Cougar Town

Okay. Okay, bad guy!

I know you're out there,

but you picked the wrong house, buddy.

The wrong house!

I may be scared,

but I am not going down like this!

Now that Trav's at college, what's it like

living all alone in this big, empty house?

I wouldn't say I'm getting a lot of sleep.

Why a spoon? You can't hurt anybody with a spoon.

Ow! Oh, please. I barely hit you.

Ohh. I can't believe Travis is gone. I just...

I miss him so much. Except for when I lived in Paris,

I've never lived alone before. You've also never lived in Paris.

If you visit a place for over a week,

then you get to say you lived there. Well, then I'm a badass,

because I lived in a women's prison once. Cracker alert.

Oh. I put bells on the front door.

That way I know when someone's coming in to kill me.

Oh.

I like the bells. It's little christmassy.

Ohh. With Travis gone, how am I ever gonna feel safe?

Jules, I'm here sleeping with you most nights.

Holler.

Plus, it's a safe neighborhood.

You're right. Oh, boy.

What, I-is there a mark? No.

Really? Because it feels hot and raised.

Well, it's not. I mean, come on. Guys? I don't see anything.

No, I don't see... yeesh. Nope. I don't see nothin'.

Within my finger circle

that I'm making... nothing right there? Nope.

Can you believe it, Kevin?

This... is... college.

You know, in high school, wasn't that popular.

Wasn't a dork. Had a girlfriend.

Had intercourse with her. You know... how I... do.

But, uh, still most people just knew me as the guy

with the haircut who made his head look perfectly square.

But not here.

No. Here I'm gonna be a quiet badass,

like Harry Potter.

Not early Potter, but in the last book, when he...

what am I doing? You probably read it.

The point is, that's the great thing about college.

You decide who you're going to be.

I'm gonna call you "square head."

Fantastic.

I just don't know what to do with myself, you know?

When Travis was here, I always had something to obsess over.

He was like my own little pale science project.

Go see him. Dork university is only, like, 20 minutes away.

I promised I'd stop being so clingy.

We're only gonna talk once a week.

What, you're finally noticing my new haircut?

I think it's awesome, too.

At constant attention Jules tortured Trav with...

Well, that crap bomb's gotta land

on someone else, buddy. Guess who she's gonna pick?

Since your son left, I wanted to cheer you up.

It's my family's label. Uh, we're all winemakers.

Thanks, Tom.

No offense, but you just got way more interesting.

I recently earned my orange belt in jujitsu.

And now you're running back the other way.

Look, I don't like attention,

so if Jules tries to smother me with it,

I will just say no.

What are we laughing at? Oh, my God. Those jeans suck.

It's like you forgot to put your ass on this morning.

We're gonna have to do something about your look.

Finally see your head?

Mm-hmm.

Man, that stinks.

I used to rock the Jean shorts and half-shirt,

but then the girls went and stole my whole look.

Remember how studly Burt Reynolds looked in that getup?

"Hey, look at me. I'm a hairy Adonis."

Yeah, the half-and-half was regal.

Hey, Rosa. Yeah, sure.

If, uh, Stan is having fun in the park, stay there.

All right. Man, our new nanny is awesome.

What happened to the old one?

When Stan goes to sleep,

just shake a little cereal in his crib.

That way, in the morning,

he won't wake us up when he's hungry.

He'll just eat the ones stuck to his tiny arms.

She may have called child services.

Okay, guys.

Aah. These are too tight.

Oh, nut up, crybaby.

You think women enjoy wearing tight jeans?

Do you think I'm lying like this to look sexy?

Mongo, flip me.

In order to get these jeans fastened,

I have to lie flat on the ground, and either Smith

or, if he's not there, my building manager

has to yank the sides together

while I suck in and do a quick zip,

and then the next day, I am bruised from here...

To here.

These are my standing jeans.

I literally cannot sit down in them. Watch.

I'm gonna relax my whole body and just crumble to the ground.

Oh, no, I'm not.

You see, because my jeans are holding me up. Yeah.

You know what else I decided?

Doesn't he look Bette in glasses?

Hello, Jeff Goldblum.

I'm in hell, I'm in hell

she says that again, I tell ya what I'm gonna say

I'm a grown man. I'll make my own decisions.

Just not to her face, I'm in he...

hey. Is that a new song?

Yeah. It... I'm not really ready to share it yet.

Well, when you're ready.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, hot flash. Did you do this?

I did. See, the reason I buy expensive things

is to belittle people who can't afford them.

Ooh, girl, you just got served. Or is it "owned"?

"Owned" is when y dominate someone

over a long period of time. "Served" is a swift takedown,

often marked by a dance celebration.

Oh, and, uh, what's a Snooki?

Payback is coming, Ellie.

Ooh, scary. Honey, you're so out of your league,

it's like playing chess with a monkey.

Stan's down, so I'll do his laundry.

That's fine, nanny. Don't need the play-by-play. Yes, ma'am.

Are you calling her "nanny"? I thought you loved Rosa.

She's amazing. I just don't want to be friends with her,

so I'm keeping it professional.

I have enough people who think they're my friends,

wandering around my house stealing time from me.

You mean her, not me, right?

Ohh.

During my glorious nine weeks in college,

I rocked the half-and-half, and maybe you can help

bring that look back on your campus.

What do you say, Trav?

You want to be the tip of that spear? Pass.

And this conversation is over

if that's what you're wearing. How'd you know?

So, dad, you know how excited I am

to redefine myself at college?

Quiet badass, like Harry Potter.

I'm just not quite sure how to do it.

Sounds like this talk needs to be face-to-face.

Don't come here. Don't come here. Don't come here! Don't...

hey, buddy.

Hey, did I tell you I played the drums when I was a kid?

No, you don't need to hear it from me.

Let my hands do the talkin'.

We should jam together.

I mean, seriously, I have always wanted a jam room.

We should everyone over and just jam out.

I mean, talkin'... just jam. I can't stop saying "jam."

My music is kind of... personal.

I mean, you understand personal space...

Think. Thanks for listening.

Oh. I love my security system.

May I help you?

About that, um, well, I'm feeling kind of guilty,

because this morning, you were freaking out about safety,

and I just kinda blew past it, but, um...

Oh, forget it. I, uh...

I don't want to scare you. Tell me.

Well, I went by my place,

and... well, some DVDs are missing.

And I'll just say it. Okay. Several.

And I know it's not someone getting dragged into the woods

and chopped up, but, uh, still pretty scary,

you know? Get everybody over here.

Welcome to the first neighborhood watch meeting.

You son of a bitch. You took us all down with you!

Shh. She's talking.

This is our cul-de-sac, damn it, and we've gotta protect it.

Tonight we take back the sac!

First order of business- we need a new slogan.

Breakfast never tasted this good. Y flashlight.

I had to take it out of my, um... something.

Anyway, back to the neighborhood watch association.

The main goal of the n.W.A. Is safety.

I thought it was to represent Compton. What? Mm! Yeah-y, yeah-y!

Okay. I-I don't get that.

Yesterday, Rayson's DVDs were stolen.

The next thing you know, you'll be signing for some package

that contains... guess what? My head.

If we're sneaking around the neighborhood at night,

should my husband be dressed as a cat burglar?

You ladies need a little muscle out there.

Cuban... missile... crisis.

Hey, nice ride.

What are you toppin' out at? 12, maybe 13 m.P.H.?

Why'd he give me the stink eye?

Because he doesn't know that you also drive a golf cart.

He just thinks you're being a douche.

You see, you're a thinker, Trav. This is college.