Fingernails

["Total Eclipse of the Heart" playing on radio]

Okay. That was a dedication from George to Angela

after their negative result yesterday.

Uh, I'm really sorry, guys. But, uh, you know that you are not the only ones.

And next, we're going to a dedication from Emma to Craig.

And we're gonna hear from the Only Ones the song "Why Don't You Kill Yourself?"

Okay.

I was sorry to hear about St. Leonard's closing down last month.

- It was such a good school. - Yeah.

- Yeah, it was unexpected. -

So you've worked mainly in the third grade.

Yeah. Plus a year in the fifth and a couple in the fourth.

Hmm.

Can I help?

Oh. Uh, okay. Uh, could-- could you write "versatile"?

Versatile.

How'd it go?

Sorry. That's really personal.

No, no, no. It-- It's okay.

It didn't go so well actually, but, um, it's-- it's fine.

- I'm used to it by now. -

What about you? Have you tested?

Yeah. Yeah. Um, my boyfriend and I are positive.

Oh, you're one of the lucky ones.

"And she looked at the tree and said, 'Wow.

Those apples look so tasty.'

And he looked at her, and he said, 'Yeah, they do.

We should eat one together.'

So they picked the apple off the tree,

split it and shared it while gazing into each other's eyes."

And then this is word for word,

"It was peaceful in paradise,

for there were no animals around to disturb them

or their love for each other."

That's what the poster says?

Yeah. It was at the principal's office.

Can you imagine what they're teaching these kids?

I think that's gone too far.

I don't think they should change a story that old.

Why? Did it even really happen?

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Oh, uh, yes.

I came by and left my CV a few times.

A-At the Love Institute?

Great.

- At noon? Great. -

Okay. Have a nice evening.

- Another interview? - Yeah.

That's great. Where is it?

Pinewood Elementary School.

Oh. Is that good?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, they have, like-- a lot of famous people studied there.

Really? Like who?

Oh, um...

Ginger Spice.

- Wow. - Yeah.

She's my favorite.

I know.

Andy here is a great cook.

Thank you. Yeah, it's a Spanish recipe.

Mm-hmm.

We've been trying to save up for a vacation,

and we were thinking of going to Spain.

Mmm.

Carrie's been there once. Uh, it was before she met me.

Yeah, I went to Madrid with, uh, one of my exes...

...a thousand years ago.

How did you guys meet?

It was, uh, at a friend's wedding.

We were both sitting at the singles table.

It was us, an 80-year-old fireman and a nerdy biology student.

- So, tough choice. -

And how-- how long have you been together?

- Uh, three months. - It's been 94 days.

- Hmm. Nice. -

And have you thought about taking the test?

I mean, you know my opinion.

We don't believe in it.

The whole crisis overreaction thing, it's, um, pretty stupid.

Mmm.

- Really good. - Yeah, great.

We could take some dance classes.

- Yeah. -

I gotta use the restroom.

- Can I ask you something? - Mmm.

Have you guys taken the test?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, it was about, um, three years ago.

Mmm. We were positive.

- Nice. - Yeah.

And how did it feel? I mean, when you got your results.

Yeah, I think more than anything it felt kind of like a relief.

You know, it was like a weight had been lifted.

You know, Garth doesn't believe in taking the test.

He says he doesn't need a certificate to tell him if we're in love.

And he also thinks losing a nail is ridiculous.

And you? What do you think?

You know, more and more of my friends have taken it,

and I thought maybe we could too, but--

You know, Anna wanted us to go and, uh-- go to the institute

just do the exercises, you know, last summer,

but I thought it was completely unnecessary.

You know, we had tested positive without the extra help, and--

and even if sometimes our relationship settles into routine,

we don't need to question that.

- -

- All right. This is for you. - Great.

Just fill this out, and Duncan will be with you shortly.

Thank you. Excuse me. Can I ask, is it raining?

No. No, they just pump that through the entire building.

Rain makes people feel romantic.

Huh.

Yeah, it does.

I keep asking them to turn it down.

It just makes me need to pee.

I often put his happiness before my own.

When we have rib eye for dinner,

I know that he likes the fatty bits of the steak.

So that-- Well, I cut them off mine and give them to him

and pretend that I don't like them, but actually... ...I love them.

They're my favorite part.

- And may I ask you something personal? - Mm-hmm.

Do you still have strong feelings for him?

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, I-- I love him.

You do have your love certificate, so that's not a problem, but--

Well, most of our recent applicants have all been in an institute as clients.

So they know what it's like to do these exercises as a couple.

Yeah. Uh, w-well, they weren't around yet, but, um,

I really wanna learn how the exercises help you connect more, you know?

And you guys, you're-- you're the best.

- Well, it's not easy, but we try. -

Now, Anna, as a teacher, I have to ask you,

you wouldn't prefer to work in a school?

No. I really want to work here.

- Hey! - Hey.

Made you dinner to celebrate the new job.

How do you know that?

Oh, they called a couple hours ago.

I said you were out, so they left a message,

and the, uh, school secretary wants to talk to you tomorrow about the details.

Fuck. I-I-I-I didn't realize you were talking about

the interview the day before yesterday,

'cause to-- uh, today I went to Pinewood Elementary School,

and they hired me on the spot.

That's great. Did you take it?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Great. Great.

- Congratulations. Come on. - Thank you.

Excuse me. This would not make Amir happy.

I was just about to say

that the reason they come to us is to take the risk out of love.

No more uncertainty.

No more wondering if you've chosen the right partner.

No more divorce.

Now, you know that five years ago,

the test was developed in order to define love relationships

because there was concern people weren't falling in love.

However, what they couldn't have anticipated was

the fact that 87% of the couples that took the test

received a negative result.

It was a staggering statistic.

Couples broke apart.

And people-- people suffered a great deal.

And you're all aware of the crisis that followed,

the insecurity that this created in most couples.

And that's why I founded this institute.

We were the first to buy the machines to conduct the test,

and I created the program to make the bond of love stronger.

We're not here to try to teach people to fall in love.

That would be insane.

We're here to try to bring them closer together.

Now, yes, the success rate, it's still low.

But thanks to this institute and others who imitate us,

the numbers are slowly increasing.

At this point, the test, it's more popular than ever.

So that shows that people are searching for an answer,

even if it's not the one they want to hear.

Now, I hope that, as new employees, you'll--

- Sorry, I'm late. - You'll--

- That's-- That's-- That's okay. Hi. - Hey.

I--

Anyhow, what I was gonna say was,

in the past, I think we prioritized seemingly more important things over love

when the truth is, uh...

...we're all achingly lonely.

And we're endlessly searching for ways to fill that void.

Anyhow, each month, we change the courses

so the couples, they don't know the structure of the program.

And Amir, one of our instructors,

he's been kind enough to design and build these maquettes

to help illustrate what's included in those materials,

if you'd like to come take a look.