Eleven Eleven

Look, I always try and tell my wife the truth, okay?

But, obviously, I haven't always been able

to tell her the whole truth.

My name is Tim Faris.

This is my wife, Eve,

and our daughter, Mallory.

She's 15 now.

That's Dax. Lives next door.

Friend of Mallory's.

Just ignore him.

I work as a tour guide in Sedona,

a small town in Northern Arizona,

famous for its vast red rock formations,

hundreds of energy vortexes, or vortices, whatever,

for its beautiful dark skies,

but most of all for its constant UFO activity.

My own alien abduction story

starts 16 years ago...

...just after Eve and I got married

and about nine months before Mallory was born.

To be honest, things weren't going well between Eve and me,

so when one drunken night

I met a beautiful woman with a spaceship,

well, it's not the kind of thing you can share with your wife.

On the other hand,

you shouldn't keep these kind

of things bottled up inside.

Luckily, I do have a place I can go

where I can relate to everyone.

I'm James, and I'm an abductee.

Hi, James.

I'm Kim, and I'm an abductee.

Hi, Kim.

It's been 24 hours

since my last abduction.

Hi, I'm Tim, and I'm an abductee.

What? I was abducted. I swear.

It's not an abduction

unless the spacecraft

actually lifts off.

That's so unfair.

Take us to your leader.

We come in peace.

I think I might stay home tonight.

I just love seeing their little faces light up

when I pass out the candy.

I don't want to miss that,

so I'm just going to stay home, okay?

- Okay. -But you can get me a Butterfinger.

Ew, gross.

Ugh.

How's it feel kissing an alien?

Oh, um, it feels just like kissing my wife

except, you know, more purple.

-You sure you don't want to come? -Come on, Dad.

It just means more candy for us.

The bags are in the car.

Next week me and my friends want to go picket the pet store

to stop selling live animals.

Will you take me?

You want them to start selling dead animals?

That doesn't sound very vegetarian.

Dad!

Anyway, I'm not just a vegetarian, I'm vegan.

Vegan? You mean like Vegan, the star?

No, I mean vegan, like no animal products.

Oh.

Come on, we can walk.

-So, vegan, huh? -Mm-hmm.

How long have you been vegan?

Since about four o'clock.

Huh.

I, I am really sorry

about the temporary accommodations back there.

So, follow the path to the top.

Where, exactly, are these things going to land?

Oh, well, well, it's very, very unlikely

that we'll see an actual UFO today, Mr. Halford,

but, uh, we visit sites where UFO landings have been reported,

so here's what we know based on abductees' reports.

Their technology is unbelievable.

Have you ever been abducted, mister?

Well, yes.

Yes, I have.

Cool, where did they take you?

Well, we didn't actually go anywhere.

That's not a real abduction.

Let's take a look.

Uh, thanks for everything you do, Eve.

Bye, Pastor Paul.

I thought drinking was against your religion.

Jesus turned water into wine.

I don't think he'd mind us having champagne for our anniversary.

A hundred bucks?

You don't own me, LOL.

The joke's on you.

You're my mother, not my jailer, mofo,

so hang up the Nazi attitude

and get me a cell phone.

It's beautiful, dear.

Thank you.

You have a real gift for words.

Thanks, Grammy.

Are you comfy?

I'm fine.

I just love having you here to keep me company.

Do you know how old I was when I got my first cell phone?

63.

Mallory, dinner's ready.

Bags off the table, please.

Oh.

Wow, this looks amazing.

Vegetarian.

Absolutely no meat.

I'm vegan, so I don't eat eggs or dairy.

For what we are about to receive,

may the Lord make us truly thankful.

Everybody's got one.

Not everyone.

What?

-A cell phone. -A cell phone.

Jeez, Dad, don't you pay any attention

to what's going on in the real world?

Mallory, do not use the Lord's name in vain.

What Lord's name? I didn't say anything.

Abbreviations count, dear.

You mean "jeez"?

Everybody says "jeez."

-It doesn't mean anything. -Mallory!

OMG!

You know what would be good with this?

Ketchup.

Well, I appreciate the gesture,

but you don't have to kneel for me.

Andromeda?

Holy crap!

What are you doing here?

I don't know. I just dropped by to say hi.

What is this thing?

I-- I use it to attract aliens.

It's--

I can't believe this.

I never thought I'd see you again.

Yeah, but here I am in the flesh, so to speak.

I told you I'd come back.

15 years is a really long time.

How-- how did you even know where I live?

I'm an alien, dummy.

We know--

almost everything.

Almost.

Since you're here, I need you to come with me to a meeting,

so you can tell everybody about the abduction.

The abduction?

Oh, you mean when the,

yeah, no, um, there was no abduction, Tim.

We didn't go anywhere.

We can fix that right now if you want.

That would be awesome.

Wouldn't it be?

Yes, come on.

I-- I got about 20 minutes.

Oh, oh, no, no,

I'm talking about for the rest of your life.

I can't do that.

You disappoint me, Tim.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Besides, you're not the only human I came to see.

Wait, wait, Andromeda, wait.

Let's talk.

Okay, I want to make myself very clear.

Yeah, me too.

Dear?

Tim, shall I see if the hot tub is warm enough yet?

Uh, uh, I'm on it.

Where are you?

Um, I'm dealing with a pest.

A rat?

Um, a skunk.

Um, no, no, you don't want to go down there.

It's, it's, it's, it's crazy.

I'll take care of it.

-Oh. Okay. -It's, it's, it's okay.

Now where were we?

No, stop it!

This is going to happen either my way or no way at all, okay?

Oh, my God, it is so super-cute when you try to be dominating, oh.

You're going to take me on a very quick trip to outer space

so that I can get pictures and prove it happened, okay?

Now, meet me tomorrow at noon

at the base of Thunder Mountain.

Do you understand?

A skunk, huh? I don't smell anything.

No, weird, huh?

Must have been one of those albino skunks.

Ew, there's got to be a better way to cover it than this.

Oh, I'm going to go get changed.

Do you remember when we used to be spontaneous?

Yes, but we grew up, sweetie.

We have responsibilities now.