Dante's Inferno

I just need something on the board of it, right?

Open this lab.

This is very big.

These are senior.

You didn't choose me.

I don't mean to be a bitch, but you're the one who's got to follow me.

I love it.

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

Oh, man.

My head's killing me.

Where am I?

Well, I was some shindig last night.

The chick with the mole was pretty hot, man.

Maybe Ralph could pick me up.

Let's see.

Come on.

Come on.

Shit.

No service.

How am I going to get home?

How long will I have for?

That's funny.

There's got to be a place to get some coffee around here somewhere.

About halfway through the course of my pathetic life, I woke

up and found myself in a stupor in some dark, unfamiliar place.

I'm not sure how I ended up there.

I guess I had taken a few wrong turns.

Just thinking about it now gives me the chills.

It was so bleak and depressing.

I'd been pretty hammered when I wandered off the night before.

I was tired. I must have passed out.

I'd become somewhat accustomed to waking up in strange places.

As I drifted around in the dark trying to find my way, I

remembered some of the details from the party the night before.

Details that were far from my finest moments.

I felt completely lost and was ready to give up.

Watch out!

Huh, who's this guy?

Hey, excuse me.

What's with the bathrobe?

Hey, old man, can you tell me where I am?

I'm not a man now, but I once was.

Maybe you know the book I wrote, The Aeneid?

You're saying you're Virgil?

The guy who wrote the ancient poem like 5,000 years ago? I took a class on that.

Any ideas on why the story of The Aeneid begins in the middle?

Mr. Allegheri?

Mr. Allegheri?

Yeah, it's a nice book. You're a genius.

So where's the subway?

You got a phone stash doing that toga? Mine doesn't have any bars.

I have been sent to guide you on a long journey through the deep

soil of horror and torment, with a dead beg to die once more.

Stalker, whatever, old man. If that's the only way out of here, lead the way.

Just don't kill me and stuff me in your freezer.

It was right around the time of day when

time clocks are punched and beers are opened.

But there I was, heading towards a darkness that was beyond what I

could imagine, led by an old man who said he was an ancient Roman poet.

Hold on a sec, grandpa. Where are you taking me? You know, I don't have any money.

Listen and understand. There is a beautiful

woman of virtue, with eyes brighter than the sun.

Wait, that's Beatrice, my Beatrice.

Yes, she resides on the smallest sphere of

heaven's throne and is watching over you.

But Beatrice, but she's dead. Wait, how did you know about Beatrice?

She descended from up high and implored me to help you.

I can't believe what I'm seeing. I've got to quit drinking.

Again, I'm going to just close my eyes and it's going to go away.

I stand before you now because she came to me

and asked for my help to save a lost young man.

Okay, so I'm the lost young man.

Yes, you. Now, open your eyes, Dante.

Well, I don't know who you are or where the

hell I am, but I guess I'll go along with you.

My cell's still not working. You know where there's an ATM around here?

Hey, man, why aren't we going down here? Um, I don't know, maybe I

should just find a cab this way to the city of pain through here.

Ceaseless agony awaits. Oh, great. All souls lost

must enter here, abandon all hope on entry here.

I don't like the sound of this.

I was a lost soul, although I wouldn't admit it at the time.

Whoa, whoa, hold on there, old man. Where are you going?

Come back here. Come on, really, I'm not so sure about this.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Slow down, slow down. Where's this tunnel go?

Mister, my friends are, you know, they're probably looking for me by now.

Let's not kid ourselves, Dante.

What's all that noise? Is this like a rave or something?

What you hear are the cries of those for whom the world has no record.

No justice! No peace! No justice!

Wow, how'd we get to the harbor? Sounds like a protest.

When these souls were alive, they never stood up for anything.

So in death, they are condemned forever to take a stand,

protesting everything and anything until the end of time.

There will be no relief for them, no justice, no peace, ever.

Well, thanks anyway, but I'm not really interested in joining any protests.

Those who champion nothing in life shall receive nothing.

And so these souls will hang around those barricades

forever, hoping to go somewhere, anywhere.

Karma, my dear pilgrim.

Listen up, you lightweight pussy girly men.

Only real sinners can come across the river to

the land of fire and ice and perpetual darkness.

Hey, you!

Who, me?

No living souls allowed here, and you're not crossing the river on this ferry.

Hey, we don't want to cross any rivers, do we?

Don't be fucking around down here on my shit.

Silence, Charon. We will be crossing the Acheron.

You can't interfere with events that are preordained.

Take off that silly headset.

Silly headset? That's essential.

Hey, you, back there! Yeah, you, ass-wife!

And you, you! Get on the ferry now and have your goddamn boarding passes out.

Silence!

Who are they? Why do they get to go on the boat?

These unrepentant hordes are cursed to actually desire hell rather than fear it.

Hell?

None but the truly evil cross here, so you can

understand why Charon objected to your boarding.

Don't fucking eyeball me.

What do you mean, desire hell? What are you talking about?

That's where I'm taking you, Dante.

To hell? What's... what's... what's happening?

Oh shit, it's the Earthquake!

Whoa! Oh no! Oh no!

Virge?

What is it, Dante?

Virgil, I don't want to go to hell.

Oh, man. Is that an earthquake?

Where are we?

Oh, let me guess. Hell, right?

Actually, this is only the threshold, but our

travels will take us beyond into the depths of hell.

Wait, I don't understand. Why are you taking me there? Am I dead?

Relax, Pilgrim. You are not dead, but the rest of us are.

And not everyone down here is evil.

Below us are souls who have never sinned, but they

were never baptized and sometimes cut a few corners.

It's called Limbo. I know, because I reside here, too.

What might be you?

There's Lucan.

Howdy. Hey, Virgil, where's this fancy wine you spoke of? Your arms carry none.

That's Ovid.

Oh, everyone's a millionaire where promises are concerned.

And there's Horus, the satirist.

Wine? Please, the distance are tender minds from vice.

Take it easy, Horus. The wine will be delivered after

I get this young man through all the nine circles.

I'd be happy to go on a beer run.

Dante, see that dignified-looking man?

Uh-huh.

That's Homer.

Oh, and there are the two Georges.

Oh, Tranny's and Limbo?

No, no. George Sand and George Elliott. They're pseudonyms.

Hello, ladies.

Bonjour, Virgil. Ça va?

Hello, Virgil. Back in town, I see. Who's the looker?

I didn't understand why a guy like Virgil would

get stuck in Limbo forever. Didn't seem fair.

Virgil, can't you get out of here? Go

someplace nicer? Heaven? A cloud or someplace?

Well, my pupil, funny you should ask.

Not long after my arrival in Limbo, I saw the mighty one

descend and choose many for the eternal bliss of heaven.

Let's see. Ah, Abel. Nice kid with a shitty brother.

And who else? Noah. You're not gonna need that range slicker, we're going.

And, uh, hmm, Lucan, Horus.

Ah, Moses!

Moses supposes his toes as the roses. Homer, no, no, no.

Oh, Samuel. Come on. Oh, lay off the doughnuts, Samuel.

Oh, come on. Oh, I need all my powers.

And there were many others. But understand, before

this emancipation, no soul had ever been saved.

Ever?

Ever.

Ever, ever?

Come on, it's time to go.

Oh, Virgil, baby! Bring back a carton of smokes, will you? Menthol!

If each soul goes to a different part of hell, how do they get there? Who decides?

Hey, what's with all the plumbing?

This is Minos' courtroom, where sinners are condemned and appropriately dispatched.

Order in the court. I said order!

Baeliff, bring in the next soul, dammit.

What was your sin?

I downloaded some Metallica.

Circle seven, level one, petty theft.

Wait, I downloaded some Metallica?

Oh, shit.

That's gotta suck.

Next, next. I honestly don't know why I'm here.

Circle eight, liars.

Oh, your honor, please let me explain.

Don't, no, I wasn't there that night. I didn't

see that little girl. I was all alone with my...

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