3rd Rock from the Sun

No.

Oh! Bazooka Joe...

you're an imbecile!

- Good morning. - Dr. Albright.

I am about to reveal

something astounding.

I think you're overestimating yourself.

Behold! An Atm card.

Oh.

Congratulations.

You're now a member of a very elite group

of 200, 300 million Americans.

My name is raised. You can touch it if you want.

No, thanks.

When I press it into my forehead,

you can read my name backwards.

Pace yourself, we have a whole semester.

Nina, did I show you my new--

yes, you did, and, no, I don't want to feel it.

I have a great idea.

To celebrate, why don't I use my new Atm card

to withdraw money from one of many convenient locations,

even after business hours,

and take you out to dinner tomorrow night?

- All right. - Really?

- Yes. - You're not just toying with me?

You do understand it's dinner, out?

Yes,

but it can't just be dinner out of the house.

It also has to be dinner out of the car.

Yes. Now all I have to do is put this card into the Atm,

punch in my secret code, 1-2-3-4--

oh, no!

I was never supposed to reveal my code to anyone!

Ooh, well, now you're going to have to kill us.

- That was the mall. Wasn't it great? - How would I know?

The escalator broke down,

and I was stuck there for an hour and a half.

You know, I think the entire planet

should be covered by one big roof.

And we should never be more than 15 feet

from a wienie on a stick.

- Tommy, look what I bought for you. - A basketball?

- I've decided that you should join your school's team. - Why?

Because it's important that you experience

the humiliation of adolescent boys at the hands of bitter adults

trying to rewrite the failures of their youth.

It'll be fun.

All right, who ripped the radio out of the dashboard?

- What are you talking about? - The radio, it's gone.

Wait a minute, I know what's happened here.

You see it all the time on the news.

Oh, uh... toupees.

No, crime. We're victims of crime!

What are we supposed to do now?

The radio's gone. I think we all know what we have to do.

I can't believe Dick did this to me.

Why do I have to play basketball?

I know. Team sports are so infantile.

It's all masculine posturing.

- All the preening and flexing. - Exactly.

What I really hate is that there's some primitive part of me

that really responds to that.

And what I really hate

is being cursed with the heart of a champion.

- What is Harry doing? - It's part of my new security procedures.

- Harry: oh! Red alert!

There's a squirrel approaching the building.

This seems a bit extreme, lieutenant.

With all due respect, high commander, butt out.

Security's my domain. I'll take the blame for the radio.

- Oh, please. - No, I should have been guarding the rambler

instead of shopping for loofahs.

You're overreacting.

Dick, I have been telling you this planet is in a bad neighborhood.

We have been on far worse planets than this,

inhabited by creatures with far worse breath.

I mean, at least we're on a planet that's governed by laws.

You're too distrustful of humans.

It's just those two little eyes

right in the middle of their head

makes 'em all look like they're up to something.

Knock, knock.

Hi, hi. I heard about your car radio.

- Did you call the cops? - I don't think that's necessary.

Don't be silly. You go down to the station,

you ask for officer Franco,

an Italian gentlemen, very nice.

He came right over when my boyfriend

got beat up in my living room.

Your boyfriend got beat up in your own house?

Yeah. Well, my husband didn't care for him.

Oh.

Wow.

I smell the fist of justice.

I smell doughnuts.

Can't you feel it, Harry--

the stifling sense of order?

The discipline? The almost robotic lack of emotion?

The fluorescent lights?

God help me.

I love it.

What can I do for you?

Just let me be near you.

Okay.

My name's officer Don.

Well, officer Don, we're here to report a crime.

I blame myself. I dropped my guard.

It's not your fault. Crime happens.

On the surface, Rutherford may look like small town America,

but just beneath the well-manicured lawns

lies a hotbed of criminal activity.

We may be in the shadow of Cleveland,

but it's in the shadows where evil lurks.

Wow! Hey, when you do this,

it sort of looks like "Nypd blue." Wow.

Oh, my.

"Nypd blue."

Don: now, what happened?

The radio was stolen out of our rambler.

- A.M. With those push buttons? - Yes.

Those sick bastards!

- Fill out this form. - Form? Then what happens?

- I make a copy of it. - And then?

Then on Thursday a girl comes in and files it.

Paperwork. If I had my way,

I'd be out in the streets putting the rats back in their holes.

Well, Don, if I had a gun like that,

I wouldn't be sitting behind a desk until I ran out of bullets.

Hi.

So what are you here for?

Well, they picked me up for vagrancy,

but that's not the real reason.

I'm here because they know.

They know I'm from the planet clarion in the bard spiral

on the Cepheus dracond border.

Do you know Steve?

Dear lord,

if it be within your great wisdom and mercy,

please grant us the strength and courage

to beat the hell out of the central high muskrats and--

- excuse me, coach. - We're in the middle of a prayer.

Do you think we should be bothering god over a basketball game?

- This is important. - The other team's praying, too.

So our god is stronger than their god?

There's only one god, Solomon.

Am I the only one seeing a conflict of interest here?

Yes! All right, first in, out on the court!

Let's go! Hustle it out there! Get out there!

- There you go. - Coach, what about me?

I'm sorry. You're not tall enough.

What are you saying?

You're too damn short! Get outta here.

Oh!

Why, yes, I will have another transaction,

and this time in... español.

I'll be done in a minute. I just want to see what my limit is.

- Take your time. - Look at this.

I put the card in, and money comes out. Card in, money out.

Oh!

You see this? As much as I want over and over again.

- Isn't it amazing? - Yeah. Now give it to me.

What? No, no, no.

This is my money, but I'm sure you can have your own card--

quit foolin' around. I said, hand it over.

No, let me explain this to you again.

This $300 is mine,

just like the 100 I just put in my wallet.

Yah! Whoa! Yah!

This is all my fault.

What was I thinking, letting you go out by yourself?

A man who could steal a wallet is capable of anything.

He could have put you in a vat of saline

and harvested your organs over a period of months,

forcing you to regenerate kidney after kidney after--

- will you stop! - Now, just relax.

- You've got to calm down. - How can I calm down?

I feel so utterly exposed

and vulnerable,

and not in that fun spanky way.

It's all right. You're safe now.

What kind of a place is this where you can't wave handfuls of money around

in the middle of the night?

Sir, did this guy have any distinguishing marks?

His skin was rather nice.

Well, Mr. Solomon, I can see that you're pretty upset,

so I'll just be giving my home phone number... to your sister.

Call if you have any... needs.

- Oh, why did this have to happen? - It was late.

Why did I have to be at that place at that time, taking out all that money?

- Don't blame yourself. - I don't, I blame you!

- What?! - You had to agree to go out with me.

You always turn me down. Why did you pick now to say yes?

- I don't know. - You see, you weren't thinking.