3rd Rock from the Sun

IT'S A PERFECT NIGHT FOR OBSERVING.

IT'S WARM, DARK. THE AIR IS CRYSTAL CLEAR.

OKAY, THEY'RE IN BED.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SATISFIED

WATCHING THE MULLERS FROM AFAR. THIS ISN'T WHAT HUMANS DO.

HUMANS DON'T JUST OBSERVE EACH OTHER. THEY INTERACT.

- WE SHOULD MAKE CONTACT WITH THEM. - OHH!

HERE'S SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW, WITHOUT THEIR CLOTHES, THEY SEEM KIND OF...

- GELATINOUS? - YEAH.

- WHAT IS HE LOOKING FOR? - I'M NOT SURE YET.

WAIT. WAIT! YES, THIS IS IT.

I BELIEVE THEY'RE GOING TO MATE.

- Sally: AW! - OHH!

TOMMY, PAY ATTENTION.

WHY? THIS IS LIKE

SWEATING TO THE OLDIES WITHOUT MUSIC.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

SEX IS HOW HUMANS ENRICH THEIR RELATIONSHIPS

AND REAFFIRM THE COMMITMENT THEY'VE MADE TO EACH OTHER.

- IT'S THE MOST SACRED, INTIMATE PART... - Sally: THEY'RE DONE.

ALREADY?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

- ( Indistinct TV chatter ) - WHO IS THAT SMOLDERING BEAUTY.

WITH THE FIERY EYES?

KATIE COURIC.

KATIE COURIC.

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL STUCK IN YOUR THROAT.

MRS. DUBCEK,

I NEED TO GO NEXT DOOR AND BECOME NEIGHBORLY.

- WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE MULLERS? - THEY'RE LOVELY, VERY NICE.

OF COURSE, I SHOULDN'T TALK.

IT'S TRUE YOUR VOICE IS NOT ONE OF YOUR BEST ASSETS,

- BUT GO AHEAD. - ALL RIGHT.

THE MULLERS HAVE HAD THEIR UPS AND DOWNS.

I GUESS HER HUSBAND HAD SOME PROBLEMS IN THE BEDROOM AREA.

WHICH AREA? THE CLOSET?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS AT FIRST, TOO,

BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE A VITAMIN DEFICIENCY.

VITAMIN DEFICIENCY? MR. MULLER AND I CAN TALK ABOUT THAT.

NO, NO. STICK TO SPORTS OR CARS.

CARS, YES. THAT'S GREAT!

I HAVE A CAR.

OH, WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?

SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW I'M ALIVE.

NO, SHE KNOWS.

- HI THERE, NEIGHBOR. YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARS? - IS THIS YOUR CAR?

YEAH. I SEEM TO BE HAVING SOME TROUBLE WITH MY...

SPARK NUTS.

SOMETIMES WITH THESE OLD ONES,

YOU'RE BETTER JUST TO CALL THE JUNK MAN AND HAVE IT TOWED AWAY.

NO, I COULDN'T DO THAT. I LOVE THIS CAR.

IT HAS A COMPARTMENT JUST FOR GLOVES.

- DICK SOLOMON. - FRANK MULLER.

HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND MUCH.

I'VE SEEN A LOT OF YOU AND YOUR WIFE.

SHE SAYS YOU'RE SOME BIG DEAL PROFESSOR AT THE COLLEGE.

HARDLY. IT'S QUANTUM ASTROPHYSICS.

A DRUGGED MONKEY COULD DO IT.

- WHAT ABOUT YOU? - I WORK THE LINE AT THE BALL BEARING PLANT.

- NO, THE CINCOR PLANT? - YEAH.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I LOVE YOUR BEARINGS.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE? THRUST BEARINGS OR LINEAR?

ACTUALLY, I DO JOURNAL BEARINGS.

WOW! IS THAT PLAIN OR ROLLING CONTACT?

ON A GOOD DAY, BOTH.

MAN, THE STORIES YOU MUST HAVE.

A FEW, A FEW.

- I THOUGHT YOU'D BE MORE OF AN EGGHEAD. - NO, ALL MEAT.

- Woman: FRANK! - THERE'S THE BOSS.

WELL, I'll SEE YOU AROUND.

OH, NO BIG DEAL,

BUT YOUR CAR'S PARKED

ABOUT EIGHT INCHES OVER THE PROPERTY LINE. COULD YOU WATCH THAT?

I'll GO YOU ONE BETTER. I'll STOP DOING IT.

THANKS, FRIEND.

"FRIEND."

WATCHING TELEVISION IS AMAZING.

I HAVEN'T HAD A THOUGHT IN MY HEAD FOR THREE HOURS.

AND THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

- PSEUDOFAMILY. - WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I HAVE BEEN...

IN FRANK MULLER'S GARAGE.

WE BRAGGED, WE LAUGHED, WE TINKERED.

HE LET ME TOUCH HIS STUFF.

IT FEELS GOOD TO BE AROUND FRANK.

IT FILLS AN EMPTY SPACE I'VE BEEN FEELING RIGHT HERE.

I THINK IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS.

- WHAT IS THIS? - SHAKE 'N BAKE CHICKEN. JUST EAT IT.

NO, THIS ISN'T CHICKEN. THIS IS JUST... FLAKES.

- OKAY, STAY RIGHT THERE. - SALLY, YOU MUST LEARN TO COOK.

HOW FAR DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GO WITH JUST A FABULOUS BODY

- AND THE INTELLECT OF A GENIUS? - THE BOX HAD A PICTURE OF A CHICKEN ON IT.

I SHAKED IT, I BAKED IT. WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?

WHY DON'T YOU ASK MRS. MULLER? GET CLOSE TO HER.

- DO I HAVE TO? - YES. THEY'RE PLUMP. WE'RE EMACIATED.

YOU DO THE MATH.

MAKING A FRIEND IS SO SIMPLE.

YOU MAY NOT BE AS GOOD AT IT AS I AM,

- BUT I COMMAND YOU TO TRY. - WHAT IS THE POINT?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANS BY WATCHING TELEVISION.

WE HAVE TO MIX OURSELVES AMONG THEM,

WALK A MILE IN THEIR PANTS.

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO WOMEN.

I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING TO SAY TO HER.

YOU COULD WALK ON THE BEACH AND DISCUSS ITCHING.

OH, HOW EXCITING.

I AM SO GLAD I GET TO BE THE WOMAN.

NEXT PLANET, I GET TO BE SOMETHING BIG WITH HORNS.

OKAY, SO THE SHAKE 'N BAKE

- IS JUST A COCOON FOR THE CHICKEN. - YEP.

AND CHICLETS ARE NOT CHICKEN AT ALL, RIGHT?

- YOU'RE NOT FROM OHIO, ARE YOU? - NO.

I CAN TELL.

I DON'T ENVY YOU HAVING TO TAKE CARE OF THREE MEN.

I ONLY GOT FRANK, AND HE'S A FULL-TIME JOB.

JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT MAN PICK UP A SOCK.

I'D LIKE TO SEE MEN PUT THEIR DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM DO LAUNDRY.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM CRAMMED BETWEEN TWO STEEL WHEELS

AND GROUND INTO A FINE PASTE.

YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT MYSELF.

YOU LET ME KNOW.

- OH, YOU'RE DANGEROUS. - OH, YES, I AM.

I LIKE YOU. YOU CAN COME BY ANYTIME.

I WILL.

BUT DO ME A FAVOR,

BEFORE YOU SETTLE DOWN AND GET MARRIED, YOU HAVE SOME FUN.

IF I HAD YOUR FIGURE, I'D FIND SOME OLD MILLIONAIRE IN FLORIDA

AND SLOWLY SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF HIM.

I HAVE THE VERY EQUIPMENT TO DO THAT.

I'M SURE YOU DO.

- HI, NEIGHBOR. - HEY, HOW'RE YOU DOIN'?

HARRY, TOMMY, THIS IS FRANK, MY FRIEND.

- YEAH, HI. - IS THIS PLACE MAGNIFICENT?

IT'S THE GARAGE MAHAL.

YOU GOTTA HAVE SOMEPLACE TO GET AWAY FROM THE CLUCKING.

OOH, COLOR.

60 CHANNELS OF IT.

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

- UH-HUH, UH-HUH... - ( channels changing )

DICK, LOOK. DEBBIE SAYS THAT THE NEW PROMAX ROUTER

CAN HANDLE EVEN THE WILDEST CURVES.

I DON'T KNOW IF DEBBIE REALIZES

THAT CAN BE TAKEN TWO WAYS.

FRANK, THIS IS NEW. WHAT IS IT?

- A BACK SCRATCHER. - MAY I?

BE MY GUEST.

OH! OH, THIS IS HEAVENLY.

THAT SPOT HAS BEEN DRIVING ME NUTS

EVER SINCE WE LANDED. OH!

PLEASE, KEEP IT.

REALLY?

I'VE NEVER RECEIVED A GIFT BEFORE.

I HAVE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING. TAKE TOMMY.

- Mrs. Muller: FRANK! - THAT'S THE BOSS CALLING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FASCINATING, EVERY TIME HIS WIFE CALLS,

HE JUMPS.

- SEE YOU AROUND. - YOU CAN COUNT ON IT. I LIKE YOU, FRANK.

AFTER ALL THE TIME I'VE SPENT AT THE UNIVERSITY,

IT'S REFRESHING TO MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T PRETEND TO BE SMART.

"JERRY DATES A BLIND GIRL. REPEAT."

JERRY DATES A BLIND GIRL.

YOU KNOW, IT GAINS NOTHING THE SECOND TIME.

Man on TV: This has been a rebroadcast of the 11 o'clock news.

We will resume programming at 6:00 a.m.

IT'S THE SNOW SHOW.

I SAW THIS ONE LAST NIGHT.

SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

WHY DON'T WE GO VISIT OUR FRIENDS, THE MULLERS?

- Harry: LETS. - GREAT! WILL THEY BE HOME?

00 IN THE MORNING. WHERE ELSE WOULD THEY BE?

- HI, NEIGHBOR. - WH-WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- NOTHING. 00 IN THE MORNING.

PATTY SAID I COULD DROP BY ANYTIME.

DON'T WORRY, WE BROUGHT GIFTS.

A FLANK STEAK FOR MILADY

AND "THE TV GUIDE CROSSWORD" FOR MONSIEUR.

AND BY THE WAY, THE ANSWER TO "I BLANK LUCY"

ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK.

- WHO IS THIS? - THAT'S MY DAUGHTER CINDY. SHE'S IN COLLEGE.

MY COMPLIMENTS. SHE'S A DEFINITE TRIUMPH

OF AEROBICS OVER GENETICS.

I THINK SOMEONE WOULD LIKE TO SEE HER NAKED.

SO, LET'S FIRE UP THE BARBECUE.

Mrs. Muller: FRANK, IF YOU'RE IN DANGER, SHOUT!

- GO BACK TO SLEEP! - YOU SEEM UPSET, FRANK.

- GO HOME. - WHY?

- MAYBE THEY WANT TO HAVE SEX. - AGAIN?

- EXCUSE ME? - IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE SO FASCINATED BY YOU.

WE'VE NEVER MET ANYONE OF YOUR ECONOMIC CLASS BEFORE.

MY CLASS?

LIKE YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN WE ARE?

WELL, YES, BUT YOU'LL EVOLVE.

AND UNTIL THEN, WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS.

FRIENDS?! YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND.

WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.

NO, WE'RE NOT! GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

GET YOUR PRECIOUS CAR OFF MY PROPERTY!