$#*! My Dad Says

- Hey, dad... - Get down!

What the hell are you doing?

People are gonna think you're a pepingtom.

A pepingtom spy on young women getting dressed.

I'm spying on a 65 year ex-marine.

Who is eating a egg white omelet.

- Why? - High colesterol, I presume.

He had four heart attacks in 3 years.

Coast is clean. You can get up.

What was going on last night?

Sound like a cow was giving birth.

That was me.

I jacked up the neighbor's shed

And shimmied it over 12 inches to the south.

I'm know I'm going to regret asking you this.

Why would you do that?

'cause that land-grabber built his shed

Six inches over my property line.

So once a month, I go over there

And I move it a foot the other way,

And then the next night,

That nasty bastard moves it back.

So, tell me, coyote,

How long have you and the roadrunner been at this?

Let's see. What's today, Thursday?

Roughly 25 years.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, this is the best part.

This is when he discovers it.

"oh, look!

Somebody moved my shed!"

"i'm mr. Campbell.

I make dumb faces when someone moves my shed!"

This is insane, even for you.

I don't know why don't you just let him

Keep his shed a little bit on your property.

Because it's on my property.

I earned it.

The trouble with your generation is

You never had to fight for anything.

My generation fought so guys like you

Can sit around on your ass all day,

Living in the lap of luxury for free.

Are you kidding me?

I live in a spider-infested attic,

I can't use electricity after 9:00 p.M.,

And I don't sit around all day.

I'm busting my ass trying to find a job,

Which is very hard to do when I being woken up at 4:00 a.M.

Because you're out in the yard playing the world's longest game

Of "gotcha last."

You can sleep through the noise of me moving a shed.

During the war, I slept through four years of shelling.

How did you hear shelling?

You were a medic on a boat.

Corporal harry shelling.

We shared a cabin.

The bastard snored like a leaf blower.

Damn deviated septum.

Every night, in and out. In and out.

"breathe through your nose, shelling!

Breathe through your nose!"

Anyway, look,

I'm just saying, I think you should go talk to him.

I mean, he's stubborn,

He was in the military, he's crazy.

I think you guys could be friends.

Why do you always have to be at war with someone?

Mr. Campbell,

The paperboy, the mailman.

I'm not at war with the mailman.

That war is over. I defeated him.

Yes, and now we have to walk to the post office

To get our mail.

With our heads held high.

Guess what we brought for lunch?

Tamales!

Which is spanish for...

Uh, tamales.

We took a spanish class at the learning annex.

Uh, muy bien, vicente.

Como esta usted?

Oh!

Tamales!

Well, the class was only nine bucks,

And it came with a free sombrero, so...

Okay, get this, we just saw a great dog

At the rescue down at the farmers' market,

Which we're gonna adopt!

Now, hold on, before you say anything,

I know what you guys are thinking,

But trust me, this is not a baby substitute.

I wasn't thinking that.

I wasn't even listening.

Why would you assume that's what they were thinking?

I don't know.

They know that we're having trouble conceiving.

You guys are having trouble conceiving?

Probably my fault.

I never gave him that sex talk.

He knows what goes where,

And what doesn't.

It's fine. It's nobody's fault.

We're fine. Everyone's fine.

It's just some people take a little longer,

You know, to conceive. It's just...

Besides, we took some tests,

And the good news is there is nothing wrong with my eggs.

Oh. Huevos.

Oh. Muy bien, vicente.

So we're getting a dog 'cause we want a dog,

And that's all there is to it.

So what do you want from me?

Well, pop, we're just wondering

If you still have any of schwarzkopf's old dog stuff

Because the woman who runs the animal rescue,

She's gonna come over and inspect our place.

And we want to prove to her

That we can be incredible parents.

- You mean "owners." - that's what I said.

Yeah, I got schwarzkopf's old leash

And his dog bowl over here.

The rest of the stuff's upstairs.

Brings a tear to my eye when I think of that little guy.

Oh.

You know, schwarzkopf was a great animal.

He was a horrible animal.

He tried to kill mrs. Cleator's dog.

'cause he was defending his bone,

Her dog was trying to get it from him.

That's what you do when someone takes what's yours.

You don't talk it out.

That's why he was victorious.

He was wheeled away like hannibal lecter.

With his muzzled head held high.

What are you two talking about?

Oh. You don't know about the whole shed war

Going on between dad and mr. Campbell?

Oh, you mean that insane ex-military freak?

Yeah. He's fighting with mr. Campbell.

I remember mr. Campbell.

You know, I-- I can't even talk about it.

He's going to talk about it.

I was ten years old,

And my soccer ball went over our fence into his yard,

And he took that garden claw he's always holding,

And he stuck it in the ball,

And then he held it up and laughed as it--and I--deflated.

It's been 25 years,

And I still haven't been able to watch soccer.

I'll tell you what you missed:

Three goals.

Excuse me, mr. Campbell?

What the hell do you want, hot dog?

Why am I "hot dog"?

'cause your brother's "hamburger."

I want to talk to you about the shed.

I know you and my father have been fighting,

But I firmly believe that any problem

Can be resolved by talking it out.

Look, I know he moved the shed,

And he's very sorry and would like to make peace.

What do I care if he wants to make pizza?

I said "peace."

Oh, oh. Talk into this ear.

My father would like to make peace.

Oh, well, that doesn't sound like him.

He sounds like this.

"oh, look at me. I'm ed.

I move people's sheds, and I'm dumb."

That's...

- Actually pretty close. - Yep.

Look, what can we do

To bring this whole shed thing to an end?

It's about more than the shed.

Over the years, your father has done

Unmentionable things to me.

He stole my angel away from me.

I loved her.

Oh, my god.

I kept her over there by the pond

So the birds wouldn't poop on her.

Oh, a statue.

I thought you were talking about your wife.

I was.

That was a joke.

Look, if I get you that statue back,

Will you be willing to at least talk to my dad?

Fine, fine.

So we just had a very nice conversation,

And afterwards, he said he wanted a truce.

It's a trap.

The man has a rock garden.

You can't trust that kind of crazy.

Dad, trust me. I talked to him.

All he wants is his statue back.

Where the birds can poop on it.

So it's a deal?

Not quite.

His hedge trimmers?