Mom

Previously on Mom...

Oh!

- Oh. - Uh, too rough?

No. This would be too rough.

Ow!

Best date I ever had.

I need to break up with him.

I have one more daffodil hidden somewhere on my body.

Care to lead the search party?

Rudy, we need to talk.

No... !

_

Look at us.

What?

Look at us.

Who's better than us?

Uh...

I mean, missionaries, I guess.

I don't know, I don't know. Where are you going with this?

We are so mentally healthy.

We are so dogged in our pursuit of better-ness.

I feel like I'm getting set up for a favor.

Do you need your feet pumiced again?

I just mean, here I am, dropping you off

at your Al-Anon meeting, en route to my AA meeting.

So again I say, who's better than us?

People who don't need those meetings in the first place?

But who else?

No one.

- There you go. - Ah.

So... do you talk about me?

Well, it is an Al-Anon meeting, and you're my Al.

So, uh, yeah, yeah, you come up.

And do you speak well of me?

Yes, Bonnie, I'm the only person in there

whose alcoholic is perfect.

- Okay, but I'm not the worst. - No, no.

Was that a genuine "no" or a sarcastic "no"?

It's whatever you want it to be.

Again...

who's better than us.

Who's that?

That's Sam, my sponsor.

Your sponsor wears suspenders?

No wonder his wife drinks.

No, that's Carl.

Sam's standing next to him, smoking.

- That's Sam? - Yeah.

The same Sam you've been talking about for three months?

Yeah. Yeah.

So the "antha" is silent.

Any chance we could all be?

Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -

Found him!

What are you doing in here for 20 minutes?

We're backed up.

Waiters are cooking their own orders.

I came in for an onion but got lost in my memories.

Oh, I don't need to hear it.

This is where Tammy and I shared our first kiss.

And our last kiss.

- Oh, God. - Does she ever talk about me at all?

How about we talk and cook?

- Talk and cook! - No, no, no.

Could you text her for me?

Huh? Tell her I'm miserable without her.

No, that sounds weak. Tell her I'm in play.

No, just tell her I'm fine with whatever she wants.

No big whoop either way.

"Rudy says hi."

Ah, subtle. Well played. Shocking you're a spinster.

Did she text back yet?

- No. - Oh.

- How about now? - No!

- Oh. Now? - You would hear it!

Well, I thought maybe it happened when I was saying, "Now?"

Ooh, bingo.

Mm. Some ass named Roscoe said he got an "A" in English.

Oh, give me that!

How was your meeting?

Good. Yours?

Good. Good.

Did you share?

- I did. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And did you talk about Sam having a vagina?

No, but I did talk about how this ride was gonna go,

and so far, I was right on the money.

Oh, is it not going well for you? 'Cause I'm fine.

Oh, come on, Bonnie. So what if Sam's a woman?

I just find it curious you never told me.

I didn't even think about it at first,

and then the longer I didn't tell you,

the weirder I felt about saying something.

You know,

I missed my window.

Like the guy at the deli, who still gets my name wrong.

I should've corrected him the second time, but I didn't.

So now I'm forever "Beef Baloney Dan."

Who's better than us?

You listen to me, Mr. Adam Janikowski.

You cannot just sit there and pretend

this is not a big deal!

No, no, I'm talking!

You obviously kept her a secret

because you have feelings for her.

Oh, that is such a lie!

Oh, nice try, nice try. We're not changing the subject.

Oh, and of course she smokes.

"Who's hotter than me? Me, who smokes."

Are we gonna start smoking again?

Well, I should, because apparently it turns Adam on.

So it's yes? 'Cause the off-brand gas station

is still open, and they're 50 cents a pack cheaper there.

Give me eight bucks, I can make this happen.

We're not smoking. I'm just pissed at Adam,

who's sleeping like he doesn't have a problem in the world.

Well, you do, buddy! You got a big, fat problem!

Oh, I get it.

You're in a whisper fight.

I used to do that with you all the time.

Deal me in.

His Al-Anon sponsor is a woman.

Sam?

"antha."

Like in, "Meanwhile, across town,

Samantha was flat on her back in the Flatiron District."

Oh.

I so miss Sex and the City.

And sex.

I'm gonna miss sex with Adam when he leaves me for Samantha.

I'll still have sex, but I'll miss Adam.

Sorry, I just don't see what's so bad.

My G.A. sponsor is a guy.

Yeah, uh, I've seen him. Least sexy guy on the planet.

I'm up against Angie frickin' Dickinson.

- Who's that? - Oh, for God's sake!

Just go to bed.

So... it's definitely a no on the smoking?

Look, if I'm divorced by the weekend, we can smoke.

I like my chances.

I might buy a lighter.

What are you doing?

Chef Rudy asked me to take pictures of you.

I get bonus points if your mouth is open.

That is super creepy.

Why'd you say yes?

I actually feel sorry for the guy.

He talks about you. He cries about you.

He yells your name when he's pounding the veal.

Ew!

No, literally, we serve a lot of veal.

Then my plan is working.

What plan?

Love is a game, Christy, and I'm great at it.

I thought you didn't want to have a relationship with Chef Rudy.

I thought I didn't either,

and then, last Tuesday night around 10:00, I did.

So I butt-dialed him with my fingers

and made sounds like I was taking a bubble bath.

Wait, hang on. What would that sound like?

Mm.

Oh!

You couldn't do that with your own glass?

I don't get playing games.

When I like a guy, I just tell him.

Oh!

What? Men appreciate honesty.

Oh!

For God's sake, Christy, you don't give away the mystery.

I was a stripper.

I've been giving away the mystery since I was 18.

Even I played a little hard-to-get with Victor.

Took him a while to tug down those sweatpants, huh?

Oh, don't look now, but your plans just walked in

and is acting surprised to see us.

You know who isn't surprised: the puppet master.

Tammy! Ah, is that you?

Tammy, what a strange coincidence.

Ah, to think that I would run into you here,

at the, uh... Burgundy Bistro.

Yes, I've been meaning to try their, uh... oh...

three-bean chili.

- Chili, coming up. - Ooh. Right.

Well, I hope you don't mind if I sit at this table

adjacent to your own.

So, anyway, I've got dates with both Ricardo

and Brad tonight.

I mean, I love Ricardo's fire,

but Brad does manage a LensCrafters.

- Oh, what to do? - Mm.

Not sure, but first I'm off to wax Downtown Disney,

'cause someone's getting in my tea cup tonight.

Here's your chili.

Good Lord, has someone already eaten this?

Are you primping?

Is there someone here worth primping for?

Owen.

Hit bottom last year on vodka and Mountain Dew.

Ah, he is cute. How you gonna blow it?

I am not gonna blow it.