Friends

Can't get the monkey off your back?

Then put it in your mouth...

...with Monkeyshine Beer!

Wow.

Monkeyshine Beer.

Because it's a jungle out there!

That commercial always makes me so sad.

Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and girls run at him...

...so everything works out okay.

I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.

I can see that.

Because they both have those big brown eyes and the little pouty chin.

And the fact that they're both monkeys?

I wonder if I did the right thing, giving him away.

Ross, you had to. He was humping everything in sight.

I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie who will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.

Remember when he'd borrow your hat...

...and when you got it back, there'd be little monkey raisins in it?

When he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat...

All of a sudden, I had this big "attitude problem."

Hey. Hey.

- Check it out! Guess what I got? - Rhythm?

No. My first fan mail!

Check it out.

"Dear Dr. Ramoray:

Know that I love you and would do anything to have you."

My gosh! "Your not-so-secret admirer, Erika Ford."

Oh, wait.

"P.S. Enclosed, please find 14 of my eyelashes."

You know, in Crazy World, that means you're married.

It's not addressed to Days Of Our Lives. This came to your apartment.

There's no stamp on it. This woman was in our building.

Oh, my God.

I got my very own stalker!

- Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey. Ooh.

Where are you off to?

There's this paleontology conference in L.A.

So I figured I'd go and drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.

I think he will be surprised. Till he realizes he's a monkey...

...and, uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.

Oh, Phoebe? That really cute guy is here again.

Oh? Oh.

Okay, so everyone, ahem...

...pretend I'm telling you a story and it's really funny.

So everyone just laugh. Now!

I know, I know! Oh.

- Hello. - Hi.

Oh.

I'm Rob Donan.

Hi, Rob Donan.

I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really great.

Oh, wow. Ha, ha.

Anyway, I schedule performers for children's libraries.

And I was thinking, have you thought about playing your songs for kids?

Oh, I would love to have kids...

...hear me play the songs that I will write for them.

What do you wanna do for dinner?

We could stay in and cook for ourselves.

- Hello. It's Erika.

Oh, my God. The stalker!

Never mind. It's open.

Aah! Aah!

Yes, hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea.

We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.

Let's get out of here!

The one time they're not home!

Okay. Okay.

We'll leave. When we pass her...

...she won't know me, because we never met!

That's how radio stars escape stalkers!

She's coming!

It's me. - Aah!

Uh, this is it. This is how we're gonna die.

- You ready? - Wait, wait, wait!

Hi.

Erika!

Mr. Geller? - Yes, hi.

Hi. Dean Lipson, zoo administrator.

I was told you had a question.

I, uh... I can't find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchin...

...answers to the name Marcel?

Ah. I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Marcel has passed on.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Well, he got sick, and then he got sicker...

...and then he got a little better.

But then he died.

I can't believe this!

I'm sorry, Mr. Geller. But you know, there's an old saying:

"Sometimes monkeys die."

It's not a great saying...

...but it certainly is fitting today.

- Someone should've called me. I'm sorry.

Look, I know this can't bring him back...

...but here, it's just a gesture.

Zoo dollars?

Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats.

Well, it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.

Ooh.

I know.

I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker.

What is she like?

- Well, you remember Kathy Bates in Misery? Mm-hm.

Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.

And she's not crazy?

Oh, no, no. She's a total wack job.

Yeah. She thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Ramoray.

Oh, my God!

Oh. And he's going out with her?

He cannot pursue this.

Just because this woman thinks she can see Joey through the magical box...

...in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person.

Does she not deserve happiness? Does she not deserve love?

What are you looking at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.

Are you okay?

No, uh-uh. I'm just nervous.

Maybe if I just picture them all in their underwear...

That's not a good idea. That's the reason the last guy got fired.

Oh.

Yeah.

I'm used to playing for grownups.

Grownups drink their coffee and do their grownup thing, you know.

And kids...

...listen.

It's just a huge responsibility.

What?

Are you gonna kiss me?

I was thinking about it.

Okay.

Yeah, okay. Alrighty. Let's play some tunes!

Hi, everybody. I'm Phoebe.

Hi, Phoebe!

Ha, ha. Okay. Um...

...I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, okay?

[CLEARS THROAT THEN STRUMS GUITAR]

Now Grandma's a person Who everyone likes

She bought you a train And a bright shiny bike

But lately she hasn't Been coming to dinner

And last time you saw her She looked so much thinner

Now your mom and your dad said She moved to Peru

But the truth is she died And someday you will too

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

- Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing? - Yeah, it is.

What?

Well, here we sit, devil-may-care...

...and just a little while ago you were reattaching Simone's spinal cord.

Yeah, that was a tricky one.

In reality...

...that operation takes over 10 hours, but they only showed it for two minutes.

Who's "they"?

No one.

Oh, Drake, you are so talented. Let me see those hands.

- Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands. - Ha, ha.

Ha, ha. Oh, I could just eat them.

- But I won't. Ha, ha.

Good. Otherwise my watch would fall off.

No, seriously.

These hands...

...these miracle, magical, life-giving hands.

Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?

- All right. Ha, ha. Just one. - Ha-ha-ha.

Wow.

You're good at that.

Oh, my God! Someone! He's choking!

Is anyone here a doctor?

Oh, yes.

Yes, the best doctor in Salem!

Dr. Drake Ramoray!

Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.

Uh, hey, look. I don't really enjoy being with other men that way.

But, um, zoo dollars?

It's about your monkey.

It's alive.

I don't understand. Why didn't you help that man?

Uh, because, uh, I'm a neurosurgeon...

...and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh...

..."foodal chokage."

You know.

- I gotta tell you something... - No, no, no.

You don't have to tell me anything.

You don't have to explain yourself to me. Oh!

Who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Ramoray?

- That's... - I should be happy to be near you.

Hey, I...

"Hey" what?

That's it. Just hey!

Like at the end of a dance. Hey!

Hey. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey.

There'll be times when you get older

When you'll want to sleep with people

Just to make them like you But don't

'Cause

That's another thing That you don't wanna do

Everybody!

That's another thing That you don't wanna do

- Excellent! - Very informative!

Not at all inappropriate!