The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

So, my sisters are in New Zealand,

-so is my brother. -Oh, yeah.

Your hair's a little bit funky.

Oh, thank you. I never brush it,

-so Jessi usually brushes it for me... -Yeah, yeah.

-...when she washes it. - Jessi.

What the fuck do I do? Why am I even here actually?

I don't know what the hell is happening.

Hey, where's Mason?

- I think he went that way. -Did he go with Layla?

Um...

- - Oh, my God.

I've only been in LA for less than six hours.

Taylor's already brought over a boy toy

to try to make me jealous,

but I'm just not taking the bait.

Is that Taylor?

I don't care if Dakota sees me with Harry.

I knew it'd piss him off, but we do need to get used to this.

I'm gonna be The Bachelorette.

It's inevitable, so like, why not start now?

-If that's-- - What're you shaking your head at?

- What do you mean? -What do you mean, Dakota?

I don't know what this game is.

What do you-- What do you think that girls would feel like meeting your ex,

though, as like a friend? I would be fine with it.

Well, obviously, you're in a situation where...

- What? Huh? Wha? - Wait.

- These guys? -Yeah.

-With our husbands and some other people. -Ay!

-They're freaky. - Freaky girls.

What were you shaking your head at? Are you gonna elaborate?

Oh, uh-- Just this situation. I think it's fucking hilarious.

It's cra-- If I was to do that, oh, my-- Could you imagine?

Could you imagine the double standard of this?

I don't think they'd get through the front door.

Yeah, they-- they wouldn't.

Honestly, I'm wondering why Dakota's even here right now.

I mean, it's a couple's trip

and our husbands are here, they're helping with our babies.

His kid isn't here, so I don't feel like there's a need for him to be here.

If, like, you're gonna be upset that Harry's coming tonight,

then, I'm sorry, take the flight back.

Wait, how do you know who's a good swing?

Well, that's why it's trial and error.

And Big Joe Smith doesn't like that?

-Wait, who-- -Joseph Smith.

Oh, Joseph Smith!

- Oh, okay, yeah. -Wait, who's that? Who's Polygamy?

-Do you know what polygamy is? -Is that a person?

- No. - Huh? What?

"What? Huh? What?"

Dude, he's-- he must be so funny.

-Oh, my God. -Dakota.

I'm joking.

-You're not joking. - No, you're not.

-I fear that was truthful. - Wait!

Oh, my gosh.

Sit. You guys wanna sit?

-Or do you wanna-- -Yeah.

Plenty of seats over here, guys.

-Yeah, we can make room. I'll stand up. - There's plenty of seats.

If I would react really poorly in this situation right now,

I know that Taylor would get so much satisfaction from this.

Like, she would eat it up

because that's her whole goal all the time with me.

And so, I think, by just playing this off really cool,

just kinda like, "Whatever," I think that will piss her off.

When did you move to America?

Uh, 2019.

Wow.

Wait, where are you from? England?

No. Right at the top of Australia.

Well, I know you from all the-- Okay.

-Australia? -It's the middle of nowhere.

-Oh, shit, I didn't know that. - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm from Idaho originally.

Wait, how did you meet this bunch?

Uh, I moved to Utah.

-Okay. Crazy. -Yeah.

-I know. -Fun, huh?

So, inviting Harry over,

I'm just like trying to have fun and like put myself back out there,

and so it's annoying that Harry and Dakota end up hitting it off.

It's bullshit. It's all bullshit.

Yeah, it's been wild, dude.

- It's a wild ride. -A wild ride!

Utah. Like, Mormons.

Everyone shares everyone. It's really weird.

This is one of-- one my baby daddies, by the way.

-Oh, yeah? Fun. -She has two. Yeah.

- He's like, "What the fuck?" -I have another one back in Utah as well,

then I'm gonna go on The Bachelorette and probably find my third.

The initial plan to have Harry come over

was for Taylor to get a little bit of flirting practice.

He's the perfect person for it,

but, uh, the awkwardness is palpable.

I think we're all asking ourselves why is Dakota even here?

-But are you not dating anyone else here? -No.

No. He just got back from the villa. He had a lot of fun out there.

-What's the villa? -Vanderpump Villa.

-Oh, I was gonna do that! -Wait, are you serious?

-Like, recently or like at one point? -No, recently.

-Oh shit. -I was meant to go out,

but then they're like, "But you might have sex with everyone,"

-and I'm like, "Oh, I can't"-- -Yeah, ask Dakota about that.

He knows all about it in the bathroom.

Well, I wasn't proud of it, but yeah, it led to that moment.

But here-- But to be fair, I actually tried not to.

It was like Do or Drink was the game.

Who gives a fuck?

-Yeah. -Dakota does.

Taylor, it's just the vindictive stuff you do.

-I'm not your girlfriend. Why do you care? - Because you--

If I was your girlfriend or your wife, I'd understand, but I'm not.

But then you cry about everything I do.

It's like, oh, I-- a girl says hi to me, and you cry about it.

It's just like, I don't understand how you come at me for anything.

-When did that happen? -What do you mean? Every day.

Taylor and Dakota start fighting.

It's background noise to me at this point,

but Harry, poor guy over there,

his first exposure to all of this, by the way...

...head in hands, mortified.

Mortified, and rightfully so.

I forget how jarring it is.

If anyone cries between you and I, it's you.

-I'm gonna cry right now. - Shit, dude, I'm like--

-I'm gonna cry right now. - This is what I'm saying.

I'm always like, "This is why I'm always crying."

Well, he normally is not allowed to come around 'cause he does this, so...

-Does what? - You're annoying.

What did I do?

You open your mouth. You know exactly what you said.

I was hoping that Taylor just wouldn't get into it with Dakota,

maybe just have a night where he doesn't piss her off.

However, I don't think anyone--

any person can stop this man from getting under her skin.

I just don't think it's possible.

- Never mind. -This is crazy.

No, this is great, but I'm gonna go home.

- Oh, you're gonna go home? -Well, because--

No, this is the best day of my life.

-Oh, my God. - He can go home.

Don't feel obligated to stay. Go home.

-I'll walk you out. - Okay.

I really did wanna enjoy the time with like Harry.

I was trying to get in the mindset of like The Bachelorette, you know?

But I feel like, yeah, Dakota definitely threw me off.

So, I'd like to talk to him about that

so I can actually be in the headspace I need to be in

going into this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

-'Kay, well, thank you for coming. - 'Kay, we'll see you.

-Thanks so much, guys. -Have a good night.

- Bye. -See you.

Holy shit.

Shh.

'Kay, we're gonna go wake the girls up for breakfast.

Alright.

See if they wanted some brekkie.

Ew!

There's only one thing that's worse than seeing Dakota naked,

and that's seeing Taylor right fucking next to him.

I am absolutely petrified right now and I think I'm gonna return to church.

I think I need some holy water to cleanse my eyes

'cause I think they're burned outta my fucking head.

Alright, you dirt bags. What the fuck?

What the fuck? Taylor!

She has a baby, and respectfully, I can't sleep past 9:00 a.m.

Why are you in bed with him?

What?

It's always like, "Eff him, I'm done, he's disgusting.

I'll never sleep with him again."

And then, like a day later, she has slept with him.

It's just mind-blowing at this point.

Like, my brain can't comprehend this madness anymore.

So, did you guys just like study the Bible last night, or what did you do?

I didn't wanna see them in there. I'm grossed out.

I'm not even trying to be a bitch.

I'm just trying to understand

like, why you guys, like, literally fight and roast each other

and then have sex after. Like, is it like a weird, toxic kink?

It wasn't even, like, planned. I don't think about it.

Because I'm an idiot! I'm an idiot!

I'm an idiot! That's-- There's no other words.

It's a cycle. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

I think anyone in a toxic relationship, a trauma bond,