The Cool Kids

I'm on a roll!

This book is gonna be sick.

Stephen King, watch your back.

I cannot believe that you really wrote a book, Hank.

I've never even seen you read a book.

See, this book is like my baby,

'cause it's been gestating in my brain uterus

for, like, ten years.

So, now I'm ready

to squeeze it out and present it to the world.

I call it...

- Shade by Hank Henderson. - Oh.

Ooh. Shade.

I once tried to write a book.

That's the end of the story. I, uh...

I once tried to write a book, and I stopped.

It's really hard.

That was the best blind date I've ever been on,

and I've been on three of 'em.

I'm, uh... I'm gonna head out.

Uh, hey. Uh...

what do you think about grabbing a drink later?

I mean, not that I would drink myself, no.

If I have a little bit of alcohol, oh, look out.

- I have the worst gas. - Yeah, yeah.

You mentioned that... how your large intestine is too small,

- and your small intestine... - Small intestine too large.

Oh, look at us.

We're already finishing each other's...

So, I'm gonna go.

I'll, uh... I'll see you later, Leonard.

- I'll hold you to that. - Ah.

Oh, heck, I just want to hold you.

Oh!

What the hell, Charlie?!

Why'd you set me up with that guy?

All he did was talk about gas.

Well, gas pricing is a fascinating mix of geo...

His gas, Charlie.

Butt gas.

On a date! It's not exactly

- the kind of guy I usually go for. - Oh, no. You're right.

He's a lot better than the guys you usually go for.

What?

You go for losers, Margaret.

Huge losers.

She does.

That food snob Murray was a sociopath,

that colonel picked you up at his wife's funeral,

- and that Karl was the Zodiac Killer. - Yeah.

So that's, uh,

loser, loser...

murderer/loser.

Okay, but those guys were...

I mean, there was also...

Ugh.

Well, it's not like...

Oh, my God, I only date losers.

Does this mean that I've become a loser?

That doesn't feel like a safe question to answer.

How did this happen?

You know, before I moved in here, I crushed ass.

Quality ass.

I dated a Bee Gee.

Well, it's simple.

You're not putting enough effort into it.

You're waiting for guys to approach you.

That's like sitting on the beach

waiting for the fish to wash ashore.

More like pieces of ocean trash.

Yeah, if you want to catch the good fish,

i.e. hot dudes,

you got to go swimming in the ocean, i.e. try.

Well, I guess maybe I could up my game a little bit.

I could still date a hot guy.

- Gene in the house! - Gene!

I'm gonna date him.

Gene?!

Margaret,

we said go fishing in the ocean.

We didn't say go harpoon a white whale with your bare hands.

I could date Gene. I just, uh...

I just need to pull out all the stops.

Watch out, boys.

I'm jumping in the ocean.

So, Hank, tell me all about your book.

And speak real slow, 'cause

the last book I finished was written by Reese Witherspoon.

First of all, we all know

vampires are sexy as hell, right?

Yeah.

And who is the sexiest vampire of all time?

Brad Pitt, Interview with the Vampire.

Wrong.

Tom Cruise, Interview with the Vampire.

No.

Antonio Banderas, Interview with the...

Stop guessing Interview with the Vampire!

Now, the sexiest vampire

of all time is obviously Wesley Snipes in Blade.

And what is the one complaint everybody has about that movie?

Never saw it.

Not enough sex.

You can't walk down the street without somebody saying,

"You know the problem with that movie Blade is?

Ain't got enough sex scenes."

Well...

problem solved.

I present to you...

Shade.

Oh.

Now, be careful. That's my baby, now.

Don't forget to support his head.

All right, let's get started.

Read it out loud so I know which parts get to you the most.

"Shade strutted into the sexy-ass club

"and was all like,

'What's up, y'all? Who wants to get freaky?'"

Ah!

- That's just the first sentence! - Let's see.

We're gonna need more water up in here!

"Shade pulled a photo of his father,

"who was dead,

"out of his pocket, and whispered,

'Fangs for nothing.'"

Wow! Hank, I love it.

It's the best thing I ever created,

and that's including my kids.

Now, did you notice that

Shade's minivan was really a metaphor for society?

Oh, big time.

Especially when I saw this post-it

says "Van equals society."

Well, now all I got to do is get it published.

You know, I've been calling every Stephen King in the book,

but I ain't got the right one yet.

I know someone in the Tucson publishing world.

My second cousin is in the biz.

Ooh.

I'm gonna need a minute.

What's wrong, Hank?

Oh, geez.

I can't believe how rich I'm gonna be!

All right.

Wow, you are crazy tall today.

Most old ladies shrink,

but you're just getting bigger and bigger.

Yeah. These are my, uh...

- my A-game heels. - Oh.

My tall boys.

Had to retire these in the '90s

'cause my calves were getting too muscular.

Ah, hey, I still got it.

What are you doing?

Well, this is my go-to move.

I make eye contact with a guy, and I hold it,

and just when it starts to get weird,

I break into a million-dollar smile.

It works every time.

- Look, watch this. - Okay.

Whoa.

Ah...

Evening, Gene.

Don't forget to call your pocket...

Margaret, are you okay?

Okay. Just, uh, living the dream.

Okay. Cool.

Okay.

Okay, just... get yourself up

and out of here

with your dignity intact.

Ah.

Eh...

Ooh, okay.

Please don't be watching me.

Okay, that's settled.

I'm officially a loser.

Ahooga!

Wow. Look at you.

Don't mind me. I'm just rolling my tongue back in my mouth.

Thanks.

Hey, would you make me the happiest man on Earth

and let me buy you a drink?

Oh, Leonard...

- you can buy me ten. - Oh.

Ugh.

Oh!

Ah.

Good morning, beautiful.

Sorry.

My small intestine is up to no good.

Boy, you must have shimmied something askew last night.

- Leonard, last night was a mis... - Was amazing. I know.

You were insatiable, my lady.

No, it was a mistake.

I was feeling very vulnerable and shaky,

both physically and emotionally, and I...

Do you think we can get another candle going in here?

Leonard?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.