Ugly Americans

- Congratulations, detective brock.

The answers to all your questions

From the last six years lays behind that door.

- I've exhausted every plausible theory.

I can't imagine a satisfying ending

To this twisty adventure.

- Sometimes the road to discovery

Can lead down confusing paths.

Wow, what a weird dream.

I can't wait to tell god about it.

- Wow. - Oh!

- Ah, it was all an angel's dream.

Uh, what a way to tie up the series.

- Agreed. Genius.

You know, I thought

They'd written themselves into a corner,

But cuse and lindelof have done it again.

They get me every time, those two.

Grimes, you're awfully quiet.

What did you think of the ending?

- an angel's dream?

You can't end a series after six goddamn seasons

With an angel's dream!

- Hey, that's-- - ah!

- As god is my witness, someone's gonna pay for this!

I don't feel well.

- Ow! No hotter than usual.

- Well, then there's something wrong with your hand.

- You're just feeling upset that your father

Is pressuring you to take over his job.

- I'll pretend I have laryngitis.

Then maybe daddy will pick someone else.

- At least you have a father to disappoint.

I haven't seen my dad since my fifth birthday.

What happened to him?

- Mom says he's still stuck in traffic,

But something about that doesn't seem right to me.

You know, I drew this when I was five.

That's how I'll always remember us.

Oh, my god, dude.

While I was touching my penis just now,

You were touching my heart.

I've filmed you guys having sex hundreds of times,

And I made a pretty good living off it.

But now I'm boxed in as a porno director,

And hollywood won't touch me.

If I could document your quest to find your father,

I might just be able to revive my career.

I'll try if you will.

- You know, I am really gonna need all that sex footage back.

- Okay, well, that, I'm afraid, you have to take up

With hardcore muff productions, because that's not even a thing

That I, you know, control.

- So that's how I, as your next chief operating officer

Of demonic affairs, will use spam--

- Aldermack, we know you want your daughter to replace you,

But can you at least pretend to pay attention

To the other candidates?

- Hey, I have a high score going.

- And I'm not talking about, uh, the canned meat.

I'm talking about annoying emails.

- He totally butchered that. - No, no.

He was great. Ooh.

- Okay, cathy. Who's up next?

Callie maggotbone.

- I'm sorry, but I have laryngitis,

So I didn't have time to prepare anything.

- So it's lucky she made this video presentation beforehand.

- When you hear the name callie maggotbone,

You think of two things:

Boobs and evil.

- Well, I know who gets my vote.

Round one goes to callie, right, gentlemen?

- Mm. - Oh, yeah.

Ugh. Thanks a lot, twayne.

- I'm gonna be the best damned wife

A ceo of hell's ever had, callie.

I don't want the position.

- This job only comes around once every 35 years,

And I'm not gonna let you blow it for me--

I mean us.

Whoa.

- My bacon-wrapped figs! You oaf!

Sorry about that.

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

Grimes has been busting people

Who liked the ending of his favorite tv show.

Here's his dossier.

Read it and fix him!

But not before you close your eyes

And taste this stuffed mushroom.

- Great mouth feel. Uh, needs a little pepper.

- You picked a great day for a ride-along, lilly.

Sun's shining and plenty of crime on the streets.

Please let me go.

I'll take back my glowing review

Of dishonorable discharge.

- Shut up, washington post's esteemed tv critic tom shales.

Grimes, you've been suspended.

We definitely should not be in a d.O.I. Car.

- Mark, you need to shift the conversation

Back to your father.

Remember what we talked about in bed?

- There is a deep well of feelings and memories

About my father, randall, but right now,

We are here to help grimes.

You want to help?

Flip on that siren for me, jimmy.

Did you just call me jimmy?

- It's fine. We'll fix it in post.

Keep going. - I don't hear siren, jimmy.

- Well, I didn't realize a civilian was allowed

To touch the equipment like that, but, uh...

oh, my god.

Grimes is having some sort of psychological episode.

Do something, tom shales.

Another clean collar, sarge.

Real clean, kid.

First day on the force,

And you just busted your new partner.

Good work, rookie.

You just ruined a seven-month sting.

- But why would a cop dress like a pimp?

- Jimmy's a master of disguise.

You two are gonna work undercover.

- Rookies. - Can't live with 'em.

Can't shoot 'em in the leg.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

I never heard that one.

ow!

- I'm gonna feel that in the morning.

Stupid rookies.

Where am I?

- What the hell are you doing here, grimes?

You know damn well that court order

Forbids you from being within two blocks of the station.

- It's okay. I'm his therapist.

This is part of his healing process.

I can speak to this from personal experience,

Having gone through a very damaging crisis myself,

Growing up without a father.

- Okay, hey, mark, uh, I think we're--

I think we're good on the dad thing.

You know what?

We're probably just gonna take it

In a little bit of a different direction

And go with the psycho cop angle.

So just find your moments, or I will cut around you.

Wait, grimes.

I didn't know you used to be a real cop.

Me neither.

I always wondered what I was doing in the '70s.

I've repressed everything between 1975 and '79.

- Says here you were dishonorably discharged?

You bastard!

You think I've forgotten about your series finale

Taking a hot dump all over my expectations?

- I'm sensing a connection here.

Tight on me. I'm gonna try something.

Hey, francis. Hi, buddy.

Hey, you know what I find myself wondering?

I'm wondering, "how would lieutenant grimes

Have written that final episode of dishonorable discharge"?

- Well, I'd lose the angel, for starters.

Or at least she'd go back to sleep and continue dreaming

Until she reached an acceptable ending to the goddamn show.

Tell me we got that.

- I can't believe I thought you were leading man material,

Because you have the personality of particleboard.

- Well, kitten, the competition to replace me

Enters its second phase tomorrow.

What's your strategy for the all-important death-cathalon?

- Daddy, has it ever occurred to you

That I don't want to replace you?

- Of course it has. I just don't give a .

I'm not going to choose someone "based on merit"

Like donald trump on the apprentice.

I'm going to hire my unqualified daughter

Like donald trump in real life.

Hmm.

Pretty good, huh?

Did you like the gypsy transvestite character, mark?

She's based on you.

No, I did not.

How about we talk about your ending?

What about it?

You didn't write one.

- I did, and it's pretty damn great.

The last pages are sealed in an aluminum tube

That I shoved up my ass.

If you'll give me a modicum of privacy

And 90 seconds here--

- Okay, well, let's--let's leave that ending for now.

If it's all right with you, I'd like to try something.

Ta-da. I bet this takes you back, huh?

- Nothing about this feels remotely familiar, jimmy.

Cool car, though.

- He continues to use his partner's name

Even though he was referring to me.