Rodney Dangerfield's The Really Big Show

Good morning.

Wow. What are you making?

I'm trying to mix it up a little.

sunny-side, scrambled,

and something I'm calling...

baked poached.

Nice.

You need anything from inside?

Um...

- No, I'm good. - All right.

What are you doing?

Flipping over the silverware.

Why?

Well, you want the tines up.

They get cleaner that way.

Wait, do you always do this?

Not always.

Just when you load the dishwasher.

But I almost always load it.

Yeah.

So...

how many times would you say you've done this?

I don't know, probably, uh,

I guess 10,000?

That's crazy.

Why haven't you ever said anything?

Well, I feel like what would happen is,

I'd say, "Hey, June, I read in Real Simple magazine

that the tines should go up," and you'd say, "Okay."

And then you'd do it for a week,

and then you'd forget, and then I'd say,

"Hey, June, remember that thing about the tines?"

And you'd say, "Oh, I know."

And then you'd forget again, and then I'd remind you.

And then you'd say, "Oh, I know."

And then, you know, I'm the nag,

and then you're mad,

so it's just easier if I do it myself, right?

Wow.

It is disturbing the lengths you will go

to avoid confrontation.

All right, well,

I'm just moving forks, so it takes five seconds.

But I'll stop doing nice things because it seems to upset you.

Hey. What are you doing right now?

Uh, I was either gonna jerk off or draw a picture of a car.

Oh, I didn't know you were an artist.

What do you want?

I don't know, I thought we could, uh, hang out.

You want to play shuffleboard?

We do that in the afternoon.

Where's June?

Ah, she's just at home. She's doing her own thing.

Oh, you guys in a fight? You catch her with another guy?

No.

And why would you jump to that?

I don't know. I caught my mom

in my neighbor's garage once.

She said they were practicing golf swings, but...

they didn't have any clubs.

Ugh, now I don't feel like jerking off.

Let's just go, all right?

Great.

You know what, uh, I don't want to play shuffleboard.

- Let's go back to my house. - Hey, who are those people?

Nobody.

- I'm gonna go say hi. - No, don't.

Look, there's someone over there I don't want to run into.

Why?

I don't know, I guess I...

...I kind of like her, so...

- What? - I guess I kind of like her.

Mark, that's wonderful.

Suck my dick. I'm leaving.

No, that's great. Wait, wait.

Does this person know that you like them?

No, we don't really know each other.

We're gonna fix that.

- Let's go over there. - Absolutely not.

Listen.

You have to be willing to take risks.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

Wayne Gretzky.

Who the fuck is Wayne Gretzky?

Oh, right, well, in the '80s,

he was the most famous hockey player in the world.

I don't love sports, but I do love quotes,

and that's a good one.

- Why are we friends? - Because.

We make each other laugh. Come on.

Come on!

Fuck!

God.

Ah!

Hey.

I saw you. It's fine.

Come back up for a second.

Hi.

Do you know how to use a sewing machine?

Oh, kind of.

Good, just... can you come over here?

I'm not gonna hurt you. I just need some help.

Right. Which one is she?

Oh, redhead? Cool.

No, not her. Her.

Her name's Heather Jacoby.

Okay, a little more mature than I expected.

Yeah, she was a junior when I was a freshman.

Wow.

Just, um, processing all of this.

She was the coolest girl in the whole school.

She was in a band, Gold Diamond.

She had this leather jacket,

and she would smoke cigarettes behind the portables.

Probably doesn't remember me at all.

This is a bad idea. Let's go.

No, no, no. Wait, wait.

If you feel like you have a connection with her,

you should at least go talk to her.

She would never go for me.

I mean, she dated Mike Fredell. He was a total badass.

He put LSD in our principal's coffee.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

It did permanent brain damage.

I'll never do anything that cool.

Yes, you will.

You're the coolest guy in this whole town.

- I guess I am. - Yeah.

We're the two coolest guys here.

No contest.

She's definitely gonna remember you.

Come on.

Hey there. Hi, how are you?

Hi. I'm...I'm doing okay.

Good. This is Mark.

You probably recognize him, though.

Um, I'm not sure that I do.

Told you she wouldn't remember me.

That's okay.

You guys went to the same high school.

He's a little younger than you.

I had a Camaro.

Oh. Oh, oh, yeah.

You were the kid that crashed his car

up on Canyon Crest, right?

Wow.

Well, we all got a day off thanks to you.

- Really? That rules. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, a bunch of us were gonna go to the beach,

and then... oh, then it rained.

Ah, bummer.

- Yeah. - Yeah, wow.

Yeah, well, you guys must like the same stuff

from high school, right?

Like, uh, disco.

- You both love disco. - Fuck no, disco sucks.

Yeah, no, no, no. I'm more rock and roll.

- Oh. Uh-huh. - Do you like Thin Lizzy?

Oh, God, I love Thin Lizzy...

I went to a show once, and Brian Downey...

he threw me his drumstick.

- No way. - Wow.

Yeah, and then after, one of the roadies asked

if I wanted to go backstage and give Brian a blowjob.

I...I said no, but I might've said yes if it was Phil Lynott.

Shit, I would've said yes if it was Phil Lynott.

- Do...do you like Bad Company? - Oh, yeah.

And you know my favorite Bad Company song?

"Bad Company" from the album Bad Company.

- Oh, I love that one. - Yeah, it was a simpler time.

Um, this is going really great,

so maybe you guys wanna meet up somewhere later,

and, you know, I don't know, hang out and talk?

Yeah, I...I guess we could. What'd you have in mind, Mark?

I don't know, we could go to my house and listen to music.

I have some pretty great records.

All right, yeah, that sounds like fun.

- Come over around 5:00? - Yeah.

- See you then. - Yeah.

- Dude. - Nice job.

These things always...

jam up.

What were you doing?

Well, I took all my bras,

cut them up, and I'm sewing them into a giant superbra.

What? Why?

I'm off bras. I'm dead.

I don't need this shit anymore.

Well, it should work now.

- Ah! - So what were you making?

Like, two giant cups?

Yeah, I told you. It's a superbra.

Wow, you're actually pretty good.

I was always embarrassed to say this,

but home ec was my favorite class in seventh grade.

But then Candice Hobbs started a rumor

that I blow-dried my pubes, so I switched classes.

And did you?

- Did I what? - Blow-dry your pubes.

I definitely didn't...