Mind Your Language

Silence! What do you think you're all playing at?

We are not playing, we are arguing.

l'm just five minutes late, and you are all getting at each other's throats.

Come on, sit down.

Danielle, l'm surprised. You and Max are going about.

lt's nothing, honest. l just asked her to come for a Greek meal.

And l just thought we'll have a little bit of this...

and a little bit of that.

lt's the little of bit of this and that, that l don't like.

Jivani, what were you and Van quarelling over?

He was making fun of Santa Maria.

Santa Maria, the Virgin Mary?

No, Louis G Santa Maria, the ltalian foot baller. Santa Maria, the Virgin Mary?

No, Louis G Santa Maria, the ltalian foot baller.

ltalian foot ballers, are bad.

You shut your mouth, you big Spanish onion.

lf you spend half as much energy learning English...

as you do on arguing with each other, you'd be perfect by now.

You have a lot to learn, and it's just a week to your examinations.

And l don't think you're quite ready at all.

Excuse please, you're committing a mistake.

No, l'm not. Excuse please, you're committing a mistake.

No, l'm not.

You may have mastered a few words, but you speak English atrociously.

All we need is a little electrocution.

Elocution. - Okay.

Part of your exam will consist of how well you speak...

as well as notes.

So before we break for tea, l'm going to go around the class...

and l want each of you to speak for a minute in turn...

on whatever subject l give you.

We'll start with you Danielle.

Your subject is sea side.

The sea side?

l like to go to the beach...

take all my clothes off and lie in the sun.

Tell me which beach, l'll come and watch.

Don't interrupt Jivani, sit down. Go one Danielle.

One weekend, l went to the isle of the Man.

- The isle of man? - Yes, but l was very disappointed.

There were not all men.

Thank you Danielle. That will do. Well done.

Ali. - Yes please?

Television.

Jolly good. l'm liking very much the English television.

Every night l'm watching the Crosswords.

Crossroads. - Yes please.

l'm also liking all the advertisements.

l'm learning lots of useful English things.

Like graded grains making finer flower.

And little perforation.

Fairly good.

- Only one thing l'm not liking. - What's that?

Paying the money for the license.

Not to worry. Thank you. Well done.

- Chuilie, your subject, philosophy. - Very good.

ln democratic republic of China...

philosophy is for the poll where all property invested in community...

each member working according to his capacity...

receiving according to his wants, as opposed to western countries...

where people are exploited by capitalism...

That is not true. Sit down.

Jamila. A minute please, on art.

Art? - Painting.

Okay, painting. l like very much, painting.

Last Wednesday, l did painting.

You painted a picture?

No, not picture, l painted the kitchen door. You painted a picture?

No, not picture, l painted the kitchen door.

l don't mean that sort of painting. l mean, works by the great masters.

Leonardo Da Vinci, Turner, Matisa.

Oh... Now... last weekend, l am going to Tatty gallery.

Tate. - Yes Tate.

And, l am not like what l see.

Painting of ladies, bare foot...

up to here.

And, showing their bosoms and all that.

Also, paintings of undressed gentlemen, showing all their...

Thank you, that will be all.

Anna, can you speak for a minute on life after death.

Yes. l do not believe in life after death.

When you are dead, that is the end.

Well, us Catholics go to heaven.

- What about everybody else? - Everybody else go to hell.

lf heaven is full of Catholics like you, l'll prefer to go to hell.

l don't think we'll pursue that subject for the moment...

if you don't mind. Thank you, Anna. l don't think we'll pursue that subject for the moment...

if you don't mind. Thank you, Anna.

Max, a minute please, on British birds.

l like British birds, especially blondes.

Perhaps that's not very funny, Max.

Sorry.

Everyday, in the garden of my lodging house, l have many birds.

Blackie birds, cocky sparrows...

and sometimes, a blue breast.

Tit, a blue tit.

Okay. Yesterday, l see a red robin tit.

lt's a robin, red breast.

Okay. British birds much confusing.

Well done. Okay Jivani, what should we give you to speak about?

Girls. - l don't think so, Jivani.

Have you any hobbies? - Sure.

My favorite is hobby is girls. - Have you any hobbies? - Sure.

My favorite is hobby is girls.

- Not any other hobbies? - Sure, but not as good.

l'm not stopping you, but try and speak for one minute...

without bringing girls into your conversation.

Okay. l have two other hobbies.

- The first is making wine. - What's the second hobby?

Drinking it.

After l drink it, l do my third hobby.

But you don't let me talk about it.

My friend, Finchanso, his hobby is pinching.

- You mean he's a thief? - He's not a thief.

You said his hobby was pinching. What does he pinch?

You don't let me talk about it.

Thank you Jivani that was good.

Ranjit. What can you tell us about evolution.

Nothing at all.

- Why not? - l'm not knowing what it means.

Well, it means the origin of the species, where we all came from.

Now l'm understanding. - Good.

l came from Punjab, he came from ltaly.

- She came from France. - No, you're taking me to literally

l want you to speak about how life itself began.

A thousand apologies.

Life began with man and lady make love.

Yes, but before that, what happened?

They put the light out.

No, the story of evolution Ranjit, was not created...

but evolved from a distinct form.

The first forms of life were in the sea.

Then came creatures who got out of the sea and crawled on their legs.

Then came four-legged mammals.

Then came creature who could stand on two legs.

Then the great apes.

Van. - Yes.

Let's see your observation on the stars.

What? Okay, stars.

There is plenty stars. - Name some.

Sophia Loren, Michael Douglas.

Van! - Sorry Mr. Brown, just ajoke.

Just? lf it isn't too much trouble...

can you try being more serious for a minute?

Yes, for one minute, l speak serious.

Stars. ln the heaven, plenty stars.

Some big stars, some little stars.

Some not so big stars, some not so little stars.

Some bright stars, some dull stars.

Some not so bright stars, some not so...

- Thank you, Van. - Hey, l not speak for one minute.

Well, l think you've spoken for long enough.

Deryll. - Yes sir.

A minute please on childhood.

- Not want to speak about childhood. - Why not?

Very bad time for me. No parents.

- No parents? - Santa Maria. He's a miracle baby.

Mother, father killed when l was a small boy.

Childhood, very lonely.

Did you lose your parents when you were a little boy?

l didn't exactly lose them, l just don't know who they are.

You were an orphan?

Yes. - That's terrible.

When l was about two weeks old...

l was left on the steps of an orphanage...

in Jeremy street. And hence my name, Jeremy.

Oh deary me, l'm being very sad for you.

Not having a mummy!

Oh cheer up Ali, what you never have, you never miss.

Matter of fact, until was about two, l was convinced...

my mummy was a big woolly teddy bear.

Well, l must say l often wonder sometimes...

whether l have any brothers and sisters.

Hey! We be your brothers and sisters.

Sure, we all become one big happy family.

And l will be your brother.

And l will be your sister. Well, not quite sister.

Well, that's very kind of you all. l think we'll break for tea.

- Good evening Mr. Brown. - Good evening Ms. Courtney.

- Headache? - Thanks, l already got one.

- You want a couple of aspirin? - l think l need a drink.

Some black coffee might help.

A double scotch might help a bit more. Some black coffee might help.

A double scotch might help a bit more.

l need a break. A nice quiet 10 minutes away from my students...

will do me a world of good.

- One tomato juice please. - l'm only wanting coca cola.

A glass of milk please.

Look, l only got one pair of hands.

They are beautiful hands.

Thank you. - You are a beautiful girl.

Very young. - What did you want?

Brandy.

lt's not here. l'll have to go to the other bar. l'll be a minute.

Hey boys look, here is Mr. Brown.

What are you all doing here?

- We need a change. - Canteen coffee not very good.

Can we buy you a drink?

That's very kind of you, but l've got a bit of a headache...

so l'll go and sit over there.