Doctor Who

'My name is Lucy Hayward,

'and I'm the last one left.'

'It's funny.

'You don't know what's going to be in your room until you see it,

'then you realise it could have never been anything else.'

'The gaps between my worship are getting shorter.

'This is what happened to the others.

'Praise him.

'It's all so clear now. I'm so happy.

'Praise him.

'Praise him.'

'Praise him.'

Praise him.

"Let's go to Ravan-Skala," he says.

"The people are 600 feet tall, you have to talk to them

"in hot air balloons and the Tourist Information Centre is made of one of their hats," he says.

I'm sorry, but I don't see any huge hats.

Amy. Beaky. This could be the most exciting thing I have ever seen! You're kidding.

How can you be excited about a rubbish hotel on a rubbish bit of Earth?

Because, assembled Ponds, this is not Earth.

This has just been made to look like Earth. The craftsmanship involved... Can you imagine?

What? Then where are we?

I don't know, something must have yanked us off course.

Look at the detail on that cheese plant!

Right, but who would mock up an Earth hotel?

Colonists maybe, recreating a bit of home, like when ex-pats open English pubs in Majorca.

No, whoever did this, I am shaking his/her hand/tentacle.

Have you seen these?

Look at the labels underneath.

"Commander Halke, defeat."

"Tim Heath, having his photo taken."

"Lady Silver-Tear... Daleks."

"Paige Barnes, other people's socks."

"Tim Nelson, balloons."

"Novice Prin, sabrewolves."

"Royston Luke Gold, Plymouth."

"Lucy Hayward, that brutal gorilla." Doctor, what does it mean?

I don't know.

Let's find out.

Aaah! Blimey, that was quick. We surrender!

No, it's OK, we're not.. We're nice!

She threatened me with a chair leg. Who are you? We're back in reception. We surrender!

Never been threatened with a chair leg before! No, I tell a lie. Did you just say, "It's OK, we're nice"?

OK, I need everyone to shut up now!

Rita, be careful, yeah? Their pupils are dilated.

They're as surprised as we are. Besides which, if it's a trick, it'll tell us something.

Oh, you're good. Oh, she's good. Amy, with regret, you're fired. What? I'm kidding.

We'll talk.

I take it from the pathological compulsion to surrender, you're from Tivoli.

Yes, the most invaded planet in the galaxy.

Our anthem is called Glory To Insert Name Here.

You with the face, Howie, you said you were surprised to be back in reception.

The walls move, everything changes. You, clever one, what's he talking about?

The corridors twist and stretch, rooms vanish and pop up somewhere else. It's like the hotel's alive.

That's quite enough of that.

And it's huge, with, like, no way out.

Have you tried the front door?

No, in two days it never occurred to us to try the front door. Thank God you're here!

They're not doors, they're walls, walls that look like doors.

Door-walls, if you like, or "dwalls", "woors" even, though you'd probably got it

when you said, "They're not doors." I mean, the windows are...

Right, big day if you're a fan of walls. It's not just that. The rooms have...things in them.

Things? Hello! What kind of things?

Interesting things? I love things, ask anyone. Bad dreams.

Well, that killed the mood.

How did you get here? I don't know, I'd just started my shift.

I must have passed out, because suddenly I was here.

I was blogging, next thing, this.

Oh, I was at work, I'm in town planning.

We're lining all the highways with trees, so invading forces can march in the shade. Ah.

Which is nice for them. Yeah... So what have we got?

People snatched from their lives and dropped into an endless, shifting maze

that looks like a 1980s hotel with bad dreams in the bedrooms.

Well, apart from anything else, that's just rude.

We'll pop back to the TARDIS, I'll do a planet-wide diagnostic sweep, then we'll have a sing song.

Where's the TARDIS? You parked it there, didn't you? What's a TARDIS?

Our way out. And it's gone.

OK. This is bad.

At the moment, I don't know how bad, but certainly we're

three buses, a long walk and eight quid in a taxi from good.

Are there any more of you?

Joe, but he's tied up right now.

Doing what? No, I mean he's...tied up right now.

Hello. I'm the Doctor.

You're going to die here. Well, they certainly didn't mention that in the brochure.

Is Joe there? Can I have a quick word?

Oh, it's still me, Doctor, but I've seen the light.

I lived a blasphemous life, but he has forgiven my inconstancy, and soon...he shall feast.

Well, you've been here two days, what's he waiting for? We weren't ready. We were still raw.

But now you're what? Cooked?

If you like. Soon you will be, too.

Be patient. First...find your room.

My room... There's a room here for everyone, Doctor.

Even you. You said you'd seen the light now.

Nothing else matters anymore.

Only him.

It's like these things.

I used to hate them! They make me laugh now.

"Gottle o' geer! Gottle o' geer!"

You should go. He'll be here soon.

I think you should come with me.

Why you four?

That's what I don't understand. Aside from all the other things I don't understand.

What does it matter? Sooner or later, someone will come along and rescue us.

Or enslave us.

First, we find the TARDIS. Quick thing before we go. If you feel

drawn to a particular room, do not go in, and make sure someone else can see you.

Joe said "he" will feast.

Is there something here with us?

Something to add, Joe?

Here comes a candle to light you to bed, here comes a chopper to chop off your head.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Can we do something about him?

Personally, I think you've got the right idea.

Times like this, I think of my old school motto, "Resistance Is Exhausting."

I've worked out where we are. Hmm?

Norway. Norway?

You see, the US government has entire cities hidden in the Norwegian mountains.

Earth is on a collision course with this other planet,

and this is where they're going to send all the rich people when it kicks off.

Amazing. It's all there on the internet.

No, it's amazing you've come up with a theory even more insane than what's actually happening.

Hello.

Have you forgotten your PE kit again?

Right, that's it, you're doing it in your pants!

Hey! Don't!

Oh, look, girls, it's H-H-H-Howie!

What's "loser" in K-K-K-Klingon?

Praise him.

Shut the d-d...the-the door!

This is just some m-m-messed-up CIA stuff, I-I-I'm telling you.

You're right, keep telling yourself that. It's a CIA thing, nothing more.

Er...guys?

Look.

OK, whatever that is, it's not real, yeah?

No, no, I'm sure it isn't, but just in case, let's run away and hide anyway, in here.

No, this way! I've found a...

A B in mathematics?! You are lazy!

Do you understand me, girl? Lazy.

I'm sorry, Daddy, I'm so sorry!

'Praise him.' Rory, come on!

There was a... Come on!

Aiiee!

Don't...blink. What?

Amy, get back.

Why haven't they got us yet?

Amy, they're not real. What?

They should have got us by now. Amy, look at me, focus on me.

It's your bad dream, that's all.

I don't even think they're for us.

Aaah!

Doctor, what are you doing? I'm sorry, I just have to see what it is, I just have to see.

Oh, look at you...

You are beautiful.

Oh, dear.

I think it's going after Joe.

Come to me. Come to me. Praise him.

Leave him alone!

Joe! Joe!

Joe!

Joe?

Joe!

Joe! Joe, what happened?

If we can wedge a chair under the door handles, that should stop anything from getting in.

Help yourself to tea.

Guys, tea over here.

If it's any consolation, I've met the Weeping Angels,

so I know how...

In fact, I thought that room was for me.

Joe was right.

Whatever it is in here, it actually wants to kill us.

Not oppress us or enslave us, kill us!

OK, listen...

The Doctor's been part of my life for so long now, and he's never let me down.

Even when I thought he had, when I was a kid and he left me,

he came back, he...saved me.

And now he's going to save you.

But don't tell him I said that, because the smugness would be terrifying.

Of course, if the Weeping Angels were meant for me,

then your room is still out there...somewhere.

Tea?

Every time the Doctor gets pally with someone,

I have this overwhelming urge to notify their next of kin.

Sorry. The last time I said something like that, you hit me with your shoe.

And you literally had to sit down and unlace it first.

What exactly happened to him?

He died.

You are a medical doctor, aren't you?

You haven't just got a degree in cheese-making or something.

No! Well, yes, both, actually. I mean, there is no cause,

all his vital organs simply stopped, as if the simple spark of life,

his loves and hates, his faiths and fears were just...taken, and this is a cup of tea.

Of course, I'm British, it's how we cope with trauma.

That and tutting.

But how did you make it? All hotels should have a well stocked kitchen, even alien fake ones.

I heard you talking when you arrived.

Look, it's no more ridiculous than Howie's CIA theory or mi...or mine.

Which is? This is Jahannam.

You're a Muslim!

Don't be frightened.