Joey

Hang on, Lizzy!

I can't walk! It's too hard!

Then I'll carry you off this mountain.

I'll carry you for as long as it takes to get you home.

Cut!

Man, how heavy is that kid? What, does she got weights in her pockets?!

Yeah, we'll finish this after lunch, people.

Okay. Have a nice lunch.

Maybe just a salad.

Hey, Joey.

Bobbie, hey.

Hey, everyone, this is my agent Bobbie.

Hello, everyone.

I just watched your last scene.

Wow! You're all so lucky to have work.

So, what do you think? You excited to do it?

What are you talking about?

Did I not tell you?

I'm a little off.

I was at the gate looking through my purse for my wallet,

and I accidentally tasered myself.

Oh, yeah. So, what's the news?

Well, The Tonight Show had a cancellation for tomorrow,

and they called to ask me if I had anyone who could fill in.

I suggested you, and they said yes!

You're kidding!

I'm as stunned as you are!

I'm going to be on The Tonight Show?

- Yes! - Oh, my God!

This is unbelievable!

This is, like, one of those moments I've dreamed of my whole life.

The only thing bigger than this would be-

I don't know- like, making my Oscar speech.

Oscar?

Did you get tasered, too?

It's 4:00 in the morning. Shouldn't you be in bed? Tomorrow's your big day.

Can't sleep. I'm too nervous.

Don't bother. I ate it.

You don't feel like watching it again, do you?

Sure.

Tune in tomorrow night. My guests will be Colin Farrell,

Deep Powder's Joey Tribbiani and musical guest Maroon 5.

It's a good show.

Didn't he sound kind of excited when he said my name?

I'll bet you he can't sleep, either.

I still can't believe it.

Tomorrow night, I am going to be sitting on that couch.

Is it lame that I'm this nervous?

No. No, this is huge.

But, Joey, you're going to be great.

Well, thanks. Yeah. It's just when I was a kid,

I used to dream about being on The Tonight Show, you know?

Johnny Carson would introduce me,

and I'd come out, and he'd say, "How you doing, Joey?" And I'd say, "Just great, Johnny. "

And now that day is finally here, and I'm...

I'm so scared, 'cause...

'Cause you're afraid you're going to say Johnny's name instead of Jay's?

It could so happen.

I spoke to Mom.

Everyone's so excited.

They're all going to watch you over at Mary Angela's

except for Mary Teresa, who has to be home to watch Nightline.

That bitch with her current events.

People in the building are excited, too.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, it's a solid two hours they know you won't be in the hot tub.

Got your suit.

Oh, great. Thanks.

Did you know that there was a woman's number in the pocket?

Oh, my God.

To find a number I thought I'd lost forever.

It's like the beginning of a great romantic movie.

Oh, her? No.

So, do you have your stories prepared yet?

Oh, well, yeah, I got a few choices.

Hey, tell me what you guys think.

Um, it's a couple years ago at Halloween, and I'm going as the Grinch.

- Cute. - Love it.

So I meet this girl at a party,

and because I'm a little drunk and she's wearing a Catwoman mask,

I just assume that she's pretty.

- Stop. - Ew.

Wait a minute, I didn't even get to the funny part yet.

So it turns out she was only 17...

Uh, maybe a different story.

Um... oh, okay, well, I know a joke.

This old French whore walks into a bar...

Yeah, I don't think she does.

No, no, no. Not on The Tonight Show.

Joey, you got to have something other than dirty jokes and sex stories.

Oh, like a heartwarming family story?

Exactly.

Okay. Oh, here's something.

Uh, one of my sisters breast-fed her kid until he was seven.

So, what happened to this French whore?

Jay, Jay... Jay...

Hi, Jay. I'm Joey. Johnny. Oh!

Oh, you had it.

Well, I think that's as close as I'm going to get.

I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do when I'm there.

- Should I break-dance? - No.

- Bird calls? - No.

- An impersonation of Jay? - Really, definitely no.

Seriously, Michael, could you drive any slower?

There's a lot of traffic.

Well, I can't be late. I go on in an hour.

There should be a Tonight Show lane!

Hey, that guy in the red truck just cut you off!

Pull up next to him and give him the finger.

- No! - Why not?

Because it's stupid.

You know, I don't insult the things that you do.

Now, come on, flip him off.

Mom, no. I've never given anyone the finger in my life.

Never?

That's the Tribbiani handshake.

Look, you're never going to see him again. Just do it.

- What are you, scared? - No, I...

Are you a baby? Are you a big baby?

You are the best mom ever.

Michael, just do it. Otherwise, she's never going to leave you alone.

Okay, okay.

There, you happy now?

- How'd it feel? - Pretty good.

Can you believe this?

Michael gave a guy the finger,

and you're going to be on The Tonight Show.

Let us remember this day.

We're slowing down.

What's the big deal?

Well, you said I'd never see this guy again.

Now we're stopping right next to each other.

Oh, great, we can take it to the next level: swearing. Gina?

Hmm... Oh, I know.

No, Mom, no, no, no.

Just... we're not moving.

Is he still right next to me?

Pretty much.

Oh, my God.

The guy's staring at me.

Well, sure, Michael. You gave him the finger.

Hey, look up ahead. People are getting out of their cars.

Why are they getting out of their cars?

Oh, my God... I can't be late.

I'll find out what's going on.

I'm good with people.

Hey! What the hell?!

Hello?

Joey? Oh! I'm so glad I caught you.

There is a major traffic jam on the freeway.

Do not take the 101.

I'm already on the 101.

Oh, you actors never listen!

Well, just get your ass over here.

You are not going to believe it.

What?

I just met the hottest guy!

Oh, dirty hair, great arms, drives an El Camino...

Gina, what about the traffic?

Oh... well, a truck jack-knifed, flipped over, spilled stuff everywhere.

The driver's okay, but I bet he is so fired.

Well, so what does this mean?

Well, they closed all five lanes till they could clean it up.

It's going to be about an hour.

An hour?!

I can't wait that long.

All right, I'm going to have to run for it.

- How far away are we? - Like, nine miles.

Okay, nine miles in 45 minutes.

Can I do that?

Are you a Kenyan man with a number on your back?

I don't know what that means.

All right, I'm going to give it a shot.

Aggravated an old injury.

- What, football? - No, no, threesome.

All right. I'm never going to make it there on foot.

Oh, I'm going to call Bobbie and see what my options are.

Oh... Hello?

Bobbie, is that you?

I just tasered myself again.

I think, on some level, I may be doing it on purpose.

Look, I need you to find out what The Tonight Show does if someone's late.

Oh, I am so on it. Hold on.

Mom, what are you doing?

I want a picture of you and the first guy you ever gave the finger to.

I'd tell him to smile, but I don't think that's happening.

Huh?

What?

His license plate says: "JUDOMAN."

Ah, he's not that big. He can't be JUDOMAN.

That's JUDOMAN.

-Joey. -Yeah.

I talked to the producers, and it turns out if you're late,

they give away your spot, and you're banned from the show for life.

That's terrible!

Isn't there anything else you can do?

Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to crawl there?!

Okay, I have to get there now.

Otherwise, I'm never going to be on The Tonight Show.

I got 40 minutes. All right, let's brainstorm.