Deon Cole: Sometimes I Get Real Deep with Stuff

From New York City,

Comedy Central presents Deon Cole!

All right.

Hey. - Hey.

I'm happy to be here.

This is groundbreaking right here, man.

I appreciate this, man.

Thanks for coming out.

I'm gonna do some jokes,

and you know, hopefully they work,

and if they don't, I don't live here, so it don't matter

or nothing like that, so.

I'm just gonna try some jokes out real quick.

See if they work or whatever.

Okay, start this off with something they might like.

Okay. Let me see.

Okay, cool.

I like drinking vodka and cranberry.

That's my drink.

That way you able to get messed up

and clean your system out at the same time.

I like to stay even when I get messed up.

Like I just found out fish is brain food.

It enhance your brain cells and that's good to know,

'cause weed kill your brain cells.

So if I eat some fish after every joint,

I should be even again, right?

Yeah. I might just start smoking fish.

Just cut the middle man out.

I remember one time I tried to get high,

I didn't have no weed,

and my little Hispanic homie was like,

"Deon, homes, if you don't have no weed,

take some cigarettes, dip 'em in some cold medicine,

dry 'em and smoke 'em, you'll be messed up."

I'm like, "Forget you Pepe,

I ain't about to do that."

About a week later,

I'm over my cousin's house playing PlayStation.

I'm like, "You got some cold medicine?"

He was like, "You got some cigarettes?"

I'm like, "Yeah."

We dipped and dried 'em,

smoked them five minutes later.

I was like (laughs) "I'm high as hell."

But we wasn't high, we was just sleepy.

I ain't had a chest cold since that happened.

If there's any drug dealers in the house,

I just wanna tell you from the bottom of my heart,

keep up the good work.

Don't get caught.

People like me need you out here, all right?

The guy I was buying weed from in Chicago, he died,

and it hurt my soul, too.

I just wanna tell the drug dealers,

you can't be out on the streets

acting any kinda way you want to,

getting shot and stabbed and stuff.

I mean, you got responsibilities, you know?

I mean, you gotta think about your customers, you know?

I mean, if you die, how we gonna get high?

See how that works?

Went to this guy's house to get some weed.

His sister answered the door.

I'm like, "Hey, Rita, tell Snake

I wanna get a little 20 sack."

She like, "Deon, Snake dead."

I'm like, "What?"

So there ain't no weed here?

How he gonna die and take the weed with him, huh?

One time I messed up my mother real bad.

Like my mother a Christian, like she a super Christian.

Like she go to church with a cape on.

I messed up real bad with her one time.

She was in the house praying

and reading the Bible with her friends,

me and my friend outside.

We smoking on something

and my boy like, "Hey man,

let's go in your house and order a pizza, all right?"

And I'm like, "Nah, man, my mom in there praying

and reading the Bible with her friends.

Plus we gonna be too loud."

He like, "We ain't gonna be too loud, all right?

I ain't no prayer hater or nothing like that,

but I'm hungry as hell

and I wouldn't do this if we was at my house."

I hate peer pressure.

So I'm like, "Come on, man."

So we go in the house to order this pizza

and while we're waiting on the pizza to come,

we having man talk, talking about women, sex,

It was basically that,

what we was talking about, whatever, but.

I don't know if y'all got this around y'all neighborhood,

but in Chicago, we got the ghettoest pizza places

in the world.

They don't even have no delivery man.

They give your pizza to whoever going your way.

I'm telling you, man, I open my door,

they be sending crack heads and drug dealers.

Open my door, there's a pimp standing there

with two bitches, just standing there.

He wasn't holding my pizza like this.

He was holding it like this.

Like it was a portfolio or something, just chilling.

I'm like, "Turn my pizza up."

We get the pizza. We start eating.

And I start thinking, man, my mom went to church today.

I should go see if she wants some of this pizza.

So I go in her room, I'm high as a meat coat.

Knock on the door.

I'm like, "Hey, what's up mommy? (laughs)

Oh, what's so funny?

Oh no, I was just laughing at something my friend said

in the room.

I ain't want to disturb y'all from praying

and reading the Bible.

I just came in to see if y'all wanted a piece of (beep).

Mama.

Mama, the devil been taking over my soul all week."

Sometime I get real deep with stuff.

Can you imagine? Check this out.

How about if we all had the power

to just think about where we want to be at

and we could just be there?

Wouldn't that be cool?

I get deep.

Let me tell you how deep I get before I get off

into this joke.

Imagine if everybody in here right now,

imagine if we all walked outside right now,

and we were already there.

Smoke one, you'll know what I'm talking about,

I promise you.

Imagine if you could just think about where you want

to be at and you could just be there.

Wouldn't that be cool?

'Cause I know some of y'all sitting out here right now

like, "Man, I gotta drive all the way over here,

drop them off, come all the way over here,

pick my kids up, and go all the way home."

And the only thing you could do is do this,

"I wish I was at home in my bed chilling."

And you'd go, "Home."

Be right in your bed, chilling.

If you could do that,

and I know if I had powers like that, I'd be like,

"I got powers like this?

Okay, I wanna be in the downtown national bank vault.

Hum."

Get in there and take all the money and be like,

"Okay, liquor store, reefer spot, and my woman house.

Hum."

You'll be trying to get money out the cash station,

getting robbed.

Do do, do, do. Guy come up behind you.

"Freeze, withdraw everything now

or I'll blow your head off."

I'd have been like, "Hum."

He'd be like, "Pow, pow, pow.

Where he go to?"

I'd have been right behind him like, "Hum.

Trying to rob me, bastard? Huh?"

You couldn't cheat on your woman either.

Right, you over somebody else going, "Who's is it?

Who is it?"

She at home like, "He ain't called yet?

I bet he over Fuquanda house.

I wanna be in the bitch closet. Hum."

Get up in the closet, see you in there,

she like, "Ah, I knew he was cheating on me, I knew it!

Forget it, to the nearest gun shop. Hum.

Yeah, lemme see that nine millimeter right there.

Yeah, the clip come with it? Infrared?

I'll take this."

"Okay, ma'am that'll be 400 and-"

"Hum."

Then bang down the closet. Boom.

"Freeze, Deon! I knew you was cheating on me.

You leaving me at home

with them little nappy headed ass kids.

You ain't gonna do it no more.

I'm gonna blow your balls off now."

I'll be like, "Hold for, hold on.

Just hold on for a minute.

Fuquanda, tell her what happened."

She be like (beep) "Hum."

I went to this restaurant

and I had this gay dude try to hit on me.

I tried to curse him out,

but it seemed like I kept giving him compliments.

I went up to the counter.

He was like, "Can I help you?"

I'm like, "Yeah, let me get a cheeseburger."

He like, "What you want on your cheeseburger?"

"Cheese. I want cheese on my cheeseburger."

He like, "What else?"

I'm like, "Look, you better quit playing with me, man."

He like, "Or what?"