The Babysitter

*** Subtitles by dylux ***

I don't need it. I'm telling you.

Just because you don't feel sick now doesn't mean you don't need the shot.

I never get sick, okay? You can take that and give it to Barry.

- His nose is always running. - What are you giving me shit for?

I saw you earlier today. We said hi. I said, "Cole." You said, "Mr. Daisy."

Why are you giving me shit today? I mean, it's just a needle, man.

Damn. Come here, get the shot. Ain't nothing to be scared of.

There's 62 kids came here, got a shot, no problem.

You come in here, take ten minutes? I got 84 kids more to go. Okay?

We're boys. Be cool. Shit, man. Are you gonna take this shot?

Step over here and take the shot, just like you'd take some ass.

There's nothing to be scared of.

I'm not scared.

Pussy!

Did you know only one baby was born on the Mayflower?

How crazy is that shit?

His name was literally Oceanus.

He didn't even have a nationality.

Just a citizen of the sea, I guess.

What class did you learn that in?

No one learns anything in class. That's why we have the Internet.

There's my dad.

Melanie, get over here.

It was his high-school dream car.

He got it after the divorce to make Mom jealous, but...

- it didn't work because it's a car. - Now.

Dad, can we give Cole a ride home?

Cole, are your parents expecting you to take the bus home?

- I guess so. - Yeah, they are.

So, you should take the bus, okay, sport?

Sorry, dude. I'll see you, though, neighbor, huh?

- I didn't... - What's that?

- NASCAR Nation, bitch. Whoo! - Dad...

Dad!

Ooh-whah, ooh-whah. Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.

Well, well, well.

Hey, Colonoscopy. How's it hanging?

I don't know. Okay?

Well, speaking of hanging, have your balls dropped yet?

I didn't catch that.

I said, "Why are you so interested in my balls?"

Last thing he cares about is your balls.

Yeah, 'cause on Saturday, I hooked up with Shelly MacEntyre.

The sophomore?

The sophomore. But in many ways, she was a senior.

- I don't believe you. - You don't need to believe him.

It's not like your belief will validate what happens to his dick.

Wanna know how it was?

No, not really.

Well, see, as a 14-year-old in that kind of situation

with a 16-year-old that looks like Shelly MacEntyre,

it was overwhelming, man.

I mean, she is a woman.

Fully-developed, man. It's crazy, man. It's...

Man, you know what I'm saying?

I said, do you know what I'm saying?

You just said it didn't matter if I believed you.

- Well, I changed my mind, bitch. - Sorry, I wasn't...

Oh, my God. He's so weird.

Ooh-whah, ooh-whah. Ooh-whah, ooh-whah.

Hey!

Did you just touch Cole?

- So, what if I did? - Jeremy, check it out.

You so much as think about Cole again...

and I'm gonna...

You crazy bitch.

Now get out of here!

Before I run you over, you little Pap smear.

- Hey, Coley. - Hey, Bee.

These are new.

Yeah, I have to wear them sometimes.

They supposedly help strengthen my left eye,

- but I can't tell the difference. - You look pretty strong to me.

You skin your palms?

- It doesn't hurt. - Yeah, it does. Come here.

- They bother you a lot? - No.

You look away when you lie, dude. They the ones that egg your house?

You gotta punch them in the dick.

And if they're chasing you, wait until they've almost got you,

drop like a bag of rocks, then when they trip over you,

and they're on the ground, kick them in the dick.

- Hey, so, tell me, how's the folks? - Better, I think.

Hotel therapy's working?

No, come on, it's great.

I mean, they're happy, we get to hang out, and I get paid.

- I'm like your little Protestant. - What?

'Cause, like, I have to pay you to hang out with me.

Are you trying to say "prostitute"?

Oh, my God...

No, that would make me the prostitute and your parents the clients.

That is a terrible analogy. That is the worst one ever.

- Oh... - Besides,

I'd wanna hang out with you either way.

Really?

One hundred percent.

I got two years tops before you're too cool to hang out with me.

I'll never be too cool.

Hey, is that the roof of your tree house?

Yeah, we just started to take it down.

I... I don't care. I mean, my, uh...

Tree houses are for kids anyway.

There's a lot of good memories in there, right?

Yeah.

All right, tomorrow night. You. Me. Party.

Sounds good.

E.T. fingers.

- All right. See you, Cee. - Bye-bye, Bee.

Gotta get that door fixed. You're still giving this to me, right?

- One hundred percent. - Can't have a sticky door on my car.

Hey, Mom!

Hey! Cole.

Cole, can you hand me one of those traps, please?

Ow.

- Thanks. Hi. - Hi.

Thanks, buddy.

God. God.

Mom, how can you be under there? There's like a trillion spiders.

Cole, I don't like it under here. It's pretty much the worst.

- Do you think I'm a pussy, Mom? - Ow.

Do you know what that word means?

- Yeah, like, afraid of everything. - Ow.

Um...

Huh.

Well...

I think... you are at a time in your life

where a lot of things are scary.

But as you get older, those same things will stop frightening you as much.

Okay?

It's gonna be okay.

You should really get some bug spray to kill the spiders in there.

What have they done to you? They eat other dirty bugs.

Hey, will you get me a lemonade?

- Yep. - Thanks.

Mom, I know "pussy" also means "vagina." I'm not retarded.

Cole Johnson. Do not say "retarded."

But I can say "pussy" or "vagi..."

Don't say it, okay?

Go get me a lemonade.

Oh, my God, he said "pussy."

Breathe in. Breathe out.

- Unclench that sphincter. - Okay.

- How those mirrors looking? - Looking good.

Parking brakes?

Nope.

- Hands? - Ten and two.

Engage.

Dad, did you know that seven teenagers die a day from driving?

Really? Wow.

Did you know that, uh, 14 teenagers die a day from over-worrying?

I went on the Internet,

and there's pictures of them. They die like this:

Maybe next week.

All right, buddy, sure. You wanna swap?

- Yeah. - Good. All right. You did good.

You started the car, you put the seat belt on.

Don't worry about it, pal. There's no rush.

It's okay to be scared. It's not a big deal, okay?

Hey, let me ask you something. Do your friends...

Do they make fun of you for having a babysitter?

Yeah.

But then they see her and get really jealous.

Yeah. Heck, yeah, they do.

I don't know about you, buddy, but I'm feeling like a cop.

I'm craving some donuts.

All right!

What are you watching?

Your dad is bingeing on Mad Men.

Again.

You wouldn't like it.

It's on HBO?

No, it's not... It's not dirty, buddy.

It's not on HBO.

It's dense, you know. So, it might go over your head.

When you get a little older, we'll binge-watch it together.

How about that?

- All right. - Cole, will you clean up the toys

in the hallway for me?

Okay, Mom. Jeez.

Thank you.

Much cleaner.

Who cares?

Hey. Oh.

Hey, that doesn't seem safe at all.

- I can handle it. - Yeah. No, I get it.

Stop. Stop.

And hand me the knife.

Fabulous. Why you cutting up your car with a knife?

I'm gonna switch the roof with a fastback,

- so it's aerodynamic. - Uh-huh.

It's gonna give me more downforce on the turns.

When it hits the ramp, it'll do a barrel roll

and smash into the crash zone exactly how I intend...

Got it, got it. I applaud your passion for aerodynamics.

I absolutely do, but only use this if you're cutting a flank steak.

And don't do that. That's my job.

And if you take that job, what am I doing at this house?

Do you want me to put it back?

No. I'm gonna put this in the dishwasher,

'cause it's coated in my sweat and fear.