?

Oh, God!

Eh, Derrilee, what the fuck are you doing? Get over here!

In a minute.

There's no telling her, Frank. It's a proper obsession.

I have to clean.

She goes through £30 a week on bleach alone.