Impastor

The local police should be here in about ten minutes.

You got two choices.

Wait here, go back to prison,

or take off now and see if you can outrun them.

Maybe there's a third choice.

Yeah?

What's that?

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Hey, you all right in there?

Yeah.

Heard a noise.

I had to whack a giant cockroach.

Should get a refund.

And I should have this rotten tooth removed,

but what are you gonna do?

Okay, what should I do?

Call the cops? No. They'd ask who I was.

Just leave? No. Black Tooth saw me.

I had to get rid of the body.

[Paul Otten's Fight Like the Devil]

Hey, Alexa.

Yeah. It went great.

He totally bought the whole parole-officer bluff.

Yeah, I don't think we're ever gonna see him again.

Pastor!

Alden?

What brings you to this remote wilderness lake?

Well, bass.

Uh, Shepherd Lake's known for it.

What is going on down there?

Baptism!

I'm doing a Baptism!

May this sinner be cleansed

in the healing waters of Christ!

Alden, do you mind?

It's a private ceremony.

Praise Jesus!

Well, congratulations, sir.

Welcome to the kingdom of the Lord!

May God save your soul...

And my ass.

It'd been a week since I dumped Kenny into Shepherd Lake,

and so far, it looked like he was staying there.

So I could finally relax again

and enjoy the pleasures of small-town life.

Buddy! Hi! These are my parents,

Susie and Roger.

Mom, Dad, this is Pastor Jonathan Barlow.

- How you doing? - Hey!

We've heard so much about you on our Skypes.

Yeah.

Our Russy is your number-one fan.

Mom.

Well, I'm a big fan of your Russy

and not just 'cause we're both gay.

What?

Yeah, I know, I don't give off that vibe,

but I like dudes...

Big-time, almost as much as this guy.

Is that true?

Are you gay?

Surprise.

Well...

this has been something

that happened.

Excuse me.

Alexa, I need to talk to you about your book club selection...

- The Velvet Orchid. - Pretty juicy, huh?

Yes, a little too juicy for my taste,

I mean, especially that opening scene

where Olivia's involved in the act of...

you know.

I do, but I'd love to hear you say it.

Pleasuring herself...

below the waist and above the knee.

Oh, what's the big deal?

Everybody masturbates.

Uh, no, everybody poops, which, by the way,

would be a more appropriate book choice.

Wait.

You do pet the kitty, right?

Oh, honey.

If you must know, I tried it once in high school,

and it didn't work.

One time? That's it?

Yes, and then the harder I tried,

the more frustrated I got, and then my hand cramped,

and the whole thing was just very unpleasant.

That's your problem. You need to relax.

Take your time.

Romance yourself.

Romance myself?

Yeah. Set the mood.

Light a candle,

and then when you are feeling nice and comfy,

read page 44, and I guarantee,

kablammo.

Kablammo?

Kablammo.

Okay, in my defense, how could I have known they didn't know,

and how could they not know, you know?

They don't know because every time they come to town,

I put up Kate Upton posters

and take the dent out of my throw pillows.

I have spent years creating the illusion

that I am a raging hetero.

Okay, first of all, heteros don't rage,

and second, how could they not know?

I was gonna tell them in due time,

but now you've blown that.

Or did the work for you.

You're welcome.

Oh, you do not know what you have done.

All afternoon Mom has been passive aggressively knitting,

and Dad has been muttering to himself and watching golf,

which is pretty much what they always do,

but this time it was judgy!

I can feel it.

Russell, I'm sorry, but it's done.

There's nothing I can do about it.

You could come to dinner.

How's that gonna help?

Look, my mom is super religious. My dad is into sports.

You're both of those things.

You're like the perfect gay ambassador.

I don't know... Dinner with your family.

Please, you are exactly what they need to see right now...

A respected Christian leader with flawless skin.

And the bon vivance of a Camelot-era Kennedy.

Seriously? They had no idea?

Well, now, who are those for... One of your birds?

No, and, you know, it's really none of your beeswax.

Now, I was just joking.

I was just making sport of the fact

that you never seem to have a date, so...

I do have a date... tonight, in fact,

and I am very excited about it.

Well, then good for you.

You know, Hilva threw her back out moving a coffin,

so I've got to pick up the flowers

for the Davenport funeral.

You're welcome to bring your date if you like.

They're having cannolis.

Oh, okay.

I do like a cannoli.

Oh, is that what you're wearing.

I got to wear pink now?

Dad, you look fine.

Mom, olive pits go in the little bowl, please.

- Hey. - Thank you for doing this.

Come in.

Hi. Sorry about before.

No, no, us.

Roger and I were just a little caught off guard.

A little? It was a jolt in the shorts.

Who wants wine?

All right, here we go.

Thank you.

- Thanks. - Maybe we should have a toast.

Roger?

Well, it's not like I prepared anything, but...

here's to Russell and his friend.

Oh, Roger, they're more than friends.

They're sharing their lives together.

To the happy couple.

- The what? - I told them, honey.

Please, go with it.

Wow, Russy.

I thought we weren't going to use tongue

in front of the parents?

What the hell was that?

In my defense, they were going on and on

about how worried they are that gay men are promiscuous,

so I lied and said we are in a monogamous relationship.

And then jammed your tongue down my throat.

Let's not forget that part. I know I won't.

Aw, that's sweet.

Look, can't you please just go along with this?

It would really make up for you outing me in public

against my will.

I don't know.

It's only two days.

We don't even have to do anything...

unless you want to.

Okay.

"Okay" you want to? Or...

- Don't push it. - Okay.

No kablammo.