Monkey Business

Not yet, Cary.

Not yet, Cary.

Barnaby, you have the key. Ah?

Well, look for it, darling.

Look in this first pocket. That's usually where you hide it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, but I didn't hide it.

I put it there so I could find it. Here it is.

Would you turn on the porch light and turn off that hall light?

Close the door and be sure that it's locked, and I'll start the car.

I understand.

Oh, it's you. Come on in.

Barnaby.

We're going to a dance. Oh, yes.

And we're going to be late if we don't hurry. Oh, yeah.

Now, let's start all over again. You've got your key.

Mm-hmm. No, it's in that pocket.

Oh, that's right. I put it there on purpose.

And you're going to turn the porch light on and the hall light off...

and then you're going to lock the door.

Right. Now, come along, darling.

Barnaby, are you thinking?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's pretty dark in here, isn't it?

That's better.

What are you thinking about?

About the test being made in the lab today.

They proved that only 23% of the formula is being assimilated.

Oh, the formula. Yeah. Well, you know what that means.

That-That means that 73% is absolute waste.

Seventy-three? What happened to the rest of it?

No, no. Not 73, 77. What did I say?

Seventy-seven. Well.

I guess it's had very little effect on those chimpanzees we were experimenting with.

We've been giving it to them for over two months now. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Well, it certainly hasn't done what it should have done.

I thought it was doing rather well.

No, no.

No, that's the trouble. It isn't doing well at all.

What about that one monkey you told me about?

Oh, you mean Rudolph. He's pretty old, isn't he?

Well, Rudolph's about... Well, he's about the equivalent...

of 84 years old in a human.

Well, didn't the formula cure his rheumatism?

Didn't it make his coat much glossier?

Didn't you say he felt a lot better? Well, in a way.

Well, then, what do you expect?

Well, it isn't what it should be, Edwina.

What must it be before you're satisfied with it?

Theoretically, it should have a much greater effect.

I've just got to find a way to make it more easily assimilable.

Huh? Assimilable? Assi...

More easily assimilated. Oh, yeah.

You know, I thought I had a good idea at the front door just now.

I guess I just thought I had it. Anyway, it's gone.

Well, it'll come back to you. I doubt it.

It'll come back to you. That's the trouble about being a chemist.

You know, you can't actually think.

Every now and then, you feel compelled to sit and stare at a sheet of paper...

hoping it'll speak to you, but it never does.

Oh. Is that a new dress?

Mm-hmm. Oh, I like that. Let me see it.

I like the way it sticks out.

Or is that you? Well, you ought to know.

It isn't you.

You ought to be going somewhere in a dress like that.

Yeah. Well, I'm glad you like it.

Holy smokes.

We forgot all about the party. Why didn't you remind me?

We're not going. Why not?

Well, we're not going for a number of reasons. Oh?

One: When I dance with you, I want to dance with all of you.

I don't want your brain to be somewhere else.

I know. You're not very often the absent-minded professor,

but, darling, when you are, you're a real zombie.

Yeah, I admit it. And I don't want people to see you like that.

Now, go on. Sit down and relax...

and be brilliant.

You know, you're all right. How do you like your eggs?

How did eggs get in to the conversation? You're hungry, aren't you?

I fix you something to eat and call Hank and tell him we're not coming.

Did you telephone Hank? Mm-hmm. He wasn't in.

I left a message. Oh.

Don't tell me you've solved the formula already.

No. No, I've had my mind on other things.

Tell me. You've been looking forward to going to this party for a month, haven't you?

Now, darling, we're not even going to discuss it.

I know that. I was just thinking.

It's queer about people. What about people?

Through no fault of their own, they get older.

Now, that's a profound remark. No, they do get older.

Something happens to them. Are you referring to me, Barnaby?

No, I was thinking of the human race as a whole. Pretty sad group.

Would you get me some soup plates, darling?

If you don't think the human race undergoes...

certain morbid changes as it matures,

I ask you to recall the night of the Everett Winston party.

I don't recall any Everett Winston party.

Do you remember our honeymoon?

Of course I do, darling. Put those over there. I was hoping you would.

Well, the week after we got back from our honeymoon,

the Everett Winstons invited us to a party.

I'm sorry, darling, but I don't remember going. We didn't go.

We didn't?

Oh, yes. Now I remember.

We stayed home. Just like tonight.

You know, Edwina, that's what I'm talking about.

We stayed home from that party for an altogether different reason.

Tonight we're staying home for an intellectual reason.

I remember we didn't want to share each other with anyone. You were so sweet.

Remember how the telephone kept ringing for hours and hours and hours?

Remember?

I'll get it.

Aw. You see what I mean?

Tonight we're answering calls.

Hi, Hank. Hi.

Say, what's this message about not going out tonight?

That's right. Why?

Well, sometimes there are things more important than going to a dance.

Oh, the genius at work again, huh?

I'm glad I'm a lawyer and not a chemist. Where is he?

He's in the kitchen. I've got a few things to say to him.

This has happened just once too often.

Now, look here, double dome. What's the idea of doing something tonight...

you can do just as well tomorrow?

I'll get you a drink. You'll feel better.

Why can't you be a genius before sundown and a human being afterward?

Because I never know in advance when I'm going to be a genius.

Here's your drink. You can't call off a date at the last minute...

when your wife's got a new dress and I've booked a table.

It just doesn't make sense.

No, I don't suppose it does.

What are you doing?

Nothing, dear. I think you'd better sit down. Huh? What for?

Do as I tell you, and you'll see what I mean.

Cold?

I see what you mean. And now neither one of you are making sense.

No. I think Mr. Entwhistle is disturbed...

because he can't take you to the party tonight and dance all over your feet...

as he did the last time.

I certainly didn't reserve a table and order flowers just to look at your face.

I don't suppose you did. Sit down, have your soup while Hank drinks his drink.

And be careful. It's very hot.

Is it all right now? I can only tell you, Mrs. Fulton...

If you'd have been smart enough to marry me instead of... this,

Hmph. You wouldn't be in a kitchen cooking.

No? Where would she be cooking?

Barnaby, did you burn yourself? I hope he did.

Darling, I told you it was hot. Don't worry. He has no feelings.

Here, eat some bread. Quickly. Darling, say something.

Heat. I know. Blow on it.

Heat. Just ordinary heat. I never thought of it.

Heat could make the formula 100% effective.

Darling, I think you solved the problem for me.

Do you really think so? I'm almost sure.

Hank, do you know what just happened? He burned his mouth.

No, silly. He just solved our whole future.

If your whole future depends on figuring out that a plate of soup is hot...

Hey, now, wait a minute. Tell him, darling.

I've been promised a pretty good job if I can make this formula work.

No more commercial assignments. No more working on nonskid girdles...

or noiseless popcorn bags.

No fooling? Yes, a roving commission.

Select my own field of research.

Exchange ideas with professors from all over the world, including a percentage.

I can hardly believe... That's fine. It seems to me a celebration is in order.

No reason to stay home from the yacht club party now.

No. Except we're gonna stay home from the Everett Winston party.

Everett Winston left town three years ago.

We're still staying home from his party.

But you can't stay home from a party if you...

Your phone's ringing. Yes, I know.

Shall I answer it? No, just let it ring.

That's important, isn't it. It's very important.

You two are way beyond me. Please convey our regrets to the Everett Winstons.

And say we're very sorry.

The language is confusing, but the actions are unmistakable.

Good night, you two.

Just a moment, please. Good morning.

Oh, Dr. Fulton, Mr. Oxly would like to see you in his office.

Thank you.

Good morning, Dr. Fulton. Good morning.

Aren't you here early?

Oh, yes. Mr. Oxly's been complaining about my punctuation.

So I'm careful to get here before 9:00.

Mr. Oxly's on the telephone. Won't you sit down?

I'm glad we have a moment. I have something I want to show you.

For instance?

Isn't it wonderful?

I beg your pardon? The new non-rip plastic stockings you invented.

Oh. The N4-1 Acetate Project.

This is an experimental pair, the first pair out of the factory.

Aren't you proud? Turned out rather well.

I'll say. You can't tear 'em or snag 'em or anything.

I'm familiar with the product. No matter how hard you try.

You'd be amazed, Doctor. Oh, no, I wouldn't be amazed.

I've done a lot of experimenting with this kind of thing.

Of course, I'm through with all of that now.

Uh, Mr. Oxly. Dr. Fulton's here.

Good morning, sir. Good morning. You can come in now.

Thank you. If you're not too busy.