Malcolm in the Middle

So you can shoot free throws better than me.

Fine. Whatever. Big deal.

That's all you've got on me.

Can you stop a ceiling fan with your head?

I didn't think so.

And look at this.

My Popsicle's like twice the size of yours.

What a score.

I am totally...

Reese.

Oh.

Never mind.

Jamie, how can you enjoy this processed food?

This is nothing like you'd eat out in the wild.

I did it!

I got my learner's permit.

I can drive anywhere with an adult.

And the adult does not

have to be visible from the outside.

I checked.

Everyone taking the test was trying to copy off him.

Wow, Mom's actually proud of me.

It's kind of nice to finally have my moment in the...

Dewey?!

Oh, my God!

Is this what it looks like?

Yes, Mom. This is a friend.

His name's Noah.

Oh, Noah, it is such a pleasure to meet you.

I can't tell you how thrilled I am...

Mom.

If we seem too excited, we're going to spook him.

So as far as you're concerned, this is just another day.

Come on, Noah.

Dewey?

Okay, I'm done now.

Honey, come on out here.

I have a surprise for you.

What is this?

It's a hot tub, Lois.

Are you out of your mind?

We can't afford a hot tub.

That's what I said, too,

but then the sales guy showed me how wrong I was.

Boys, get out here!

Hal, I can't believe you did this without me.

You know we always make these kinds of decisions together.

It was an in-store promotion.

We got 20% off

on the spot.

Plus a tub club card, plus free caulking.

And that's where they kill you, Lois... the caulking.

Hal...

A hot tub.

Sweet.

This is just what it's like here.

We're always getting great stuff like hot tubs.

Hal, you're taking it back.

What about the boys?

Don't they get a say in this?

Yeah, Mom, it'll be great

for entertaining.

No, they do not get a say in this

because we are not keeping it.

Well, we're... kind of locked in.

We're what? Lois, you don't get

deals like this without making a commitment.

It's zero percent interest.

If you factor in inflation, it's almost like

they're paying us 2,800 bucks.

$2,800!

I can't believe you!

You went behind my back,

you spent money you had no right to spend to buy a pile

of lumber and tubes.

Don't worry.

It has very detailed assembly instructions,

which I won't go anywhere near because Malcolm's doing it.

I don't mind.

The baby's head was in the sun.

Otto, what are you doing?

I am posting the new safety rules.

There have been far too many senseless accidents.

People will have no excuse not to be safe.

Francis! You wouldn't believe what happened... I almost...

Otto! Oh, my God!

You okay?!

Manfred Schmidt.

Did I tell you?

You just can't have a care in the world

when you're in a hot tub.

It's like a trip back to the old amniotic sac.

Jamie's going to be asleep for another hour.

Do you think I could borrow your car

for a quick trip to the Lucky Aide?

I'll drive!

Oh, no, I'll be fine, really.

You all look so comfortable,

and it's really just...

Not a problem at all.

I got the keys. Let's go!

Honey, take a load off.

No, thanks.

Since now you've decided

we're a family where everyone

does whatever they want,

what I want is to

not be in the hot tub.

These jets are great.

I couldn't hear a word she said.

And if you really listen,

everything has its own vibration.

The trees and the grass...

I mean, it's like the whole world

is screaming sometimes.

But you know, you can get one of those

white noise machines and really crank it...

Oh, stop here.

What about the drugstore?

I just need to grab something.

This is cool. I get to drive.

Plus, I got to know Polly a little bit better.

It turns out she hasn't had a TV in 12 years,

and instead of chemicals, her dry cleaner uses tea.

Okay, but the driving is still cool.

Go! Go! Go! Go! What?

I said go!

What did you do? Malcolm, just give me a second to explain.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Trust me... we're not in any danger.

Then take your foot off the gas!

Okay, what did you take?

What is that thing?

This is mine.

It belongs to me.

My ex-boyfriend Danny took it and he wouldn't give it back,

and this happens to be my mother.

Your what?

My mother's in here. Her ashes.

I meant to get her a nicer urn,

but they just raised my tuition at the Wicca School.

So why couldn't you just ask the guy for the ashes?

I don't think that would be

a really good route to go with Danny.

He's a very troubled man.

What? Please don't tell your parents, okay?

I need you to keep this between us, please?

I love Jamie,

and he loves me,

and I'd be crushed if I couldn't see him.

Literally.

Emotions can compress organs, Malcolm.

So can you help me out on this?

Fine.

This is weird.

All I keep thinking is,

it is so cool that I'm driving.

Francis, have you seen Otto?

What's the matter?

I don't like letting him out of my sight.

He's been so accident-prone.

In the past few days, he smashed up both our cars.

He keeps falling down the stairs.

This morning, he set his hair on fire

with his reading glasses.

Gretchen, my love, I wonder if you can

fetch the tweezers.

I seem to have an ass-full of cactus.

Otto, it was just beginning to heal.

Well, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm doing this on purpose.

Ooh...

Francis, I'm afraid

I'm doing this on purpose.

What, hurting yourself?

I don't know. It doesn't seem

like all of these things could be accidents.

It's like there is some

subconscious drive to punish myself for some unknown...

Otto, what does the name Manfred Schmidt mean to you?

I haven't thought about him for years.

I'm... oh, oh...

What?

Manfred Schmidt is Gretchen's fiancé.

Well, he was, until I stole her.

You stole Gretchen?

He was my best friend,

but I was in love with Gretchen, too.

And on the day

they were going to elope,

I told Manfred that Gretchen had already gone

and that she would meet him at the train station in Berlin.