Kids vs Monsters

DRA-COLA, THE SODA THAT BITES BACK.

MARJORIE, FETCH MY GLASSES FOR ME.

I THINK I LEFT THEM ON THE NIGHTSTAND NEXT TO THE BED.

REPORTS JUST IN THAT UNEMPLOYMENT ACROSS THE GLOBE

HAS MORE THAN QUADRUPLED IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS, WHICH

GIVES YOU ALL MORE TIME TO RELAX AND ENJOY YOUR HOBBIES.

MEANWHILE, SEVERAL GOVERNMENTS TODAY

LAUNCHED AN EXCITING SCHEME AIMED AT HUNGRY,

JOBLESS GRADUATES.

UNDER THIS NEW DIRECTIVE,

MILLIONS OF OVERQUALIFIED

UNEMPLOYED WILL BE GIVEN

THE GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO TRADE

THEIR USELESS DEGREES FOR VERY USEFUL FOOD STAMPS.

ON A MORE IMPORTANT TOPIC,

RICH PEOPLE.

AND WE HAVE SOME FABULOUS, FILTHY-RICH PEOPLE

TO PARADE IN FRONT OF YOU HOPELESS BUMS.

PREPARE TO MEET THE WORLD'S WEALTHIEST KIDS.

FIRST UP, WE HAVE TECH-QUEEN TEEN AVATARA LOVETT.

THIS SOCIAL-MEDIA MOGUL IS THE PRECIOUS ONLY CHILD

OF GREG LOVETT, WHO YOU WILL SIMPLY KNOW

AS THE MAN WHO OWNS THE INTERNET.

O.M.G.!

THIS IS SO BORING!

#SOBORING.

IT MUST BE A WONDERFUL FEELING

TO HAVE SO MANY FANS AND FOLLOWERS.

UM, YEAH, I GUESS.

WHATEVS.

#MOREFOLLOWERSTHANANYOTHERHUMAN

BEINGONTHEPLANET. WTH?

UH, THIS GUY IS WEARING DEFAULT CLOTHES.

LIKE, I CAN'T EVEN. MAD LOLZ AT THIS NOOB.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T QUITE --

DID I STUTTER?

- ISN'T SHE ADORABLE? - HMM.

NEXT UP, WE'VE GOT ONE LARGER-THAN-LIFE CHARACTER,

BOBBY FITMOORE,

SON OF MAXIFIT'S LEADING LADY, MAXINE FITMOORE.

NOT ONLY IS THIS KID MASSIVELY WEALTHY,

BUT HE'S MASSIVELY...MASSIVE.

HE SURELY IS, MARY.

HE SURELY IS.

NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT THIS LOVABLE CHUBSTER HAS TO SAY.

YEAH, YOU KNOW,

THE BEST PART ABOUT BEING FILTHY-RICH

IS ALL THIS RIGHT HERE.

I MEAN,

WHAT'D YOU DO TODAY?

YOU GOT UP. YOU PUT ON SOME MAKEUP.

YOU GOT THE CAMERA CREW TOGETHER.

I ATE.

I WOKE UP TO MY ALARM, SITTING ON MY ALARM, DOUGHNUT.

EAT RIGHT AWAY. YOU GOT TO GET

THE BLOOD FLOWING. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I THINK IT ALL GOES BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD.

THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME -- I'M SORRY.

THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR ME.

I WAS 7,

AND MY MOM LEFT THE HOUSE FOR 30 MINUTES,

AND THERE WAS NO FOOD IN THE FRIDGE OR IN THE CUPBOARD

EXCEPT SALAD!

SO I, UM --

I TURNED TO, UH, OUR GOLDEN RETRIEVER, EMMANUEL.

I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.

IT MUST BE DIFFICULT, THOUGH,

TO BELONG TO A FAMILY RENOWN FOR FITNESS.

I MEAN, YEAH, IT'S KIND OF TOUGH,

BUT -- BUT I THINK I EAT A PRETTY BALANCED DIET.

I MEAN, I EAT 50% SAVORY SNACKS AND 50% SWEETS, SO, YOU KNOW,

YOU DO THE MATH, HONEY BUNS. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

ISN'T THAT INCREDIBLE, BARRY?

NOW, WHO HAVE WE GOT NEXT?

THIS YOUNG LADY IS A ROLE MODEL TO GIRLS EVERYWHERE.

- HMM. - PREPARE TO FALL IN LOVE

WITH WELL-TO-DO TEEN CANDY CHANCE.

UM, CURRENTLY, I HOLD 376 TITLES,

INCLUDING 51 STATE TITLES,

MISS NICARAGUA, MISS NATURAL BEAUTY, MISS PLASTIC

SURGERY, AND MR. UNIVERSE.

ISN'T THAT FOR MALE BODYBUILDERS?

I'M A WINNER. WINNING IS WHAT I DO.

AND AREN'T THERE ONLY 50 STATES?

HOW DID YOU -- YOU KNOW,

INSTEAD OF ASKING ME ALL THESE STUPID QUESTIONS,

YOU SHOULD REALLY BE ASKING YOURSELF IF THAT'S THE

CORRECT NOSE FOR YOUR FACE.

I'LL LEAVE YOU DADDY'S CARD.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT A DOLL.

I THINK WE CAN ALL LEARN SOMETHING

FROM THIS YOUNG WOMAN'S COMPETITIVE SPIRIT.

THAT'S RIGHT, BARRY.

IF YOU'RE NOT A WINNER, YOU'RE A LOSER.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO LOSERS?

THEY'RE BULLIED.

AND THERE'S NO BETTER BULLY THAN THIS LITTLE RED-HAIRED RASCAL.

HE'S NONE OTHER THAN OLIVER GINGERFIELD,

SON OF THE WORLD'S ONLY GLOBAL POLITICIAN,

THE SO-CALLED COPPER LADY,

FRANCINE

GINGERFIELD.

WHAT? SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT?

UM, I MISSED THE -- I MISSED THE QUESTION.

HEY,

THAT'S A REALLY NICE CAMERA.

CAN I HAVE A LOOK AT IT?

- CAN I SEE IT? - WE NEED THIS FOR WORK.

OH, I'M SORRY. YOU NEED IT FOR WHAT?

WORK?

WORK?!

OH, MAN, THAT'S HILARIOUS.

WORK?!

HE NEEDS IT FOR WORK, EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I BET THIS GUY

PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN LIKE HIS JOB, GETS PAID MINIMUM WAGE.

WORK?! THAT'S HILARIOUS!

AH, WHAT A CHEEKY CHAPPIE.

DON'T YOU JUST WANT TO RUFFLE HIS SPIKY, RED HAIR?

ADORABLE.

LIKE A FEISTY, LITTLE FOX.

NOW ON TO OUR PENULTIMATE POSH PROGENY,

MS. MOLLY SEALSKIN, ADOPTEE OF ENDANGERED-ANIMAL FUR TYCOON

CECILIA SEALSKIN.

SHE'S IN DANGER?

NO! THE ANIMALS THAT SHE GETS THE FURS FROM.

- OH! - ENDANGERED...

THANK GOODNESS.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THEN.

YOU HAD ME WORRIED THERE FOR A SECOND, BARRY.

- HMM. - SO,

YOU MUST FEEL VERY LUCKY TO BE SURROUNDED BY SUCH BEAUTIFUL

AND EXOTIC FASHIONS.

MS. SEALSKIN?

ALL SET FOR HALLOWEEN WITH MONTHS TO SPARE.

ISN'T SHE SOMETHING?

OH, SOMETHING INDEED, MARY.

NOW WE'VE GOT TIME FOR ONE MORE BR--

BRIGHT, YOUNG HEIR.

MEET DAVID KNIGHT, THE WORLD'S LITTLEST HUMANITARIAN AND SON

OF MULTIBILLIONAIRE, INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS

BARON DAMIAN KNIGHT.

DAVID, TELL US WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ONE

OF THE WORLD'S RICHEST KIDS.

YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT, RIGHT?

UM, WELL, YEAH.

I MEAN, I-I SUPPOSE SO.

BUT, I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY NEED A LOT OF THINGS.

I-I JUST LIKE TO HELP PEOPLE.

OKAY.

YOU DON'T WANT THE LATEST COMPUTER, THE COOLEST CLOTHES?

UH, I MEAN, NAH.

I-I REALLY HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED.

UH, I'M REALLY LUCKY IN THAT SENSE.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF KIDS IN THE WORLD

THAT AREN'T AS LUCKY AS I AM.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE -- THEY'RE POOR.

THEY DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING THEY NEED.

UM, ACTUALLY, UH, WHILE YOU'RE HERE, I'D LOVE TO DISCUSS --

WASN'T THAT A TREAT? MM!

I JUST LOVE RICH PEOPLE. DON'T YOU, BARRY?

OH, YOU BETCHA.

NOW, WHO DO YOU THINK OUR VIEWERS WILL LOVE THE MOST?

OH, GEE WHIZ.

THAT'S A TOUGH ONE, BARRY.

THEY'RE ALL SO LOVABLE.

I KNOW, RIGHT? SO HOW ABOUT YOU TELL US

WHO YOUR FAVORITE FILTHY-RICH KID IS?

JUST GO TO OUR WEBSITE AND VOTE YOUR LITTLE HEARTS OUT.

ONE LUCKY VIEWER WILL WIN A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF DRA-COLA,

THE SODA THAT BITES BACK.

AND SPEAKING OF VAMPIRES, LATER IN THE SHOW,

WE'LL BE REPORTING ON RECENT REVELATIONS

MADE BY THE BUREAU OF

CRYPTOZOOLOGY THAT REPORTS OF MONSTERS BEING IN THE WORLD

ARE REAL.

OOH!

MORE ON THAT TERRIFYING TOPIC RIGHT AFTER THE BREAK.

AND WE'RE AT BREAK.

- BACK IN 30 SECONDS. - PHEW!

MONSTERS MY HAIRY AUNT!

LOOK, I'M A SERIOUS JOURNALIST.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

SO DO US ALL A FAVOR AND QUIT.

OH, BITE ME.

EAT MY BOOGERS, BARRY.

OH, YOU'RE COOKING AGAIN?

5, 4, 3, 2...

ACCORDING TO A STUDY

UNDERTAKEN BY LEADING SCIENTISTS...

BARRY, IS YOUR DANDRUFF FLARING UP AGAIN?

SHUT UP!

OH, DEAR.

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

WHAT A WASTE.

- SUCH A TRAGEDY. - I KNOW.

THEY WERE BOTH SO ATTRACTIVE...AND WELL-GROOMED.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT LOUSY PUFF PIECE