Peep Show

I'm loving the bathroom showroom.

Got these new soft-close toilet seats in.

It's like they're winking at you in slow motion.

Flirty little fuckers.

'Hans has sold out. A job and a suit

'and now we're burning all our band stuff.

'Even the contract we signed with God on mephedrone.'

Are we really going to do this? Yeah. This is it, man.

This is the day the music died.

This is the end of...

What were we called?

Dunno. 13 Bastards?

Hello, boys. Excuse me.

More, Mark?

It's a table for my printer.

You're not doing a barbecue again, are you? You know that doesn't work.

Could you please stop trying to kill me with flat packs?

I'm on my way. I'm going. I've gone.

Clearly you haven't gone. Basically I have.

You've stopped paying rent.

Or you've stopped being guilty about not paying rent.

There's always my place, Jez. I've got the bag. The bag's yours.

Cheers, man. 'Not the bag, never Hans's bag.'

And Mark, just so you know,

the guys at the showroom are looking for more hands on deck.

Money's tasty. And you get to work with toilets,

which is obviously funny. And showers, which are sexy.

OK, a job. Yeah. I'll put a word in.

Thanks for the job tip, Hans.

'Christ. Headhunted by Super Hans.

'He might be one of the few Western headhunters

'who would physically chop a head off.'

'Why didn't I get the job tip?

'We could have been the Chemical Toilet Brothers.'

'So great that Dobby's agreed to move in. Just got to close the deal.

'Get her into the flat and keep her locked down like Fritzl.

'No, not like Fritzl! Like a nice, normal, loving guy

'who knows where she is at all times. Which at no point

'would be locked in the cellar.'

Good time at Gerard's last night?

Yeah. We had a game of Connect 4.

Oh. Connect 4.

'God, he's so sickly. She never plays Connect 4 with me.

'I'd love to play Connect 4 with her...if it wasn't so boring.'

He's not in a great way. Poor guy can barely move.

Oh, really?

'I bet some parts of him can move very well.'

Looks like I've got a job interview lined up. Bathroom supplies.

Incredibly flat management structure, which is cool.

Amazing. 'Ah, lovely fake enthusiasm.'

Hey, Mark, can you open a tin of mushy peas?

'Hold on, what's that? What's that there?'

Oh, new tin-opener. Sweet.

'I've got a tin-opener. Why's she buying a new tin-opener?

'Fuck! She's not gonna move in.

'This is no pound-shop tin-opener, this is a luxury tin-opener.

'She's gonna use this to open her single tins, and then somehow get

'the sexual satisfaction from it I so obviously can't give her!'

Oh, er, Dobs, just cos I need to do a form,

when do you think you might be moving in?

Er, yeah, soon. The rent here's killing me, so, yeah.

When I can get the bloody deposit sorted and get my shit together.

Ah, cool. 'The getting together of the shit.

'Could take a night. Could take five years.'

Shit. Nuke this, will you?

'Need more information. The tin-opener isn't conclusive.

'Could ask her straight how she feels...'

Oh, hi, Gerard.

'Yeah, right!

'What if I broke the microwave?

'Test case. If she buys a new one, I'll know she's never moving in.

'Hmm. Can I?

'Yeah. Maybe a good old waggle in there. Take that, mechanism.

'You weren't built for the screwdriver, were you?

'You don't like that in there, do you?

- 'No macaroni for us tonight.' - Bye.

'Sorry, microwave.'

Oh, Dobs, looks like your bloody microwave's bust or something.

Still, I've got one at mine, so...

Oh! But I only do robot cooking. I can't do analogue.

Screw it. I'll grab something at Gerard's.

Gerard's? That was him just now.

He's feeling a lot worse. I said I'd go over for a bit. Is that cool?

Oh, sure.

'The sickly Casanova. Aiming for a bit more Connect 4-play.

'Well, I'm going to block your bright red cock

'with my multiple...discs of... yellow...cock.'

Hi, Dobs, thanks for coming over.

'Yes, Gerard, but there's a sting in the tail,

'a scorpion in the Kinder egg, a nail in the Toblerone, and 'tis I.'

Oh! Hi, Mark.

Yes. We were about to have a romantic Italian dinner for two

when you rang, so I thought I'd come along.

Oh, great. Great, yeah, great.

How are you doing, you big fuck-stick?

I feel awful.

Oh, that's not the spirit. Mind over matter.

Your friend the Cyberman wouldn't be so defeatist,

nor would any of your other brilliant... dolls.

I'll get you a pie on.

Which do you want, grey matter pie or brown matter pie?

Grey matter would be lovely, thank you.

I know what you're doing, Gerard.

What's that, Mark? Being quite ill?

I've got my beady eye on you.

You're barking up the wrong tree.

She's not interested in romancing the stone, Gerard.

It's no dice for you and your sickly ways.

Yeah? We'll see about that.

I'm playing the long game.

Where's your inhaler, G-man?

Maybe in the spare room? Ken took the last of his stuff.

It feels funny to be all alone.

To be honest, if I could just find a pal,

I'd ask them to move in rent-free.

Don't worry, Mark. I'll take good care of her.

Very, very good care indeed.

'I can't compete with that! A free room at Gerard's

'versus 50 quid a week for Fritzl's cellar!'

'Time to say goodbye to Daddy and hand you over to Mummy.

'Mmm. Pretty sure he's parked a turd in there.

'Sophie can change that in the lift.'

Hi, Soph.

'Oh, great.'

All right, Mark? Jeff?

I'm here for Ian.

Didn't Soph tell you? We're back on.

I moved into Nana's cottage last month, so...

Oh, right.

'God. Should I...

'give the thing I love best to the man I hate most?'

Say bye-bye.

Bye-bye. See you later, Mark. Bye-bye.

Has he...?

Don't think so, mate.

'Maybe Ian won't remember I gave him away to another man.

'If he does, he'll be some kind of memory genius.

' "Yeah, my son hates me, but he can remember a full deck of cards

' "and that's why he lives in Vegas." '

Jeff? I think it's OK.

Or do you think there's any chance

he's trying to kill all my offspring?

Like Herod?

That's a lot of shopping, Jez. Yeah, stocking up.

Right. It's just Dobby might well have moved in

before we eat all these horrible lentils.

I've just got the feeling,

maybe, I'm going to get to finish these lentils.

She is moving in, you know. I'm getting a firm date.

Why have you got cat food?

To confuse them. Fucking Nectar inspectors.

That's why I got the denture cleaner, to throw them a weird one.

"Who are these guys?"

Great, so now they'll think we're a couple of guys with our booze

and our pizzas and a cat we starve and an old man we've kidnapped,

whose dentures we periodically deign to cleanse.

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Margherita or pepperoni, Dobs?

Ooh, it's like Sophie's Choice.

If Meryl Streep had given birth to a pair of Chicago Town pizzas.

Oh, Jez, Mark told me about you burning the band. Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm too big to fail.

He doesn't know what that means.

I do know what that means.

'He doesn't know what that means.'

Anyway, it's cool. I've always got the 3-0 Walcott millions.

Jeremy's planning to sell the headline "3-0 Walcott"

to a tabloid newspaper when Theo Walcott turns 30

and we've agreed not to argue whether that's a good plan.

It is a good plan. I know.

Listen, my mate Alice is seeing a shit-hot therapist.

He's sorted her right out. Work, relationships,

her OCD about visiting every mainland Holland & Barrett, everything.

I'd love to do therapy.

Get someone's hands in my brain, have a root around.

I just can't afford it.

You know what, Jez, if you like, I could pay for you to have therapy.

It's not with electric, is it?

No. He's really amazing.

And it's only 500 for an intensive course.

Why don't I give you that? Your deposit, since you're moving on.

Really? Are you sure? What about the stain?

It's a goodbye gift. Fuck the stain.

Dude! I thought you were going to wheedle me for ages about the stain.

Spend it on a nut doctor to work out what's wrong with you.

I love you, Mark.

I like you too, Jez.

It's Gerard.

Oh, Dobs, you saw him last night

and the night before.

It's like you're turning into his personal bum-boy.

He's really ill, Mark.

I was really looking forward to spending the evening with you.

I could be there and back in under an hour. He might have got worse.

But... it looks like there's someone on The Apprentice

who I think we're both going to really loathe. A real specimen.

I've seen it. He is a shit-bag.

Look, Dobs, sometimes you need to draw a line.

Whoa! You manhandled my phone.