Mr. & Mrs. Smith

- Okay. I'll go first. - Okay.

Let me say, we don't really need to be here.

See, we've been married five years.

- Six. - Five, six years.

And this is like a checkup for us.

Um, a chance to poke around the engine...

maybe change the oil, replace a seal or two.

Yeah.

Very well then. Let's pop the hood.

On a scale of one to 10, how happy are you as a couple?

- Eight. - Wait.

Ten being perfectly happy and one being totally miserable?

- Or... - Just respond instinctively.

Okay.

- Ready? - Ready.

- Eight. - Eight.

How often do you have sex?

I don't understand the question.

Yeah, I'm lost. Is this a one-to-10 thing?

Like, is one very little, or is one nothing?

Because, you know, tech-technically speaking...

the zero would be nothing.

That's right. And if we don't know what one is... What's 10?

Yeah, 'cause 10... Oh, God.

- Constant. - Unrelenting.

- N-Not stopping for, like... I mean, just... - Nothing to eat.

Like Sting.

Well, look at Sting's day job. Who else has 60 hours a week to put in the sack?

It's not a one-to-10 scenario. It's a basic question. How often do you have sex?

How about this week?

- Including the weekend? - Sure.

Describe how you first met.

It was... It was in Colombia.

Bogotá.

- Five years ago. - Six.

Right. Five or six years ago.

Hey. ¿Qué pasa?

No.

No, no, no, no. Está bien.

She's with me. Está bien.

I'm Jane.

John.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet ya.

- To dodging bullets. - To dodging bullets.

So, it speaks.

But does it dance?

Hiya, stranger.

Hiya back.

I think room service fled. I did what I could.

Thank you.

Oh, that's good.

I hope so. I had to milk a goat to get it.

Hey! Step right up!

Ladies and gentlemen, try your Lu...

How about you, little lady? Wanna try your luck?

Win a prize.

Yeah. All right.

- Two. - We got two over here.

- Do you know how to hold it? - Step right up! Five shots. Five dollars.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- You gotta aim. - I am.

Don't laugh. I'll kill you.

You didn't blink.

Would you like to win a stuffed animal for your little girl?

Come on.

Everybody's a winner.

Do we still get somethin'?

Beginner's luck.

- I wanna go again. - We're goin' again.

Everybody's a winner. Win a prize. Win a prize.

Where'd you learn to shoot like that?

Beginner's luck.

Stop. Stop. You've only known the girl for six weeks.

I'm in love. She's smart, sexy.

She's uninhibited, spontaneous, complicated.

She's the sweetest thing I've ever seen!

I knew Gladys for two and a half years before I asked her to marry me.

You have to have a foundation of friendship, brother. The other stuff fades.

Hi.

So, you don't think this is all happening a little fast?

You know me. I never do anything without thinking it through.

What does he do?

He's in construction. He's a big-time contractor.

A server goes down on Wall Street...

she's there anytime, day or night.

She's like Batman for computers.

He's gone as much as I am, so... it's perfect.

I give the whole thing six months tops.

Eddie, I asked her to marry me.

What?

- I'm getting married. - What? I can't hear ya.

- I'm getting married. - I can't hear him.

Can you stop hittin' him? I think he said somethin' crazy.

I'm getting married!

Gotta get these filters changed.

What did you think of Dr. Wexler?

- His questions were a bit wishy-washy. - Yeah. Sorry.

- Not the most insightful. - No.

His office is clear across town.

You know that 4: 00 means we hit rush hour. I'm not crazy about that.

- So, that's settled then, yeah? - Okay.

Okay.

- Dinner's at 7: 00. - Yep. I'll be there... here.

- Hi, babe. - Perfect timing.

It's pissin' rain out there.

Here's your butter. I bring you butter.

- How was work? - Eh, so-so.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Oh, I stopped off for a drink with Eddie.

- This is salted. - What?

It's salted.

Is there any other kind?

Unsalted.

Like I asked for.

It's fine. I'll make it work.

- Okay. - Oh, I got new curtains.

Well? What do you think?

- Huh. - There was a struggle over the material.

This little tea sandwich of a man...

- He got his hands on them first, but I won. - Of course you did.

They're a bit green. I think we're gonna have to reupholster the sofas...

and definitely get a new rug, maybe a Persian.

Or we can keep the old ones. Then we don't have to change a thing.

We talked about this. You remember?

I remember. I remember 'cause we said we'd wait.

If you don't like 'em, we can take 'em back.

Okay. I don't like 'em.

You'll get used to 'em.

- I like 'em. - Yeah.

Huh. Zero percent A. P. R. Till March.

So, part two. Here we are.

Only this time, you came back alone. Why did you come back?

I'm not sure really.

Let me clarify. I love my wife.

Um, I want her to be happy.

I want good things for her.

But there are times...

- Honey, would you just... - Five more minutes.

So what's the problem?

There's this huge space between us...

and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other.

- What is that called? - Marriage.

What don't you say to each other?

The GMC Yukon got three stars.

This looks nice. Did you do something new?

Yeah?

I added peas.

Yeah, peas.

Yeah, it's the green.

Sweetheart, will you pass the salt?

It's in the middle of the table.

Oh, is that the middle of the table?

Yeah. It's between you and me.

Okay.

- How honest are you with him? - Pretty honest.

I mean, it's not like I lie to him... or anything.

We just... have little secrets.

Everybody has secrets, you know.

Shit. Sorry, hon.

- I'll get it. - No, I got it. I got it. Don't move.

Oh, that's me.

Jesus!

- Honey, you scared me. - I'm sorry, hon.

I was lookin' for the... You goin' out?

Yeah. Some clown crashed a server in a law firm downtown...

and ended the world as they know it, so, yes.

We promised the Colemans.

- I know. - Okay.

I'll be there. In and out.

Just a quickie.

It probably feels like you're the only people going through this.

But I'll tell you something. There are millions of couples...

that are experiencing the same problems.

- We got a plane in an hour. - All right.

Quotes. 800.

Prodded about possible insider trading...

she remarked on national television...

"I want to focus on my salad."

- Brian. - Martha Stewart.

Forty.

I'll match your... What the hell? What's this shite?

Sorry. Where's the can around here?

- For Chrissakes. - Take a...

- Hey, you guys playin' poker? - Private game. Piss off.

Hey, could I sit in? You think I can sit in?

What part of "piss off" do you not understand?

Guys. Hey. Be a little friendly.

I got the cash. I got the ca...

Dude, I'm just showing you my bankroll, man.

I got the money.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

Poker... Don't even know her.

So if you want me to sit in, I'll sit in.

And I'll play some cards with youse. If you don't, I won't.

I just... Fine with me, I'll go.

- Jesus. - Here's an empty chair. I could sit right here.

That is Lucky's chair.

Wh-Where's Lucky? I don't see Lucky.

- Lucky's not back yet. - Then I'll sit here.

Unless... I'm too hot for ya.