HahaKaar

Everyone's looking here.

Our plan has failed.

The audience knows that I'm standing here.

Coming! Coming!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome onstage,

Gaurav Kapoor!

Thank you so much!

Thank you!

That's awesome! Good job!

Shout louder!

Die! All of you die.

Everyone's friends with each other,

no big deal.

Good job.

Death.

Death.

Finished.

At every comedy show,

this is the thing.

The moment show starts audience is all excited,

5 minutes into the show,

strangers start looking at each other and ask

"Bro, What have you gotten us into?"

"Is something going to happen?"

"Will somebody make us laugh?"

"What is this?"

"We expected Kapil Sharma."

"What have you done?"

But, thank you so much for

coming out guys,

thank you so much.

Can we have a round of applause for you guys first of all?

I love performing,

in these kinds of comedy rooms.

It's a nice, proper, intimate comedy setting,

with a few people around.

50-60 people around.

Audience: "Oho!"

Oh thanks!

And,

I don't understand what these big comedians do.

They book a 1000 seater,

A 2000 seater.

I mean, even I can book it,

but I'd sell

only 50 tickets there too.

And then, in the remaining 950 seats,

I'd see eyes.

My father's eyes.

Saying,

"Yes, you idiot, do you want to go back to your job yet?"

"Are you happy following your passion now?"

"Let's go, dumb ass."

Also, its great to perform in such a room because,

I can at any time write

'Sold Out'.

It doesn't take much effort to write 'Sold Out'.

And I post on Facebook saying,

"I had a sold out show!"

At home in Delhi my family thinks

that I'm killing it here.

They think that

I'm performing at Wankhede,

with a 1000 people in front of me.

So yeah, this keeps going on in my life.

But I'd come to Mumbai 3-4 years ago,

to live out my dreams and whatnot.

But nobody's dreams get fulfilled here,folks.

Because, for the money it takes

to live out your dream in Mumbai,

you could live 4-5 dreams in any other city.

It's all a scam here.

For a middle class guy,

what does it mean to live your dream?

Buying a house?

It is, right?

And,

Mumbai property is damn costly.

I mean, the property rates are complete nonsense.

Property is so expensive in Mumbai that,

if I saved money for all my life,

do you know how big a house I could buy?

This big.

1 square feet.

I wouldn't even be able to take a dump in peace.

To put this foot down here,

it'll take me another lifetime.

Two words that are so misused,

in the Mumbai property market,

that there's no telling,

They are

"just" and "only".

You've seen them, right?

These builders put them anywhere.

This one place, it read

"Andheri East"

"2bhk available in 3 crores only."

And I am like, "Only"

Is that a place to say 'only'?

Use it like this.

"Only 2 bhk available in 3 crores."

Who uses 'only' after 3 crore?

See, there's a place to use only at the end.

Only is used at the end,

after my salary.

"This much has been credited only." "Pauper."

You must remember

that 'only' was used at the end,

after Nayan Mongia's batting.

Remember Nayan Mongia?

3 runs only.

4 runs only.

This one time, Nayan Mongia

made 10 runs,

he took of the helmet,

"This is awesome".

"This is victory!"

The commentator was also at it,

"It's 2 digits guys."

"Today it's 2 digits!"

"It's a historical day in the cricket of India."

This keeps going on.

But Mumbai has a big scam

going on in the property scene.

After 3 crores, you shouldn't be allowed to put a star according me .

There's no "conditions apply" in 3 crore.

No, I'm serious about this.

So, the scam is, here

they sell a house

and a parking spot, separately.

Have you seen this happen?

House and parking, separately.

And I have a Nano.

A car worth 1 lakh,

in a 30 lakh parking.

I paid in cash for the car,

but had to take a loan for the parking.

And, to be very honest,

a Nano doesn't really need a parking spot.

Just put it in the lift and take it up.

Just park it in the house.

Drive it all day,

and use it as a clothes stand at night.

It's on.

And wherever there's an increase in property rates,

anywhere,

like, Mumbai, Delhi, Gurgaon, anywhere.

I feel like the biggest reason behind it is,

the brokers.

You know who these brokers are, right? Agents?

Brokers aren't faithful to anyone.

No, I'm telling you,

we wanted to sell our house in Delhi,

the broker came, insulted my father and left.

Said "Kapoor sir, this is an awful house."

I mean, I've been wanting to say this to Mr. Kapoor for a while now,

but the broker was very upfront,

"Kapoor sir, yuck, this is a terrible house."

"There's always dust coming in from all sides."

"Mr. Kapoor, there's naked children playing in the park."

"There's a drain right under your house Mr. Kapoor."

"There's a dead body floating in that gutter Mr. Kapoor."

Mr. Kapoor lost it,

"Boss what are you saying?"

"There's a dead body?"

Two days later he came back,

with a buyer,

to sell the house to.

And he switched completely.

Because these brokers, right?

They're different people to the sellers,

and different for the buyers.

He turned on us completely,

and said "Sir, look! What a beautiful house."

"There's always sunlight coming in."

"Sir, there's kids playing naturally in the park."

"Natural."

"These are natural children, true to their hearts,"

"look best this way."

"Sir, look, there's a proper drainage system also."

"Look! There's a man doing the backstroke as well."

"He looks so great, right sir?"

No, really, these brokers-

So the other day I was thinking of getting a house,

this broker took me out to see one.

Said "Sir! It's an awesome apartment with a swimming pool view!"

Took me upstairs to show it,

and I could only see the other society's swimming pool.

These brokers are horrible, I'm telling you.

The day before yesterday, I got a text from one,

Said "Sir, this is the,"

"best time to invest in property."

"The whole market is down by 10%,"

"buy a house."

So I figured that '10% down' means that

a house worth 3 crores,

is worth 2 crores 70 lakhs now.

This man thinks my only issue

is not having those 30 lakh rupees.