Porky's

# Get up, get up, you sleepyheads Get up, get outta bed

Good morning, Angel Beach. It's April 12.

This is Gene Morrison coming to you from WACN Angel Beach,

nestled by the shore in fabulous South Florida.

It's a bright and beautiful spring day.

President Eisenhower's running a tight ship, with his handsteady on the helm.

The stars are secure in the firmament and the rent's paid, so all's right with the world.

# So get up, get up, you sleepyheads Get up, get outta bed

Let's get out there and get America moving forward.

It's 64 degrees, expecting to reach a high of 76 - not a drop of rain in sight.

Good news for the beach bunnies, but bad news for the farm boys.

Now, to help you start the day, the singin'rage, Miss Patti Page.

# Tra-la-la twiddly-dee-dee

# It gives me a thrill

Edward. You'll be late for school.

Edward? Up. Right now. I've got things to do. You hear?

Hit the floor, right now.

# You're welcome as the flowers on Mockingbird Hill

Edward Morris.

You be at the breakfast table in five minutes, or you don't play ball this week.

- Pee Wee, what's wrong? - Nothing. I pulled a muscle in my groin.

Be careful. Your father wants you to drop him at the office. His car won't start.

- And pick up those clothes at the tailor's. - Instant eunuch.

# To wake up in the morning to the mockingbird's trill

# Tra-la-la twiddly-dee-dee

# There's peace and good will

# You're welcome as the flowers on Mockingbird Hill

Shit.

It is. It's gettin' shorter.

Shit.

# And survey all my kingdom while everything's still

- Hey! Did you get your coloured guy? - Does a fat dog fart?

- Well, what's he look like? - Like a Zulu.

- Six foot four, two huge gold teeth. - Great.

- Where'd you find him? - My old man's construction company.

He doesn't know what I'm talkin' about, but he's willin'.

- And he'll do it for ten bucks. - Ten bucks? Not bad.

- You sure the broad's all set? - Oh, it's no problem.

Jarvis, you stupid redneck.

You better duck, you suckers, when Jarvis is at the wheel.

- Billy Boy. Y'all get the nigger? - Come on, Jarvis.

- You mean "the coloured guy", "the negro". - Poor white trash.

- Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. - That's colourful redneck humour, right?

- Right. Kiss my rebel ass. - Should be writin' these down.

Immigrants. Go on back to Michigan and kiss ass with all the negroes.

This is Dixie, baby.

How come you don't have four names like most hillbillies?

Like Billy Joe Jim Bob, or Flora Mae Sally Sue?

Hey, man. I had a cousin named Billy Joe Jim Bob, and he was killed in the war.

Aw, gee, I didn't know, Mickey. I'm sorry.

- Anyway, d'you get the negro? - Yeah, we got one.

Guy's six four, has gold teeth- the meanest-lookin' mother you ever saw.

Hot damn! They're gonna croak. Who's goin'?

Hey, Tommy. Wait a minute.

- Did you get it? - I found a place that's got one.

Well, don't let me down. I'm gonna get that little creep.

- Who's she gonna get? - Pee Wee.

- Didn't you hear about the other night? - No.

- Are you sure you didn't? - No.

Well, we figure we gotta get Pee Wee laid, so I fix him up with Wendy.

Pee Wee and Wendy? Damn, I thought she had better taste than that.

Well, all he had to do was knock it off. They're makin' out, and you know Wendy.

She reaches down, she unzips his fly and she grabs his cock, and guess what?

- What? - The little bastard already had a rubber on.

- Oh, bullshit. - I swear.

Wendy told me. Why would she lie? Horny mother wore a rubber to his date.

She got so pissed off she wouldn't let him touch her.

- Hi. I'm Mindy. Can I ask you somethin'? - Yeah, sure.

Why do they call you "Meat"?

- I don't know. - Wendy Williams told me I should ask ya.

She did, huh?

Why do they call you "Meat"? Cos you're so big?

- Yeah, sorta. - Not "sorta". Why?

- Do you really wanna know? - Yes.

- OK. Come on. I'll show ya. - Meat. Wait, wait, wait.

- She's only a freshman. - After this, she'll be a senior.

But if you get suspended again, you'll never get that scholarship to Princeton.

Now think about that.

- I'm sorry, babe. No cigar. Can't do it. - He won't tell me.

Aw, shoot.

- Hey, you guys. Wait up. - Speakin' of horny mothers, it's Ready Eddie.

- Be serious. I'm goin' tonight, right? - Even a nymphomaniac has standards.

She lives with a black stud. He's gonna cut your pecker off.

- Yeah, he's bringin' a pair of tweezers. - I don't care. She likes to screw, right?

Especially young guys. The more the merrier.

- Is she good-lookin'? - She's got a great body. Moves like an eel.

- Just the way l like 'em. - As long as they're not dead...

I don't care if they're dead as long as they're not too cold.

Let's not invite many guys - we can all get her twice.

He's not even invited and he's makin' up the guest list?

- You're not cuttin' me outta free nooky. - All right. You're goin'. Now shut up.

- I'm goin'. Eight o'clock, right? - Right.

- Wear your rubber. - That lyin' bitch.

- I forgot which one is... - This is the raw one...

- No. This is hard-boiled... - Gonna get some action tonight, huh?

- What are you talkin' about, Pee Wee? - I'm goin' tonight. They said I can go.

- He'll be the comedy relief. - She could use you for a recess period.

- Funny! What are you doin' with the eggs? - What eggs?

- "What eggs"? Those eggs. - Oh. These eggs.

- They're for you. - For me?

Yeah. We thought you might like to wear one.

Timmy...

- Funny. - Not as funny as the look on your face.

- You gotta let me do it to somebody. - I don't think there's anybody left.

- Oh, come on. There's gotta be somebody. - I think we've done just about everybody.

Let me do Meat. You gotta let me do Meat. Come on, Timmy.

OK. Now listen. The one in your left hand is the raw egg, OK? That's the one you drop.

The one in your right hand is the hard-boiled egg, the one you hit him with.

- Left hand raw, right hand smack him. - Go get him, Tiger.

- Hi, Meat. - Hi, Pee Wee. What's goin' on?

- Oh, nothin'. - Guys.

Watch it. What are you, a psycho? What's with the eggs?

- What eggs? - Those eggs.

- Watch my lips. Those eggs. - These eggs?

- Is there an echo here? - They're for you.

- For me? What am I gonna do with 'em? - Well, we thought you'd like to wear one.

- Morris, you're dead. - I know.

Good morning, Miss Balbricker. You look nice this morning.

Are you losing weight?

- Hot damn! You like to live dangerously. - She wants a piece of your ass.

- Nice pass, captain. - Too bad, Jew-boy.

Tim. What's your problem, man?

Oh, boy, would I like to get next to that.

- Ah, yes. Lassie. - Lassie?

- Patience, my boy, patience. - Why d'you call her Lassie?

- Why do you think? - I don't know.

Are you kiddin'? You callin' her a dog? Fred, that's angel food cake.

You touch her, and the Food and Drug Administration gets you for fuckin' food.

- Well, what can I tell you, hm? - You can tell me why they call her Lassie.

Just get her up in the equipment room - you'll find out.

- What are you talkin' about? - But beware of King Kong.

Wait a minute. Come here, Fred.

- Hi, Miss Walker. - Hi, Pee Wee.

- Tommy, Miss Walker's hot. - Pee Wee, she just said hi to you.

Yeah, but did you see the way she said hi to me?

Right, Pee Wee.

Boy, Miss Balbricker, you put a lotta weight behind that one.

Coach Goodenough, would you kindly keep your balls off my tumbling mat?

- Beg your pardon? - The basketballs. Keep them in your court.

- I have little enough room as it is. - I'll take care of that, Miss Balbricker.

Thank you.

- The girls' tumbling team just went in. - Heck, those broads never take a shower.

- What about the majorettes? - They're still out there.

- Yeah, well, keep lookin'. - Ginny just went in.

Hey! You're not allowed to think about her with her clothes off.

You aren't even allowed to look at her with her clothes on.

Little dip.

Hey, Tim. I was thinkin', maybe we oughta invite Brian tonight.

Why do we gotta invite a Jew?

All we need now is a Communist and a spic and we'd have the whole bit.

You're really the tolerant type, Cavanaugh! I notice you're still includin' yourself.

Broads are broads. I just don't see why we gotta invite a kite.

Brian's a good guy. Why don't you give him a chance?

- He's a jerk, and a Jew jerk at that. - All right. We won't ask him.

You're a case, Cavanaugh.

- They just went in. Miss Walker's with 'em. - I gotta put my shoes on.

You wouldn't know what to do with Miss Walker even if she told ya.

Billy...

Billy.

Let's go. Come on.

Dammit. We missed 'em.

Kong.

- Dammit. I told you we were gonna miss 'em. - That's OK, Pee Wee. We'll get 'em next time.

Miss Walker. A real woman, and I missed her.

You're about to get laid by an exotic dancer. That's a real woman.

Yeah, you're right. I gotta go home and warm up.

Warm up?

- Slow down. It's about a quarter of a mile. - Will they find this place?

- They'll be there. I took Conklin. - I drew Cherry a map.

- Cherry? - Cherry Forever.

- Cherry Forever? - Her professional name.

- Bullshit. - Her professional name.

Hot damn! Let's step on it.

OK. The coast is clear.

Let's go.

"The coast is clear". Do you believe this dialogue?

Hey! Hey! Hold it.

What's goin' on here? Where are they goin'?

- They're goin' first. I'm sloppy second. - I'm second.

Come on, Meat. If you go first, nobody else'll be able to touch the sides.

Jeez.

OK. Cherry's ready.

- Everybody get their clothes off. - What's this bullshit?

- She's gotta make sure you're clean. No VD. - How's she gonna tell by lookin' at us?

She's done this so many times she's practically a doctor.

And who's gonna inspect her?

You guys wanna get laid, or have a debate?

OK, I'm ready.

I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Hey! Come on, boys. No strippin', no dippin'. Come on, let's go.

Watch me go.

- Come on, man. - Relax, will ya, for cryin' out loud?

Wait a minute. How come you guys ain't gettin' undressed?

- We got inspected last week. - Lucky you.

- OK, Cherry. - Come on, make a line. Look sharp.

Gentlemen... Gentlemen.

This is Miss Cherry Forever.

Cherry, this is Steve.

Hi, Steve.

Cough.