Doctor Who

No, Amy, it's definitely not the fifth moon of Sinda Callista.

I think I can see a Ryman's.

Amy! Amy!

Argh!

Doctor!

It's saying we're on Earth!

Essex, Colchester.

Doctor?!

It's taking off again.

Doctor, can you hear me?

Amy!

Amy...

'Hello? Hello, please? Hello?'

'I need your help. There's been an accident.'

'Please, help me.'

BUZZER

Hello?

Please, will you help me?

Help you?

What's wrong?

Something terrible's happened.

Please help me.

Craig, what's that on the ceiling?

What's what on the ceiling? That!

It's coming from upstairs.

Who lives up there again?

Just some bloke.

So what's the plan tonight? Pizza, booze, telly?

Yeah, pizza, booze, telly.

THUMPING AND BANGING What is he doing up there?

You put the advert up yet? Yeah, did it today, paper shop window.

"One furnished room available immediately, shared kitchen,

"bathroom, with 27-year-old male, non smoker, £400 pcm - per calendar month - suit young professional."

Mmm, sounds ideal. That's your mission in life, Craig.

Find me a man! Yeah, otherwise you'll have to settle for me.

You'll have to settle for me first.

PHONE BEEPING Oh, Melina again. What?

..Right.

..Yeah, but I've kind of got plans.

..No, it's nothing important, it's just Craig. Oh, thanks, Soph(!)

Sorry, you know what I mean!

..OK. I'll talk to Craig, OK.

Now she's having a Dylan crisis on top of the Clare crisis. It could be another all-nighter.

I'm sorry, but I really should go.

Do you mind if I go?

No, not at all. No, honestly, course not, go.

Cos I could stay. No, go on. I mean, we've got plans.

Just pizza.

Yeah, it's just pizza.

OK! Right, I'm going.

All right, then. Well, um, I'll see you soon. Yeah.

All right, and give me a call, I hope everything's OK.

Thanks, sorry.

THUMPING AND CRASHING

Just tell her.

Just tell her. "I love you."

"I love you." Oh, jus..

"Hey, I don't know if you knew..."

Oh!

DOORBELL RINGS

Every time!

I love you. I love you.

I love you.

I love you!

I love you!

Well, that's good, cos I'm your new lodger. Do you know,

this is going to be easier than I expected!

But I only just put the advert up today, I didn't put my address.

Well, aren't you lucky I came along? More lucky than you know.

Less of a young professional, more of an ancient amateur,

but frankly I'm an absolute dream.

Hang on, mate, I don't know if I want you staying, and give me back those keys, you can't have those!

Yes, quite right. Have some rent.

That's probably quite a lot, isn't it? Looks like a lot.

Is it a lot? I can never tell.

Don't spend it all on sweets. Unless you like sweets. I like sweets. Ooh.

That's how we greet each other nowadays, isn't it? I'm the Doctor.

Well, they call me the Doctor, I don't know why.

I call me the Doctor too. Still don't know why.

Craig Owens. The Doctor? Yep.

Who lives upstairs? Just some bloke.

What does he look like?

Normal. He's very quiet.

LOUD BANG Usually.

Sorry, who are you again?

Hello?! Excuse me?

Ah! I suppose that's...dry rot?

Or damp. Or mildew. Or none of the above.

I'll get someone to fix it. No, I'll fix it.

I'm good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister.

No, I'm the Doctor, don't call me the Rotmeister.

This is the most beautiful parlour I have ever seen, you're obviously a man of impeccable taste.

I can stay, Craig, can't I? Say I can.

You haven't even seen the room. The room? Your room.

My room? Oh, yes, my room, my room.

Take me to my room!

Yeah, this is Mark's old room, he owns the place, moved out about a month ago.

An uncle he'd never even heard of died and left a load of money.

How very convenient.

This'll do just right. In fact...

BANGING AND GLASS BREAKING

No time to lose. I'll take it.

Ah...you'll want to see my credentials.

There... National Insurance number...

NHS number...

References.... Is that a reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury?

I'm his special favourite.

Are you hungry? I'm hungry.

I haven't got anything in.

You've got everything I need for an omelette fines herbes! Pour deux!

So who's the girl on the fridge?

My friend. Sophie.

Girlfriend? A friend who is a girl. There's nothing going on.

Ah, that's completely normal. Works for me.

We met at work about a year ago at the call centre.

Oh, really, a communications exchange? That could be handy.

Firm's going down though. The bosses are using a totally rubbish business model.

I know what they should do, I got a plan all worked out,

but I'm just a phone drone, I can't go running in saying I know best.

Why am I telling you this? I don't even know you.

I've got one of those faces. People never stop blurting out their plans while I'm around.

Right, where's your stuff?

Don't worry, it'll materialise, if all goes to plan.

Oh, which one, which one?! No!

Why won't you land?!

Oh, that was incredible!

That was absolutely brilliant.

Where did you learn to cook?

Paris, in the 18th century. No, hang on,

that's not recent, is it? 17th?

No, no, no, 20th. Sorry, I'm not used to doing them in the right order.

Has anyone ever told you that you're a bit weird?

They never really stop. Ever been to Paris, Craig?

Nah, I can't see the point of Paris.

I'm not much of a traveller. I can tell from your sofa.

My sofa? You're starting to look like it.

Thanks, mate, that's lovely!

No, I like it here.

I'd miss it, I'd miss...

Those keys? What?

You're sort of...

..fondling them.

I'm holding them. Right.

Anyway...

these...

these are your keys.

I can stay? Yeah, you're weird and you can cook, it's good enough for me.

Right, outdoor, front door,

your door. My door. My place. My gaff. Ha-ha! Yes!

Me with a key.

And listen, Mark and I, we had an arrangement where

if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout, OK?

Why would I want that?

In case you want to bring someone round. A girlfriend or...

a boyfriend?

Oh, I will. I'll shout if that happens.

Yes. Something like...

I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS!

By the way, that...

the rot.

I've got the strangest feeling we shouldn't touch it.

Earth to Pond, Earth to Pond.

Come in, Pond.

Doctor!

Oooh. Sorry! Could you not wreck my new earpiece, Pond?

No, I mean, he seems a laugh.

He's a bit weird, good weird, you know?

'And he just happens to have three grand on him in a paper bag?' Yeah.

Wait, wait. "The Doctor"?!

'Craig, what if he's a dealer?!'

'Hello. Stop, please.'

'Can you hear me? I need your help.'

How's the TARDIS coping?

See for yourself.

Ooh, nasty. She's locked in a materialisation loop, trying to land again but she can't.

And whatever's stopping her is upstairs in that flat.

So go upstairs and sort it!

'Please. My little girl's hurt.'

I don't know what it is yet!

Anything that can stop the TARDIS from landing is big, scary big!

Wait...aren't you scared?

I'm so sorry, but will you help me? Please.

Help you?

'A bow tie, are you serious?!'

Hang on a sec.

What? Craig, Craig?

..Orange juice, eocenes Arbuckle, rare tarantula on the table, ooh! >

I can't go up there until I know what it is and how to deal with it!

It is vital that this "man" upstairs doesn't realise who and what I am.

So no sonicking.

No advanced technology. I can only use this cos we're on scramble.

To anyone else hearing this conversation, we're talking absolute gibberish.

Practical eruption in chicken. >

Descartes Lombardy spiral. >

All I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being.

Simple. What could possibly go wrong?

'Have you seen you?' So you're just going to be snide? No helpful hints?

Hmm, well, here's one... bow tie, get rid!

Bow ties are cool.

Come on, Amy, I'm a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do.