Extras

Horatio.

Emma. What are you doing here?

I couldn't bear to let you go without saying goodbye.

You shouldn't have come, Emma. People will talk.

Let them talk. I'm tired of hiding our love away.

- I'm not ashamed of how I feel. - Neither am I.

But we both know we shouldn't be together.

- Shouldn't? Who says we shouldn't? - My conscience.

My conscience tells me everything I feel for you is wrong.

But my heart, my heart says...

I can't live without you.

- Promise me you'll return. - I promise.

Because if Napoleon doesn't kill me,

then being away from you surely will.

Cut! Yeah, brilliant, thank you.

- Could you see me? - Yeah, definitely.

Excellent. We'll get out before that fat little extra gets his face in.

Okay.

Rest the guys for 10 minutes.

That's correct. Yeah, great.

We're moving on to 37.

Hey. Who are we using for the girl by the carriage?

We thought this one.

No, I said I needed some decent tits and they're... rubbish.

Well, I could maybe pad them up a bit. Or just sort of, like, push them...

- You could use these. - Bingo.

Bingo these in half an hour after I've had a wee fiddle with them.

- I just need to squeeze them. - Well, work on them over lunch, yeah?

Because at the moment they're just, urgh, nothing.

- Okay. - Good.

Would it be easier just to use these?

We made a decision to use mine, so can we just go with these? If I just squeeze them...

It would be less work.

You've got padding at the bottom of them. Can I get some padding?

This cow's like, she's like sticking her tits in his face

and I'm saying, "He said he wanted to use my tits. Can we just go with my tits, please?"

I think Meryl Streep went through a similar thing.

- I know it's not important but... - It is important.

I remember Laurence Olivier having a rant in Richard III

because they wanted to use stunt testicles and he said,

"Listen, these gonads are going to be seen because they went to RADA.

"You either use the Lord Olivier plums or nothing at all."

Next.

Ahh... And what do you recommend, my good man?

- Chicken's the warmest. - Is it? I'll have that, then.

Chicken.

Your heart's not in this, is it?

Although one of your pubes is, I see.

- Straight in there like that, no messing. - It's not a pube, it's a dog hair.

It's all right, it's not a pube, it's a dog hair, everyone.

I thought it was a pube. It's not, it's just a dog hair.

If you do get a hair in there, he just gets it out with his big sausage fingers.

- I don't know why I do this. - What?

All this. "Oh, we'll cut before the fat bloke gets his face in shot."

It's just absolutely demeaning. I don't know why I put myself through it.

- Because you're an actor. - This isn't acting.

Getting the back of your head or your arm in a shot.

And bloody Ross Kemp in every scene, he gets all the lines.

Do you know what I mean? Why is he the star and not me?

There but for the grace of God go I. And it's just... What?

- It's not quite. - Well, it is.

It's not just luck, is it?

- Why not? We're about the same age... - No, he's younger than you.

- No, he's not. We're about the same age. - Is he?

- Yeah. - He looks a lot younger than you.

You're having a laugh. He hasn't got any hair.

He's meant to look like that. He's shaved it all off.

It's like cool, it's like Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel? Sorry, are we looking at the same bloke?

Have another look, right. Look at him there. He looks more like Zippy from Rainbow.

Hello!

Bungle, what are you doing in the Queen Vic, Bungle?

Phil, why did you sleep with my wife? Look, look.

Vin Diesel hasn't got a perfectly round little head

that opens and shuts like Pac-Man, look at it.

- He's got less chins than you as well. - One chin, one chin each.

- Yeah, but yours is growing another one. - Shut up.

In five years' time, he's still going to look pretty rugged

- and you're just going to look like a pelican. - A pelican? Good, nice one.

- What you looking at? - Nothing.

Well, obviously him.

- Husband material? - Could be.

- What are you basing it on this time? - Don't know but look at him.

He's all dashing and handsome in his green.

Why do men not dress like that nowadays?

Because they'd get beaten up on the Tube.

- All right? - All right, Greg.

- Indeed I am. - Good.

I'm actually working across the way, Studio H, the big one.

Doing a film with Mr Vinnie Jones.

So, actually, just learning a few lines I've got to do with him later.

- Lines? - Yes, indeed.

Well done.

So what's your part in this epic, then?

The fourth seaman from the left or...

Hardly.

You got something a bit more... Bit meatier, bit more substantial.

You got a speaking part or a... No?

Not in this one, no.

- Seriously, how do you survive? - Don't worry about it, really.

- Digging into the savings? - Not really.

The pile diminishes, does it? Gotta get some work soon.

- Gotta get some work soon. - Working all the time, mate.

- Don't worry about it. - Sort of.

Are your parents still sending you money?

Well, yeah. Either that or I, you know, threaten to sign on.

And lo! The cheque doth cometh in the post.

- It keeps the wolf from the door. - Good.

How is the door of the house your parents bought you, is that all right?

- Yes, it's fine. - Good.

- Look, I've got lines to learn. - Thanks for coming over and sharing that.

- Seriously, mate, something will crop up. - Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it, mate. Worry about yourself.

- Stiff upper lip. - Yes.

- And other clichés too numerous to mention. - Don't mention them then.

- See you later, mate. - Cheers, mate.

Tosser. Not you.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I go in front of you, please?

- What? - Can I go before you?

- Why? - I've got a little bit of a stomach upset.

Oh, okay.

- Hello. - Hi.

I think she wants to go in front of you, she's got diarrhoea.

Don't want it exploding everywhere. Messy.

Thank you.

Saw you looking.

Thought I'd better get it out of the way.

Yeah, it is me.

Hi, I'm Andy.

- How you doing? - Oh!

- Sorry, did that hurt? - No...

Good. I was worried I might have hurt you. Don't know my own strength sometimes.

If I had meant to hurt you, you wouldn't have any ribs left so you got off lightly.

- Let's leave it there. - Okay.

You know, I love playing military parts.

Well, as you know, I was in the SAS.

No. I knew you did that TV show about the SAS.

Yeah, but how did I know how to do all that shit in it?

I assumed you had consultants and stuff.

If that's what you believe, then that's what you believe.

All right, I wasn't in the SAS for six months and they didn't say,

"Ross, why don't you give up this acting lark?

"We could really do with you in Afghanistan."

- Did they? - Couldn't say.

All I know is, if I do get into a fight, I'd better have an escape route

because I don't want to go to prison for murder, because that's what it would be.

Because my body is a lethal weapon.

And me in prison, face like this.

Pretty boy.

I'd be in the shower just lathering up,

a couple of guys would come in wanting a bit of Kemp arse.

I'd see them in the mirror and...

What I'm saying is, you'd best not get into a fight with me.

Sure.

Or a conversation.

What do you do when you're not doing this? What's your day job?

I work in a pub.

- What about you? - I do this full time. I'm an actor.

- You do this full time? - Yeah, yeah.

Like most actors, I act full time.

Yeah, but this isn't really acting, is it? I mean, this is extra work.

Well, no, supporting artist work, innit?

But it's just, this is just pocket money. I am actually an actor.

Right. I was gonna say 'cause you can't really make a living from being an extra.

No.

No, but he used to have a proper job. He used to... He owns his own house.

Doesn't have to pay a mortgage so he can afford to live on a pittance.

I don't live on a pittance, though, do I? People pay me to act so...

- Yeah, you say you're an actor. - Yeah, I do.

- But what have you actually acted in? - I've appeared...

I mean proper acting, not walking in the background. I mean, actually speaking.

- I know. - Well?

- What, you want me to... - Yeah.

Okay.

- My Family, the Robert Lindsay sitcom. - Really?

Yeah, it was just a thing, sort of a scene on the bus

and the bus conductor come along

and, "Tickets please," and I just went, "Yeah, sure, no problem."

- Did you? - Yes.

- That was the line? - Yeah.

He comes along and goes, "Tickets please,"

and I go, "Yeah, no problem. Mate, there you go."

So if I got that episode and watched it, that's what I'd see you say,

- "Sure, no problem." - Well, yeah.

"...there you go."

Well, I didn't... What was that? What's the line?

- What's the problem? - What is the line?

The conductor wants the ticket, I'm showing him it.

And what do you say?

He asks for my ticket.

- Yeah. - And I go...

I can't hear what you're saying. No, let's do it like it is actually on the screen.

I'll be the bus driver, okay, and you just be you, all right?

Tickets please, can I see your tickets please?

I can't hear anything. No one can hear anything.

- It was years ago. - But that's not proper acting.

- What is it, then? - I can tell you what acting is.

- I can tell you what I've acted in... - Not interested.

I've acted in, and I'm talking proper speaking parts, in Emmerdale,

- Silent Witness. - Silent Witness?