Malcolm X

MUTED SHOUTS

GIRL WHIMPERS

SHE PANTS HEAVILY

SHE SHRIEKS AND YELLS

DOG BARKS IN BACKGROUND

BARKING CONTINUES

'The X-rays are clear. Thyroid function is good.'

Nothing's wrong with Duke, Mrs Spicer.

Then why is he so fat?

I think we have to consider lifestyle factors now.

No, look, we've been through this.

Duke gets a long walk, every evening, right through the woods.

And who walks him? Malcolm. My husband.

Every day? Yes! Two hours.

Wow. That just seems strange.

Why is a walk strange?

If Duke was walking for two hours every day,

he wouldn't be so overweight.

Why would my husband lie to me about walking the dog?

I have no idea, Mrs Spicer.

BUSY CHATTERING

PHONE RINGS

Who is it? My sister.

Please. Just ask her out. I can't stand all this yearning.

You've got to put yourself on the other side, man.

No. Can't do that.

You've liked her for too long.

If you're not going to do anything about it, you should just move on.

I have a plan. Really?

Does it involve coming in here every day

and watching her tuck into someone who's not you?

How long do those guys last with her?

With Caitlin? Days, man.

Exactly.

If I ask her out now, even if it works out, we're doomed to fail.

We're too young to make a relationship work.

You could just have fun.

This is important. I'm keeping my powder dry.

She goes out with the goofs, has her heart broken, blah, blah.

And then, when she's in her 20s, I'll ask her out.

And she'll realise Linus is the one.

And I'll marry her.

Mum, look, someone's dumped their bike.

They'll be back for it.

But they've just left it.

Leave it, come on.

Oi, psycho!

CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS

We're not ready yet!

We're not ready yet!

MUSIC CONTINUES

This is useless.

DOGS BARKS Duke...

I'm sorry, Duke, we're stuck.

CARNIVAL MUSIC RESUMES

Why has the parade started? The May Queen isn't here yet.

You can't start without the May Queen.

There, there, there. Look!

Where's Hattie?!

Where is she?

FAINT SCREAMS

Oh! Ugh!

Come on, Duke. Oh!

SHE SIGHS Go on.

Oh!

In your basket.

Malcolm!

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY

Malcolm!

Malcolm!

OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES

'Malcolm!'

It's not thyroid.

It's lack of exercise. The dog is NOT getting walked.

So, what exactly do you do in the woods?

I'm walking the bloody dog!

No. No. Just look at him. The vet said you can't be.

The problem isn't exercise, Gail.

I could walk the dog to kingdom come.

It would still be fat because of all the crap you feed it.

I beg your pardon?

Same with those poor sodding sparrows you gave the Battenberg to.

Pink shit all over the car and six dead birds in the drive.

I DO NOT mistreat the dog.

No, you don't. You give him pate.

Tesco's Finest pate.

And then you wonder why his gut is dragging on the carpet.

By the way, he shat in the car, and I'm not bloody cleaning it up!

EVERETT GRUNTS

DOOR CLOSES

Why aren't you at work, Dad?

Too busy to be at work.

Do you need help? Me? No.

It looks heavy. I got it.

You'll do your back, old man.

Jesus.

What have you got in it?

It's just work stuff.

What kind of work stuff?

What you don't know won't hurt you.

Yeah, but what do you do?

You're either here all day playing Xbox or you disappear for days.

I pay the bills, yeah?

And how I do that is my business.

That's all you need to know.

I want to know what's in that bag.

Oh? OK.

You know what it is?

It's, erm...

It's none of your damn business.

I'm going for a record score.

I've got glucose tablets and a bottle to piss in.

You can watch me play if you like.

GUNFIRE ON TV

Get some! Get!

And how are you doing today?

'Did you get your birthday present?

'It was a real hassle getting it to you.'

Yeah, thanks.

'Let me know if you need anything else.'

WOMAN SHOUTS OUTSIDE Hang on a minute, mate.

'..contact us directly.

'You have to help me!

'Please!'

You know how important this is. Please think!

'You must have known. She was the May Queen!'

SHE SCREAMS I told you to call the police!

Jesus Christ! You wouldn't let me, would you?

'You wouldn't let me call them! Oh, my God!'

SHE SCREAMS Where's my baby?!

SHE SOBS HYSTERICALLY

Police. Police.

'Yeah, er, my daughter.

'She's been missing for six hours now, yeah.

'My name is Richard Sutton.

'Hattie, Hattie Sutton. Hattie.'

Why wasn't Dad at the parade?

He must've got stuck at work.

Did he catch a bad guy?

Yeah. Course.

'Charlotte!

'Come and wash your hands or there's no snacks!'

Charlotte!

'What?' Hands!

'There's no soap.'

Yes, there is. I put one in yesterday.

'Well, I can't see it.'

See? Told you.

No-one likes a smarty-pants.

SHOWER RUNNING

Come on. Alan, where have you been?

Get out!

You're scaring me, sweetheart.

HE SHOUTS I said, get out!

Seth! Seth!

I've got to get back to the woods.

Listen! Come inside, yeah?

Have some food. Wash that shit off your face.

And take those flowers off your head!

The woods don't care about the way I look!

You've got to sleep in your flat or they'll take it away from you!

I worked hard to get you that flat. I made promises.

It's not safe there.

How can I look after you if you won't listen to me?

Seth!

That's a shame.

Your own brother.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, well, it's none of your business.

There's someone at the door!

CHILD'S TOY SQUEAKS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Alan!

BABY GURGLES

Ooh, who's at the door, Monty, hmm?

'Don't play with it, eat it, please.'

THEY LAUGH My boys! Hello, trouble.

Ooh, look at that. Oh, he's lovely. Kettle on?

I thought you'd forgotten about me. Never!

'Ooh, something's cooking.'

To think she used to throw pissheads in the back of the van.

Language! What?

Yeah, kids. How things change.

Bit soggier than I remember.

Hey, that is muscle. It's his paperwork muscle.

Fat muscle!

So when are you coming back then?

Well, I'm a bit busy at the moment.

Seriously, you can't be wiping arses for the rest of your life.

Excuse me, look at my beautiful family. Aww!

Why would I want to leave them? You'll always be one of us.

Nope. I am just a mum.

So, hand on heart, you're a civvy now?

Shouldn't you be somewhere?

Yeah, we should be going. See a woman about a stop out.

Who's missing?

Hattie Sutton, number 22.

She's still gone?

She was supposed to be May Queen, but she didn't turn up.

She's probably just with her boyfriend. Yeah, same old, same old.