Peep Show

Work time. Have you got your couscous salad for lunch?

'My Tupperware box of tasteless misery sand.'

Yup. Lovely. Thanks.

Hey, tell you what, shall we just fucking do a runner?

Yeah, let's steal the cutlery as well and stab a policeman with it!

Partners in crime.

'Bonnie and Clyde, not the Wests.'

Seriously, Mark, why don't we?

Well, because we owe these people money.

They've got to pay staff and there's the utility bills...

All right, forget it. Sometimes it's fun to be in the moment.

People who do runners aren't all criminals.

They definitely are.

It's just Gerrard... It's made me think about stuff.

You've got to live your life, Mark.

'Uh-oh. Need to shut this down.'

Living your life isn't just swimming with dolphins

and climbing Machu Picchu, though, is it?

It's-it's everything. Just drinking my...

my delicious tea in this nice local cafe is living my life.

I've been thinking we should go interrailing,

for three weeks, maybe, or a month, stay in hostels.

It wouldn't cost much. What do you think?

'Well...

I think I hate and fear all facets of that idea.'

Hello. Why are you up so early?

'So I can stare at your girlfriend.'

Big Mad Andy started painting the kitchen.

Ah, yes. Big Mad Andy,

or Big Mad Very Cheap Indeed Andy, as I like to call him.

So do you need... another coffee?

Sorry, we need to get to work.

Oh, fine. Well, I'll walk with you cos I need to go to...

that direction.

'Mustn't be in love with you. You're Mark's.

It'd be like a weird sort of incest.

Although, to be fair, even normal incest is pretty fucked up.'

Dobs, interrailing sounds great,

but I was half sort of semi-thinking of finally doing an MBA, so...

Do it when we get back. We're not emigrating to the moon.

'Although that might be preferable.

Certainly a lot fewer French waiters on the moon.

Aww, hello!

My landlord won't allow pets

but I wish I had a cat.

I love cats.

Do you? Yeah.

I love that whole, "Screw you all, I'm a cat," vibe.

We always had cats at home.

Georgie, Pickle, Fonzie, Socks, Bobtail.

That's a lot of cats. We were quite near an A road.

I'd better be off to get the bus. Laters.

Bye. Bye.

So are you gonna go interrailing? What do you think?

Why can't Dobby just move into the flat so we can have a lovely normal time?

Is that too much to ask?

Just sitting indoors with some incredibly strong Cheddar?

'She doesn't want your boring Cheddar.

She wants my veiny, intriguing Stilton.'

We do some very nice modern fittings.

Clean lines, minimalist.

Yeah, we do want the bathroom to look very modern, but also very traditional.

Right. It is quite difficult to marry those very disparate styles.

Well, that's the look that we want. I understand that.

I'm just not sure that it's a look that actually physically exists in the world.

You're looking for classic meets modern, yeah?

Yeah, that's right. So clawfoot bath with thinline cistern.

Fancy taps but rainforest showerhead.

Exactly. Can do, sir.

Can do...

and will do.

Erm... Sorry, Hans, this is my customer. You... you can't just take my customer.

Yeah, I can, Mark.

For two reasons. One, he wants me to... Don't you, mate?

Yes, please. 'Fuck you, Dr Frankenbath.'

and two, as of this morning,

I'm your boss.

Grab us a large latte and a pain aux raisins, would you, Mark?

'Come on, fate, this can't be right.

Don't fist me again, fate.' Oh, Robert...

Just heading out, Mark.

Is Super Hans my boss now? Have you just promoted him?

Well, it depends how you define "boss". In the normal way.

Then yes, he is.

'Super Hans has become my boss. This is insane.

Shaun Ryder responsible for setting the LIBOR rate.'

You on lunch?

Couscous salad. Dobby makes a big batch at the start of the week.

She puts little notes in it too.

"Grains for your brains," that sort of thing.

"Be-cous I heart you!" That's today's.

Hmm. Salad's fucking grim, though.

I close my eyes, shovel it in as fast I can, open them...

and there's still the same amount.

Listen, Mark, I'm sorry about earlier,

but I am gonna have to be on your case pretty much permanently from now on,

belittling you, if needs be.

No hard feelings, though, yeah?

In a way, I'm pleased.

It's made me finally decide to do something.

Still plenty to live for, Mark. You've got a kid.

Not suicide! I'm not suicidal.

No? No.

I'm finally gonna do an MBA at evening class.

Maybe get a business of my own going.

Hmm, that's us both moving up.

Since I've got prospects, I wanna find the perfect partner.

See, I've been lucky enough to have shared relationships with some very creative,

volatile, very intense women, but now I really want a normal one.

Meet Mr Eisenhower.

Aah! Isn't it a sweetie?

What do you think, Hans?

I'm guessing cat.

'Yes, and this cat's gonna help me lure Dobby in

like a classic '70s paedo in a Ford Granada.'

He's a rescue cat. I rescued him.

Well, not actually me, some mental ladies whose children have left home.

Is he a Siamese? I think so.

Right, yeah.

I don't like those. They're a bit horrible.

'Brilliant. My woman bait has failed

and I now have to look after a cat until it dies.'

I'll make some tea.

'They can live for 25 years!

I'll be 60 and doubly incontinent and Dobby still won't have moved in.

Understandably.

Great, and it looks like Big Mad Andy's done no painting at all.'

A cup of char, or would you prefer some...

'What's a blokey name for coffee?'

hot java?

I'm fine with lager. I like a proper drink when I'm working.

Are-are you sure that's Dulux Heritage?

It's just it's all in unmarked tins.

That's how the trade gets 'em. Right.

And-and-and that's definitely Breakfast Room Green?

Look, whatever you asked for, mate, that's what it is, yeah?

Sure. Brilliant. Many thanks.

'Well, I think I made a pretty forceful point there.'

So have you thought any more about the interrailing plan?

'Hmm. Make it seem boring - my signature dish.'

I was thinking we should plan the route meticulously -

how we're gonna get to each place,

timetables, hostel pricing structures.

Really dig down into the detail.

Great, let's do it. Ace.

'Impressive work, Corrigan.'

'Shot yourself in the foot and then scored an own goal with it.'

Hi, I'm here about the ballet shoes.

The ballet shoes?

'Is she gonna mention Jesus?'

Sorry, have I got the right flat?

Sara, yeah? Come for the ballet shoes?

Yeah. Just a minute.

I've worked out how to meet the perfect woman, Mark.

Advertise on Freecycle.

Sort out the right combination of free stuff

and you can engineer who comes round.

So if they want ballet shoes...?

They'll have a conventional nature but with an adventurous love of the arts -

perfect.

Plus, limber, if you receive me.

Where did you get ballet shoes?

From a dancewear boutique.

Cost me a fair bit, but it's an investment.

And why are you using my flat exactly?

My place has got a bit of a men's hostel vibe.

It's-it's a bit rank, a little bit semen-y.

Hello again.

So... As new.

My sister bought 'em and then just went right off ballet.

Got into bowling. Different shoes.

And... this is the Squarepusher CD.

Oh, can I just take the shoes?

The advert did say they go together,

the shoes, the CD, and this...

speed goes with it.

It's a package. Right.

I don't want the CD or the speed, thanks.

Then I...

can't give you the shoes, love. Sorry.

Bye.

She obviously wasn't right, Mark.

Might have to finesse the formula.

Don't wanna buy some ballet shoes, do you, mate?

How much?

Antwerp, city of beer, diamonds, chocolate

and probably Hercule Poirot. Let us walk its streets.

Where will the small, yellow, asexual figurine lead us?

Oooh, look, it's, er... How do you pronounce that?

Sook-eroo? Sweek-a-rooee?

A lovely street. Let's look around. We can go anywhere.

'This will slake her thirst for adventure.'

Ah, it's the, er, Restaurant Maritime,

which I imagine might well be a fish restaurant. What else?

Six bars, a pizzeria,

and a large pharmacy.

The dream!

We will do this for real, right?

We will go interrailing?

'Oh, she's insatiable!