A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy

Ghosts? Little spirits or pixies?

I don't believe in 'em.

Do you, Mr. Foxx?

No, sir.

You sound it, with all your metaphysical gibberish.

Well, I didn't mean ghosts as spirits, Professor.

Nothing is real but experience,

that which can be touched, tasted, felt or, in some scientific fashion, proved.

We must never substitute qualitative events

that are marked by similar properties and recurrences for fixed substances.

Mr. Snell, since these are the last few moments before the summer vacation,

I would appreciate it if you could remain awake until the final bell.

I'm sorry, sir.

I take it you rule out metaphysics as unworthy of serious consideration.

As I stated quite clearly in my latest paper,

metaphysical philosophers are simply men who are too weak

to accept the world as it is.

Their theories of the so-called mysteries of life

are nothing more than projections of their own inner uneasiness.

Apart from this world, there are no realities.

But that leaves many basic human needs unanswered.

I'm sorry. I did not create the cosmos. I merely explain it.

- Leopold! Congratulations! - Ah!

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- Do you have a photo of the lucky woman? - Of course.

The wedding is tomorrow?

The day after tomorrow. Sunday.

We're motoring to my cousin's home for a simple country ceremony.

She's magnificent!

She'll be the final jewel in your crown.

Is it boorish of me to ask you to inscribe your books?

Oh, not at all.

I agree with you about Balzac, Leopold. He's vastly overrated.

She has the face of an angel.

And the disposition of one, as well.

Gentlemen, as someone who has resolutely resisted matrimony,

I now must admit to being the fortunate individual

on whom fortune showers her favors beyond measure.

I'm sure she also appreciates what an extraordinary catch she's getting.

You flatter me, Ambrose.

Listen to him. I flatter him!

A philosopher, an art critic, an astute political theorist, an outspoken pacifist.

A man of culture!

And a singer of Schubert lieder.

Come now, gentlemen, am I to be overpraised

merely for the accomplishment of being a civilized human?

And what after the wedding, Leopold?

We are only having one week of leisure, which we will spend in London,

a long-awaited opportunity to show her Thomas Carlyle's grave.

Following that, we depart for the continent,

where I have consented to give a series of lectures on Renaissance art.

It will be a pleasure to bring Tintoretto into perspective

for his innumerable many sycophants.

Andrew, are you all right?

Yeah. No, I'm fine.

I just... I can't seem to get airborne with my wings for some reason.

And, you know, I've had wonderful success with my flying bicycle.

Why does a beautiful day like today give me such a sad feeling?

Adrian, I don't want to hear anything sad for the next two weeks.

I want this to be a terrific time for us.

I just wanna relax and have a good time

and go fishing and work on my inventions,

and I don't wanna think about Wall Street.

You know, this is supposed to be a vacation.

I never noticed this thing before, Andrew. What is that?

This thing, that's my spirit ball. If it works, which I doubt if it's gonna work,

but that penetrates the unseen world.

Oh, yeah? Which unseen world are we talking about?

Well, you do admit that there's more to life than meets the eye, right?

- Mmm-hmm. - Either that, or I weep.

- Maybe... - Yeah, well, like what?

Like what? Like, ectoplasm and various energies.

I want that thing to emit light rays and to capture the future and the past.

Hmm.

Well, incidentally, I'm putting my cousin Leopold and his fiancee in our bedroom,

and we'll take the guest room for the night.

It'll be much nicer before their wedding.

Oh, imagine sharing a bed before marriage. It's a little bit depraved.

Yeah, I'm very anxious to meet your cousin, Leopold,

'cause I tried to read both his books.

I... I couldn't get through the first one and I couldn't get through the second one.

Is Maxwell going to come up alone or will he bring a guest?

Maxwell appear without appropriate female companionship?

You know better than that. You look adorable.

Oh, Andrew. Um...

You know, Maxwell, I don't know where he comes up with some of these women.

Well, you know Maxwell, he's a doctor.

So, these poor women in the tubercular ward show him gratitude.

Yeah, well don't think I don't notice you leering at his buxom weekend guests.

That's, uh... I leer. I admit it. I look. I leer. Yeah, I salivate.

I salivated the day that I met you.

Andrew, what are you doing?

Come on, Adrian.

- It's high noon! - This'll give you an appetite.

Oh, Maxwell.

Sweetheart, listen. We can't go on like this.

Why not?

Because my husband is beginning to realize there's nothing wrong with me.

It's medically sound to have periodic checkups.

Yes, but not so many.

The president doesn't have this kind of healthcare.

Come away with me this weekend.

Oh, I can't!

Why? You know how I feel about you.

You know how much I wanna come, but it's just not possible.

This is the best weekend of the whole summer.

- Oh, Maxwell! - What?

If there are other guests, we'll have to have separate rooms...

Well, that's okay. You can always leave your door unlocked.

- I can't. - We'd have fun.

It's impossible! Stop asking me.

Another...

Another time, I promise.

- You swear? - I swear. Now I have to go out.

Thank you, Doctor.

It's all right, Charles. It's only a muscle spasm.

Come in next Tuesday at 3:00. I'd like to take one more look.

What are you smiling at, Miss Ford?

Oh, I was thinking about something I read in The Katzenjammer Kids.

- What are you doing this weekend? - Me? Oh...

Well, I'll probably go to Coney Island. Why?

Come away with me.

Where?

To the country. The cousin of my best friend's wife is getting married,

and a few of us are gonna celebrate and have a good time.

Really?

Is it all right if I called you Dulcy?

Yes. I'm just surprised.

Did you not know that I've had my eye on you these last two weeks?

I've only been working here for five days.

Oh, I lose track. You always seem so shy around me.

The nurses on the floor say you're fast.

- Me? - I mean, I think you're handsome.

Come with me. We'll have a fabulous weekend.

We'll sun and swim and drink beer.

Naturally, I'll make sure we have separate rooms.

We don't need separate rooms.

I'm sorry about this afternoon.

It's not your fault, Adrian, it's probably me.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

What's wrong is that we have a bad sex life. It's very simple.

But why?

But why? Because we never sleep together anymore that's why.

But what went wrong?

Don't ask me.

Everything seemed great till about a year ago, then you just sort of cooled off.

Well, I've apologized to you about a hundred times.

You don't have to apologize... You know, obviously,

I've done something to make you feel that way.

No. I can't explain it.

I just started having those moods and odd feelings.

And the annoying thing is that of course I get tense and I can't relax

and the whole thing gets destroyed.

I know. It's become a chore.

Right. It's not the kind of thing that should we should, you know, look forward to,

like it's hanging over our heads all day

that we're gonna be in bed together at night.

It's not fair to you.

No, it's not fair to you either.

That's why today at the barn I tried to do it quickly and get it over with,

and then we would, you know...

I'm... I don't mean "get it over with" in a horrible way.

I mean that... I don't know what else to do.

Adrian, I'm sorry.

Come on, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Could you get me a headache tablet?

We should ask Maxwell. He's a friend and a doctor.

God, no! I don't want everybody to know our personal problems.

What about your cousin, Leopold? He's a philosopher.

I wonder if geniuses have problems with their sex lives?

Oh, please, don't bring it up!

I'm only kidding.

So who's he marrying anyhow? What does she do?

Is she also a philosopher or an astronomer or something?

Oh, well, she doesn't do anything. I think that her family's in politics.

- Uh-huh. - I believe her name is Ariel Weymouth.

Did you drop something?

Yeah, I dropped a glass.

I better get the broom and make sure all the slivers are up off the floor.

Hi! Hey, Maxwell!

Andrew, my goodness! How are you? Be careful.

This is Dulcy. Andrew.

Don't kill yourself. We just got here.

Hello!

He delights in making impractical but danger...

- Adrian! - Hello.

- This is Dulcy. - How do you do?

Charmed, I'm sure.

He's down.

Don't worry. I always carry bandages.

You must be tired after your motor trip.

Can I show you to your room... Rooms?

It's up to him.

We'll just use one room.

Maxwell!

Andrew, you okay?

Maxwell, I think I've fractured my last remaining nose.

You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.

Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.