Suburgatory

Once upon of time ,

somewhere between the Lowery side in the fairy pits of hell,

there lived a little town called Chatswin.

Historically, Chatswin was a town

that valued its mothers above all else,

and so, on the second Sunday of every may...

They set out to prove it.

Make way for cinderelly!

All hail cinderelly!

Happy Mother's Day, Lucille.

Happy Mother's Day, Sheila.

I feel like a princess.

Little much, don't you think?

Can't help it if my family loves me more,

but $10 well-spent

on the self-inflated balloons, Glen.

Glen?

In the past, the town rule seemed to be,

if you loved your mother,

you'd better be willing to go "full page" to prove it,

and this year was no different.

It kinda made me glad I wasn't in the game.

Mother's Day weekend,

Yep.

Any feelings about the big day?

I'm, uh, more of a Columbus day girl myself.

That's a great joke, Tessa,

but sometimes...

It's healthy to talk things through.

I'm sure, on Mother's Day, you must think about her.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I don't.

How about you, me surrogate?

Ever think about all those babies you sold

and what they're doing on Mother's Day?

That's gonna sit in your colon for a decade.

Luckily, there's plenty of room in my colon

after that kelp noodle casserole you made last night.

Really freed up some real estate.

And by that, I mean it gave me loose stool.

I'm so glad we went with an "endangered animals" theme

for the nursery.

And the pelts feel great underfoot.

The pelts? Forget about the pelts.

I cannot believe you found an ivory tusk crib!

The interior decorator had some of the animals murdered

just for this room.

She really went the extra mile.

There are 950 dead snakes on this wall alone.

And the guns...

Live. All live.

You know, you don't see that enough in a nursery,

not for my taste.

Noah. I can't wait for this baby to get here.

I can't wait for our night nurse to get here.

You know I feel uncomfortable

having intercourse during the last trimester.

I know. I just thought,

since you weren't actually carrying the baby...

I may not be carrying the baby here,

but I most certainly am carrying it here.

Whatcha doin'?

Playing the baby some audio from "Occupy Wall Street."

And... and where does he land?

With any luck, left of Chatswin.

Are you... are you excited about this baby shower tomorrow?

If, by "excited,"

you mean "filled with an impending sense of dread,"

then yes, very.

I am fascinated by this side of you.

You've gone dark on me.

I'm not myself.

I'm irritable...

- And pent up. - Sure.

Okay. You wanna go for a jog?

No.

You wanna grab some lunch?

Nope.

I wanna grab something else.

Really?

I-I feel like we've waited so long.

I mean, it's your last trimester.

Are you sure it's not dangerous?

It's gonna be dangerous for you if we don't.

It means a lot to your mom, you coming home for the shower.

Did she tell you we're trying

to steal Carmen back from the Royces?

Wouldn't that be funny?

The same nanny that raised you

could raise your little hermano.

You know what would be even funnier?

If you and mom raised your own kid.

That'd be hilarious.

Why do you guys need Carmen?

Why does anyone need Carmen?

Because she's amazingly helpful.

Because Carmen can easily do things

that exasperate most white people.

Well, I hope I grow up to be like Carmen.

Yeah. You won't.

Are you just not attracted to me

because I'm pregnant?

I'm very attracted to you.

But what?

Just not when I'm naked? Because of the big belly?

No.

- Is it because of the veins? - What?

Is it because of my throbbing, blue spider veins?

They're from the pregnancy.

So normally you're less veiny?

No. That's not it.

Then what, George?

I couldn't stop thinking about what Noah said,

about how I was gonna give the kid

an accidental tracheotomy.

You know what?

Why don't you stop worrying about Noah's kid

and start worrying about your own?

What... what's that supposed to mean?

This morning, I broached the whole mom issue with Tessa.

What whole "mom issue"?

I think she's in denial. I think you both are.

O-okay. Eden, please.

I've... I've talked to Tessa about this,

and she's fine, okay?

She... she told me outright that she can't miss

what she never knew.

She's gotta feel something... Angry, hurt...

Unless you people are some kind

of different species out here.

I mean, you can't have your mom check out

and feel absolutely nothing!

Eden, you are smart and intuitive and wonderful,

but you're wrong.

In this case, you're wrong.

I know my kid,

and I'm not gonna force her

to pick at a scab that isn't there.

She's okay.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay. Come here.

Why aren't you hugging me back?

In this box, my secret weapon

for the Mother's Day 5k tomorrow.

They'd better watch their backs,

'cause I ran track in college.

You must win the 5k every year in these babies.

Actually, this is the first time I'll be in town to compete.

Steven used to always take us away for Mother's Day...

To Israel.

Israel?

My gosh, yes.

Every person should make the pilgrimage to Israel,

and not just for the Dead Sea wraps,

but also for the fusion cuisine.

Mommy, where's my passport?

Your passport?

For Israel. Duh.

Daddy didn't want to ruin my Mother's Day

by spoiling the tradition.

But, Dalia, it's Mother's Day.

I rented a poolside cabana for us at the club.

I was gonna run the 5k, and you were gonna cheer for me.

So you want me to cancel?

No.

Never mind.

I'm sure the two of you will have a great time.

Happy Mother's Day.

Thanks. I'll eat a kebab for you.

I'm sorry, Dallas.

Don't be silly. It's fine.

You know, that's one thing I admire in Dalia.

She puts her own happiness before everyone else's.

Yeah, that's... Real admirable.

You know what?

I'm gonna run that 5k, and when I win,

I'll be celebrating in my poolside cabana

with a big ol' Denver omelet to keep me company.

A Denver omelet might actually be better company.

Especially if it has fresh mozzarella.

Love that.

Then after I buff away her callouses,

I will dump the water,

dispose of the hardened skin shavings,

and present her with my gift.

Viscose moisturizing socks.

Boom!

Can't be beat. Lisa.

Lisa was still awaiting test results

that would prove her mother was not her mother.

Until then, celebrating the day seemed pointless.

I'm gonna hold off this year.

What does that mean?

Does your mother "hold off" when your clothes need laundering?

Did she "hold off" during your latest bout of pinworm?

I'm waiting for some very important paperwork.

What kind of paperwork?

You didn't name a star after her, did you?

'Cause people hate that.

Not all people hate that.