American Dad!

Please stay green, please...

Come on, come on!

- Damn it! - (tires screeching)

Are we there?! Are we at camp?!

Almost, honey.

One f'ing light in this craphole town,

and I hit it every mother-loving year.

I can see the entrance!

You guys are so lucky you get to live

next to the best place in the world.

Hey! That guy's got a sleeping bag!

Mom, maybe he needs a ride to camp!

Whole town's got the camp spirit.

Not too close to the fire, boys! You'll burn your dogs!

But that's how my friend Snot likes them!

We're finally in the big-boy cabin this year!

Can you believe it?!

Oh, arts and crafts.

How long is this damn light?

Tomahawk!

That guy gets it.

Ooh, free hammer!

Did anyone see that throw?

Aah!

Oh, boy, Snotski.

Looks like someone was in such a rush,

he forgot his sleeping bag.

No matter. You can share mine.

We'll just sleep nose-to-nose...

keep our privates at a respectful distance

and our faces...

mashed together, I guess.

Actually, Steve, I won't need

my own bedding this summer,

'cause I have this.

Whoa, buddy!

Only counselors are allowed to have whistles.

Wait. Are you...

A counselor-in-training.

My whistle's corked so you can't blow through it.

But Chief Danny says if I do a good job with the Lil' Apaches,

I'll get full whistle privileges.

How...'s it going, boys?

I tell ya, Steve, every time I see you,

I just want to give you a wedgie!

You've got a wedgie face. Anyone ever tell you that?

I usually get "Ellen Page."

But I'm a big Cherokee now,

so I'll be the one giving the wedgies.

Actually, no one will be giving wedgies.

Thanks to a lawsuit that until now, I was sure you'd filed,

we have a zero-tolerance policy for bullying.

I don't like it personally,

but it's really helpful for the wimps and the Polacks.

Why would you choose to be a C.I.T. instead of a camper?

If you're a C.I.T., you don't have to pay.

It's the only way I could afford to come this year.

I always forget how poor you are.

I drink generic milk.

It's gray and comes in a bag.

I think it's softening my bones.

But I promise you, nothing is going to change

between us this summer.

Big boys rule the camp?

I'm part of a class-action lawsuit.

You all laughed at me,

but I told you we needed five newspaper subscriptions.

Happy anniversary, babe!

Oh, yeah, congratulations, you two!

Which anniversary is it?

Is it one?

Is it two?

Is it 69?

Well executed, Jeff.

You just earned yourself one month of USA Today.

Anyway, we're gonna celebrate by heading out to Burning Man.

I used to burn. Got too corporate.

Now you gotta poo in designated areas.

Anyhoo, how'd you get tickets? I hear it's hard now.

Uh...

You didn't get tickets?

You told me you were taking care of it!

"I got it covered, babe."

Hey, don't get on the naggin' wagon now.

Could've used that when I forgot to get tickets!

Ugh! Way to ruin our anniversary!

69 years down the drain.

Which is how this camp came to be built

on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Which tribe?

The, uh... Whatever, kid. They were friggin' Indians.

And some say their zombie chief still haunts the camp.

Whoa, whoa, Steve! What's going on?

Just telling the Lil' Apaches here the legend of the camp.

It's a great "dead" -time story.

Okay, maybe that's not a good idea.

If you get 'em all riled up,

I'm the one that has to read 'em

an extra chapter of "Super Fudge".

I thought this C.I.T. stuff

wasn't going to change us having fun.

It's not!

Look, let's hang at the rope swing tomorrow after lunch,

just you and me.

What about them?

They'll be writing letters home

and playing with the iPads they smuggle in.

Right, guys?

We don't all have iPads.

My Etch-a-Sketch can do something your iPad can't.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Since you couldn't go to Burning Man,

I brought Burning Man to you!

I'm giving you two the best anniversary ever.

And tearing up my lawn!

It's a Burn, Stan.

The only limit...

is your mind.

And the property line.

I can't believe Snot stood me up.

I've wasted the whole day flawlessly skipping stones.

Oh, no! It's the man from the other side of the lake!

Are these yours?!

Your stone hit me and my wife while we were making love!

You were alone over there.

That is one narrative!

(thinking) As far back as I can remember,

I always wanted to be a counselor.

Hey, what do you call 50 townies at the bottom of a rockslide?

A good start! (Laughter)

Good one, Chief! Get you another Sprite?

I don't know, Snot. Do townies eat their own shit?

To me, being a counselor

was better than being president of the United States.

It meant being a somebody in a town full of nobodies.

You guys get Sprite?!

Camper Steve? What are you doing in the counselor cabin?!

I'm sorry, Chief. Just a little misunderstanding.

Do you have any idea how long I was waiting out there for you?

I'm sorry.

What happened to us having fun together?

I have responsibilities now,

grown-up stuff.

That are more important than me?

Yes!

I mean... sometimes.

Yes.

Oh. Okay.

Look, Steve...

Apology accepted.

I wasn't apologizing.

I was just gonna say it's bedtime for you.

What a dick.

- I'm still here. - I wasn't talking to you.

This guy was talking to this guy about how much of a dick he is.

I'm tired of you guys fighting all the time.

You want to make up in my mouth?

This, Smith. This is why no one wants to canoe with you.

Hey, guys! How was arts and crafts?

You make some cool dreamcatchers?

Great! Great!

I've just been finding all the candy you hid in here!

In your pillowcases, under your mattresses.

And, guys, come on. I know "Todd" isn't a real camper.

He's just a bunch of Starburst mushed together

wearing Noah's clothes.

Didn't you used to sneak candy into camp?

Yeah, when I was a kid.

Now you're looking at a grown-ass man.

Do you see this?

This is what a grown-ass man looks like.

You are all missing swimming.

And if I find this stuff again,

I'm gonna make you smell these Air Walks

I've been wearing all summer without socks.

Snot's not letting you have any fun, huh?

Well, I'm here to change that.

That's a lot of powdered sugar.