Seinfeld

Ever called someone and were disappointed when they answered?

You wanted the machine.

You're always thrown off.

You go, "Oh, I- I didn't know you were there.

I just wanted to leave a message saying, 'Sorry I missed you."'

So here's two people who hate each other, don't really ever wanna talk...

...but the phone machine is like this relationship respirator...

...keeping these marginal, brain-dead relationships alive.

We do it so when we come home, you can see the little flashing red light.

You go, "All right, messages."

You see, people need that.

It's very important for human beings to feel popular and well-liked...

...amongst a large group of people we don't care for.

Well, this is it.

Oh, this is nice.

- Thanks again for the Chinese food. - Oh, you're welcome.

- I think I ate too much of that garlic. - Me too.

I ate the whole plate. I didn't know. I thought they were peanuts.

You know what, I think Nak ed Gun is on. Oh, I've seen it.

I laughed through that whole thing. Wanna watch?

No.

- I mean, I don't think so. - I thought you liked to laugh.

I thought you were happy-go-lucky.

No, no. I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go.

If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.

That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there.

Why don't you check the TV Guide? I think Ho/ocaust is on.

Jerry, it's George. You a/ set for the week end? This is gonna be great.

You'/ have a great time with Naomi.

A/ right, she's got that /augh.

What'd you say, it's /ik e E/mer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

I was thinking we'd tak e two cars up to the cabin.

That way, you know, if one of us wanted to stay-

This thing has never worked right.

You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?

Well, first of all, Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved...

...internationally known cartoon characters of all time.

"I'm gonna kill that cwazy wabbit."

Come on! Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways-

It makes juice, it extracts the pulp and- And then the vitamins.

For long life and vitality.

How could you leave a message like that?

How could you play it to just anyone?

I didn't think you'd leave it.

- I didn't think you'd play it. - Now she's not coming this weekend.

What do you mean, not going? We got plans. Call her up.

Ah, it's better anyway.

I mean, really. What was gonna happen?

I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that?

It's like Coco Chanel going out with a fishmonger.

You know, she's with all the perfumes, and a fishmonger's a pretty bad smell.

Well, maybe you should ask Elaine.

But if I ask Elaine, Kramer will feel slighted.

Oh, no, no. Don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him.

He vomited all over her.

Wait a minute. Do you smell smoke?

- Ah, Kramer. - Hello, boys.

Top of the morning to you.

What do you say? What do you be?

Put that thing out before you start another fire.

You had to give him cigars.

So, what are you guys doing this weekend?

- Ah, we're... - Because I'm gonna be playing golf...

...at the Westchester Country Club.

Westchester? Isn't that a private club?

That's right, buddy. It's private. It's very private.

I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th Street. I gave him a Cuban...

...and he invites me for a free round.

Then he says, anytime I lay one of these on him, it'll be the same deal.

- Wow. - Isn't that beautiful?

Man, I'm gonna be hitting the links all weekend.

- Gee, that's- That's too bad. - Yeah. Too bad.

- Why? What? What? - Because we were just saying...

...we were gonna ask you to the country.

Susan's father has a cabin up there, but all right.

They got any golf courses up there?

No, no, no.

- No, no, that's pie country. - Yeah.

Yeah, they do a lot of baking up there.

They sell them by the road. Blueberry, blackberry.

- Blackberry, boysenberry. - Boysenberry, huckleberry.

- Raspberry, strawberry. - Strawberry, cranberry.

Peach.

- I don't know. - Come on, I don't wanna tag along...

...with George and Susan. With you, it's a better group.

- What's that? - Oh, it's an autographed picture...

...for my dry cleaner. I never know what to write on these things.

I hate doing this.

"I'm very impressed"?

You mean "pressed" because it's a dry cleaner?

Yeah, see? That's why I hate it.

So come on, you wanna go?

Well, what about the sleeping arrangements in the cabin?

Well... Same bed, and underwear and a T-shirt.

- What about me? - Well, you'd be naked, of course.

- Excuse me. Jerry Seinfeld? - Yeah.

My names Sanger, Mel Sanger. I drive that truck out there.

- The Yoo-hoo? - Yeah.

- I love Yoo-hoo. - Yes, it's a fine product.

I saw you on The Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago.

I was watching the show with my son Donald.

He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood.

The damnedest thing. Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble.

Can you imagine that? A bubble.

- A bubble? - A bubble?

Yes, a bubble.

- Do you mind? May I? - Oh, sure.

It'd break your heart seeing him in there.

He's like a prisoner. No friends. Just his mother and me.

And I'm out there six days a week hauling Yoo-hoo.

We have sacrificed everything, all for the sake of our little...

...bubble boy.

- Excuse me. - Oh, here.

Excuse me.

Anyway, we were watching you on TV...

You get in the bubble with him?

No. He can see through the bubble, it's plastic.

- Oh, I thought it was like an igloo. - No. It's clear.

Who has the remote?

He does.

The remote goes through the bubble?

Yeah. He's in the bubble with the remote.

So you have no control over the remote?

No. It's frustrating.

Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

So anyway, you're his favourite comedian.

He laughed so hard the other night...

...we had to give him an extra shot of haemoglobin.

That's nice.

Tomorrow is his birthday.

And it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart...

- ... to pay him a visit and just say hello. - Oh, well, tomorrow, I-

Jerry. Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.

Yeah. Okay...

Tomorrow. Where do you live? Uptown? Up Westside?

- No. Upstate. - Upstate.

He's a bubble boy!

- A bubble boy? - Yes, a bubble boy.

- What's a bubble boy? - He lives in a bubble.

Boy.

What kind of a bubble, like an igloo?

No, that's what I thought. It's a piece of plastic dividing the room.

What kind of plastic do you think it is? Like that dry-cleaning plastic?

That's no good.

He wouldn't last 10 minutes in there.

What can I do? I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.

It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.

- Well, where does he live? - I don't know. Upstate. Fall-something.

Wait a minute. This is right on the way to the cabin.

Oh, all right. Beautiful. So you stop in, visit the bubble boy for 20 minutes...

- ... then we can go. - You think so?

I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us.

Oh, great. Okay, we're going away.

- I think I'm excited. - I'm excited.

Oh, you're gonna love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947.

- It's incredible. - There you go. It's a '47 cabin.

- So we'll see you tomorrow. - Okay.

Well, hey.

Very nice. Very nice.

- Well, I'm off to the links. - Yeah.

I wanna thank you for the invite upstate.

I'm sorry I can't make it.

- The what? - Nothing. Let's get going. Come on.

- Did you-? - No, no, we'll talk about it later.

Is that one of the cigars my father gave you?

Hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her?

I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.

Oh, that's nice.

What's he doing? What is his hurry?

Oh, you know George. He's gotta make "good time."

He once went from West 81 st St. to Kennedy airport in 25 minutes.

I never heard the end of it.

Look at him.

Would you stop that, please? Just stop that.

- Why? - Knock it off. You're distracting me.

We're making incredible time here.

I once made it to Kennedy airport from West 81 St. in 15 minutes.

Oh, here. Hold this. It's $10 for the tolls.

What's he doing? Is he out of his mind?

Do you see him? I don't even see him anymore. Where is he?

- Isn't that blue car him? - No, no, that's not him.

What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him.

That stupid idiot.

- Now what are we gonna do? - It's no big deal, Jerry.

We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.

I don't even know where the bubble boy lives.

I don't even remember the name of the town.

- You don't have the directions? - No, I was following him!

How could you not take the directions?

Because he's my directions.

I don't see them, George.

You make plans, then he goes 100 miles an hour...

...the weekend's over just like that.

Poor little bubble boy.

He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble or igloo thing, whatever.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where I am.

Just get off at this exit. We'll figure something out.

We lost them. Do you know that? We lost them.

Well, it's not my fault.

Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody?