That Damn Michael Che

She was the jealous type and

I used to cheat on her.

A relationship feels like two people

carrying a couch up a flight of stairs,

and every year is another flight of stairs.

And you're at the bottom and sometimes you're like,

"I don't got it."

And she's like, "Push!" and you're like...

"You need someone stronger."

- Can I get you a water, buddy? - Uh, yeah.

And, uh, put bourbon in it and leave out the water.

Nothing? Yeah? I thought it was funny.

You all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.

- Everything is not okay with us.

Everything is fine.

- I can't do this anymore, Michael.

- What? Can't do what? What are you talking about?

This.

Whether this is, I'm done.

You know, that's...

forget it. - Say it.

No, forget it.

- This is what I'm talking about, Michael.

You never tell me how you actually feel.

- Because every time I tell you,

you freak out and start swinging, remember?

- Doesn't that tell you something?

It's on me, brother.

Thank you.

Brother.

- Okay. Hey, everybody. Calm down.

Let's get in our seats.

All right, kids.

Today, we have a very special guest joining us

to talk about the dangers of addiction.

They're all yours.

Thank you.

Hello, kids.

My name is Mr. Clarence,

And I grew up a regular kid just like all of you.

Hanging with my friends, going to parties,

getting into trouble.

But sometimes,

things that seem like harmless fun

can lead to a serious addiction.

That's what happened to me.

Was you addicted to drugs?

No.

I can quit drugs anytime.

Sometimes, I go two days without getting high.

I got hooked on something much more dangerous than drugs.

I became to addicted to something called...

Hoes.

Shut up!

This shit ain't funny.

- Hey, hey, everybody relax. Everybody settle.

Hey, man, what the hell are you doing?

- I'm sharing my story of addiction,

but these children started laughing at me.

- All good, man. Just chill out.

We were just expecting you

to talk about more traditional addictions

like drugs and alcohol.

- But that stuff is not the real problem.

Research shows that hoes are the number one cause

of all misery and destructive behavior.

What research?

My research!

I been sitting at home for months thinking about this shit

and I realized that before hoes came into my life,

I was fine.

- I don't think you should be here talking to children.

So you gonna take her side?

- Whose side? - You don't get it, man.

I lost everything.

My house, my money, my friends, I lost my damn mind,

all 'cause of hoes! - Hey.

You need to not call women that.

- I'm not talking about "women."

All rectangles are not squares.

- What? - Let me explain.

According to the research...

Are you drunk right now?

- I had me a little taste just to level me out before--

No, no, you need to go.

- Don't you remember what it was like?

What what was like?

- Before hoes. Come on, man.

You know what I mean.

Remember when it was just you and your buddies

riding your bike, playing in the dirt,

not a care in the world.

Remember how happy we were?

Don't you wish you could go back?

That's why I'm here.

To warn these children

so they can grow up to be better than us.

I look in they little faces and I see myself.

Especially in that one.

Hey, kid. What's your mama name?

Denise Jones.

And what's your daddy name?

I don't know.

Oh, no.

- A lot of stuff you learned in school

you're not gonna use in the real world.

Like pi equals 3.14.

Who the fuck tells you how big a circle is with a number?

You just use your hands.

That's what a pi is. It's about this big.

So you're seeing somebody else? -

I'm not even gonna answer that.

- Because you're seeing somebody else.

- Because what difference does it make?

I don't wanna be with you. - Wow.

- I'm not happy. There's no passion anymore.

We don't even make love.

- I'm always tryna fuck and you're always saying no.

- I just don't like having sex at your place

surrounded by all your sneakers.

- Well, I don't like having sex at your place

surrounded by all your candles.

I'm not a fuckin' vampire. - Whatever.

I mean, you always just fall asleep anyway.

- Because I jerk off before I get there like a gentleman.

- Oh, no! - What happened?

It happened again, huh?

You found the perfect video to masturbate to,

but you already jerked off for the night

to a much worse video.

So now you gotta wait till tomorrow to jerk off again

or till after the next time you pee,

whichever comes first.

There's got to be a better way.

Hi.

I'm Dr. Thurgood Carver.

And ever since I had my license to practice medicine revoked,

I've had a lot of time to think.

Mostly about...

what if there was a pill

that would give you enough energy to masturbate

even after you just masturbated?

I call it...

The 2nd Chance Pill.

Oh, there it is.

Just that size, costs $5, maybe $10?

Would you pay for that?

Shit, I'd pay for that.

- You got any energy left for me?

- No. I just whacked off. I'm pretty tired.

Oh.

Well, what about the 2nd Chance Pill?

- I already took it. Jacked off twice.

- Okay, well, can you take another one for me?

I only have two left.

- Well, you can buy some more, right?

- And are you gonna give me the $10 for another pill?

- $10? I thought it was $5.

Sometimes they're $10.

Fine, I will give you $10

but I wanna have sex right now. It's been months.

- But I haven't peed yet and it's gonna sting.

What?

Yeah...

the 2nd Chance Pill by Dr. Thurgood Carver.

Yeah, works so well, you'll be saying,

"Hell, maybe we was wrong about that Dr. Thurgood Carver.

"Yeah, maybe we owe that guy an apology.

"And his license to practice medicine again.

And his office too."

But it'll too late. Yeah.

See, 'cause I already got all your names on my shit list.

I like the sound of that.

Yeah, I'm gonna land on my feet.

And you'll all be sorry. You'll see.

You'll all see.

With my 2nd Chance Pill.

It's not just about the sex.

When was the last time we even went somewhere nice?

- We're somewhere nice now. Look, this is nice.

This does not count.

Your apartment is right upstairs.

I could call your Alexa from here.

- So what? You wanna be like all your friends on Instagram

posting pictures of fancy restaurants and vacations

pretending to be in a perfect relationship?

- Yes! Of course!

What's so bad about that?

- It's not real. All of that's fake.

- At least they're being fake on a beach in Tulum

and not arguing at a bar in their lobby.

- Fine. If you wanna be a Instagram thot,

I can't stop you. - God, you are so annoying.

- If you wanna be like all your friends,