It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

That hits.

- I am so psyched that we're going back. -

- Yeah, yes. - Yeah, yeah.

You guys, I mean, arcade games, pizza, comedy.

- What more do you want in a place? - You can't beat it.

The best part about Risk E. Rat's, though,

is that they make kids feel like they're the ones in charge.

- Yeah... - Totally.

Like, that's where I became a man

and saw my first set of boobies, at Risk E.'s.

- Really? - Uh-huh. - Wait, what?

Wait a minute. Hold on. I don't know about this.

Oh, yeah, dude, Justine the Teen Dream.

She was one of the robots in the Animatronic No Rules Band.

- You guys remember that? - Yeah, of course.

Right, so if you got off the Train to Kid City

and you snuck backstage, you could see under her shirt

- just before she came out to perform. - Ooh...

- - Uh, yeah, I remember hearing about that,

but I thought that was just a legend.

- That's real, dude. - No, that was real, dude.

- You saw them? - I saw 'em, I saw 'em.

- Yeah. Yeah. - That was the fir-first set of boobs I ever saw

- since my mom's, so... - Yeah.

Do they still have that room where they paddle you

- if you're out of line? - Oh, no, uh, in our day

they called it the Time-Out Room.

And you would just go and sit there

and fester in your candy-fueled rage for about 20 minutes.

- - Then you learned your lesson,

and they'd send you back out to unleash it on the kids.

Yeah, listen, at the end of the day

it's all part of the fun.

I know, but speaking of fun, let's keep the song...

- Yeah, yeah, turn the song back on. - Yeah, crank that shit.

They really spruced this place up, huh?

- Looks good. - Yeah, yeah.

But it still sounds the same, though, right?

But, boy, that noise sure would send the parents running,

- wouldn't it? - Yeah.

- - Oh, remember when the moms would go

- in the padded bar? - Oh, yeah, they soundproofed it.

Yeah, they soundproofed it so you couldn't hear it.

- - Yeah. - Oh, they would get hammered.

What you got there, bozo?

Just need you to sign these waivers.

Eh, no waivers, no.

I'm not really supposed to let you in

unless you sign this.

Oh, yeah, well, listen.

Well, I agree it's total bullshit

that we would have to sign a waiver

and also that we could bum-rush you

and there's nothing you could do about it.

But you know what? Listen, today

we're just gonna have fun, we're not gonna do any of that.

We'll sign your goddamn waivers,

but I want you to know that, for the record,

we're doing this under protest.

Sure, I don't care.

- Okay. Cool, man. - Hey, here's a little something for you.

That's not my name.

Yeah, I just went...

There's a bottom section, too... okay.

- All right, man. - None of 'em are really...

Okay.

Mmm.

What the hell are you doing?

Drinking water.

What does it look like I'm do...?

Get the hell out of here!

Frank, what...?

- I guess he's thirsty. - Yeah.

All right, well, we have a few hours before the show begins.

I was thinking I would go redeem my old tickets

and then maybe play some Skee-Ball.

- Yeah, good call, man. Nice. Have fun, have fun. - Yeah?

- Get it, go ahead. Yo. - Hey, uh, Charlie, um,

I can't get past

- this whole Justine the Teen Dream thing. - Sure.

And this feeling that I just missed out on my childhood.

- Yeah, mm-hmm. - And I'm just wondering if

- maybe you want to... - Yes, I do.

- Yeah? - Yeah, let's go.

Uh... Well, they're gonna go check out

some animatronic titties, so...

Hey, you want to do the joke hunt?

- Yeah! Did you have that when you were a kid? - Yeah.

Where you search around for the little pieces of cheese

and they have jokes attached?

Yeah, and if you got 'em all...

- Yeah. - You'd get to meet Risk E. himself.

And he'd do his whole routine for you.

Where he would smack his kids in the head

because they were pieces of shit

and then he would bust his brother

because he was a lazy drunk.

That was so funny.

- -Oh, yeah. I mean, that, that's funny.

They changed it a bit by-by the '80s.

- Oh. - Yeah, I think they...

It was a little bit more highbrow and, like,

um, uh, topical,

like, like, uh, like diverse ethnic stuff.

Oh, ethnic, yeah. Racist.

Mm, no, no. Not, not racist.

Thinks like, um, you know, like making fun of people

for not belonging here.

Right? Or like, like it's funny when people sound funny

because they're, they don't, they're not from...

they're not from here.

Yeah, because of their race.

Hmm, I don't think that was it because it was like,

it's like a fish out of water...

- kind of... - Uh, okay.

Satire? I don't know.

I can't wait to see who the victims are

these days.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Totally. - Yeah. Let's go.

- Let's-let's go find some cheese. - Let's... okay.

Let's go. Let's go this way.

- Yeah. - Come on.

No more Game Boys, but they do have a PlayStation.

That's an upgrade.

- Can I help you, sir? - Ah, yes, you can.

I brought my tickets and I'd like to make a purchase.

Where are your guns?

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, the gun section.

I'm very specifically looking for Risk E.'s rifle.

It had a real heavy feel to it,

it was very realistic, had a good smoky bang.

I used to put pebbles in there

and I could fire them, like, right at Charlie's eye.

It was awesome.

Oh, uh, I don't think we have anything like that.

We have an orange space laser.

What t he hell am I supposed to do with an orange space laser?

Have you ever seen anybody use a space laser in real life?

How do I simulate

real-world violence with something like that?

Why would you want to simulate real-world violence?

To get it out of my system, bozo.

All right, fine. Forget it.

Just get me one of those, um...

switchblades that are combs.

I don't know what that is.

The switchblades that become combs

that you can threaten your friends with,

but then you don't know whether it's a blade or a comb.

You know what I'm talking about?

Okay, how about some of that, um...

can you get me some of that gum

that I can put in my mouth and pretend like I got,

like, a big old fat lip and spit all over the place?

You know what I'm talking about? The...

I don't think we have those...

What about the candy cigarettes? Give me candy cigarettes!

Those were discontinued because cigarettes are illegal.

Okay, for Christ's sakes,

can you get me like...

the extra large Atomic FireBalls?

I believe they were considered a choking hazard.

Oh, my God, a-a box of Nerds, nerd.

Now, Nerds.

Oh, you got those.

What the...?

What is, what is this? Where's the mouse hall?

Hold on a second.

What, what? So you're telling me they shut down the-the-the

Ride to Kid City for a superstore?

I mean, there's clearly no mouse hall.

There's no way to access this thing.

- Dude, what are they doing, man? - I don't know...

Also, okay, what's up with the helmet, right?

- - Risk E. does not wear a helmet, remember?

If he would fall and hit his head, he would say...

"That's what the bone's for."

"That's what the bone was for," right?

And he'd come up, he'd crack you on the back of the head.

He'd smack you in the back of the head.

- "That's what the bone is for!" - "Bone is for!"

- - I mean, that was, like...

- part of the fun of it. - It's unbelievable, man.

- Things change, I-I get that. - Okay, fine.

- Things change, right? - Yeah.

I mean, look, I don't want to be that old guy

who's, like, complaining about the way things used to be,

but, you know, I, uh...

- Want to see boobs. - I just do.

You didn't get to see 'em,

and it was a big part of the experience.

They knew that you needed that.

Risk E. knew that you needed that.

They knew you were curious. It wasn't a big deal.

- Yeah. - The boys, they need something to as... you know.

Yeah, yeah. It's great for the boys.

And it's also good for the girls because then they know

what they're supposed to look like.

It's aspirational. I mean, this,