Babes on Broadway

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.

Ladies and gentlemen, this station has the honor to present...

...a weekly report on the New York scene by Alexander Woollcott, The Town Crier.

This is Woollcott speaking.

This evening, instead of reporting to you on the new plays along Broadway...

...I want to say a word about the swarm of young hopefuls...

...who arrive in New York each year...

...determined to make good on the stage if it takes a leg.

I have here over 1000 letters from such young people...

...asking what to do, where to start.

Every one of these people...

...thinks that he has more talent than 90 percent of the actors on Broadway.

Broadway. They call it "The Great White Way."

But it shines with a radiance no electrical company can inspire.

It comes from the likes of you.

One word of advice, take what you can get.

Grab the chances as they come along.

Act in hallways, sing in doorways...

...and if you have to, dance in cellars.

Hello, everybody. How do you do?

We're gonna do a song and a dance and all for you.

Never seen a better crowd at any place.

We just wanna see you have a smile on your face.

So here comes our bag of tricks. We turn on the show.

Drop the nickel in, Nicky, and here we go.

New York, New York Fascinating city

Magic castles rising in the air

Wall Street, Broadway Guys are sittin' pretty

Every window hides a millionaire

So when defeatists holler "There's no chance"

Just tell them this But with a dirty glance

Once Mr. Woolworth Didn't have a dime

And Irving Berlin Didn't have a rhyme

And Thomas Dewey Didn't have a crime

But anything can happen in New York

Once Rockefeller Didn't have that oil

And Tiffany He didn't have a pearl

And Ziegfeld Didn't even have a girl

But anything can happen in New York

You, too, can be that big ball of fire

You, too, can have your name In Who's Who

You, too, can climb up higher and higher Until you reach that Rainbow Room

The Wall Street bankers Didn't have a trust

The Automat It didn't have a crust

The Hall Of Fame It didn't have a bust

But even you can be one in New York

Yes, sir You can be one in New York

You, too, can be that big ball of fire

You, too, can start from scratch And get rich

You, too, can climb up higher and higher

Like Lord & Taylor, Bonwit Teller Gimbel, Macy, Rockefeller

You can even be an Abercrombie Fitch

Once Mr. Morgan Didn't have a yacht

And Joe DiMaggio Didn't have a swat

The pot of gold Didn't have a pot

But anything can happen in New Don't mean innuendo

We mean only in New York

Yes, sir! Hey, hey, hey!

That's the show! Hey, hey!

Hey, that's us. Feed the little kitty, folks. We take anything.

Hey, all the way.

Well, Nick, you got the armored car outside for us tonight?

- Boys, I've got bad news for you. - What's the matter?

I want you to resign.

You mean, you want us to quit working here?

Oh, no, sir, Nick. We love you too much.

We wouldn't let you sit in this cellar all by yourself every night, would we?

Then I got to fire you.

- Fired? - Why?

Look, I got the business, yes?

I got the wife, I got the three kids...

- ...I got myself, I got you, yes? - Yeah.

But I only got three customers eating my spaghetti.

So, I've got to go out of business.

That's too bad, Nick.

Don't worry, Nick. Spaghetti will come back someday.

Hey, what's this? Five bucks.

Wait a minute. Who put this money in there?

- Five dollars? - Yeah.

It couldn't be that icky from Waterbury, could it?

I don't get it. She probably thought it was a buck.

I'll have to give it back to her.

Hey, you're not gonna cast that nice, fresh folding money back on the waters.

I hate to do it, fellas, but things aren't that tough.

And I better do it quick, before my stomach talks to my willpower.

Hey, wait a minute. Just let me hold it.

Goodbye, Mr. Lincoln.

Excuse me, lady, but I think you made a mistake.

- I found that in the kitty over there. - Anything wrong with it?

- It's a 5. - The kitty says you take anything.

You mean...?

Gosh, that's an awful lot of admission just to watch us...

...when you can see the top shows on Broadway for $4.40.

I think your show is as good as some I've seen on Broadway.

You do? You do?

Oh, gosh, thanks. We kind of think we're pretty good too.

The straw hats around here won't even listen to us...

...and the out-of-town trade very seldom gets down this way.

Where are you from? What part of the country?

- I was born in Wisconsin, but I... - Wisconsin?

Well, that's funny. My mom was born in Wisconsin.

- You like New York? - I get tired of it sometimes...

Wait til you start swinging out.

You know something? You talk just like my mom.

She said that God made New York...

...just so that the good people would enjoy Wisconsin.

Your mother might have something there.

No place like it. That's what I tell her in every letter.

Where else can a fellow shoot out of a firetrap like this...

...into a top spot on Broadway?

Sure, it happens every day. Fellow comes in, sees something he likes.

Says, "That's it." Your name goes up in lights.

- You're a hit overnight. - Really?

- Sort of like Horatio Alger, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah.

Only it hasn't happened to us like that yet.

The roof caved in on us tonight. This bin's gonna close up.

But we're on the upbeat.

When we become headliners, we'll send you tickets, get your money's worth.

- You do that. I'll give you my address. - Swell.

- There. - Well, thank you very much.

Miss Jones from Wisconsin.

You've been darn swell to us.

If you need a couple of fellows to show you the city or anything like that...

Well, here, I'll give you one of our cards. There you are.

Which of the Three Balls of Fire are you?

I'm the one you can't get any insurance on. Tommy Williams.

You can phone me at Pitt-Astor Drugstore. I'm there all the time.

It's kind of like an actors' clearing-house. I'd like to show it to you sometime.

That's very nice, Tommy.

- I'm much obliged. - Why, not at all.

You liked our act, didn't you? You give a fella a lot of heart.

You know, the last person that made me feel this good was my mother.

That's a nicer compliment than I paid you. You'll hear from me.

You just drop your hat and I'll come running.

Oh, and thanks again for this fiver.

You know, you made Santa Claus seem like a schoolboy.

It won't seem so much when you split it three ways and deduct the income tax.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Hi, Tommy, Hammy. - Hi, ladies.

- Tommy, I got that part. - Swell, Sally.

- Wonderful. - Great.

- Hi, sexy boy. - Oh, hello, fellas.

- Been making the rounds? - And how.

- Anything new? - Yeah, did you have any luck?

I saw 14 producers, but nobody's producing.

Oh, dear. That's...

Hi, Bert. Keep those sidewalks hot enough nowadays, don't they?

- Stop looking at that 85¢ dinner. - Boys, what will it be?

- Steak, medium. - Chicken, fried.

- Squab, broiled. - Yeah, I know.

- Three hams on rye and heavy on the ham. - Oh, that's very funny.

- There was a call for you guys. - Call for us?

- Yeah, the Thornton Reed office. - Thornton Reed's office.

- Thornton Reed? - Easy, buddy.

Don't you think it's too warm for jokes?

I don't know, but she says Thornton Reed Productions wants you before 6:00.

How can we lose? We've been turned down by every producer.

Look here, Shorty, if this is a gag, you've seen your last banana split.

Hey, excuse me, ma'am.

This may sound crazy to you, but did you call us?

Well, who are you?

Well, we're the Three...

- Balls of Fire. - Balls of Fire.

Right in there, please.

Well, go ahead. It's only a doorknob.

Well, hello.

But, miss, I thought that you were...

In Wisconsin? I'm afraid not, not for 20 years.

- But, Miss Jones, I... - Hey, you're not Jonesy?

Not the famous Jo... Holy...

Well, aren't you going to sit down?

Oh, yeah.

And I was gonna show you New York.

Maybe you will someday. You know, I've never really seen it all.

Now, boys, to get down to business.

Mr. Reed is producing a new musical revue.

I have spoken to him about you.

- About us? - Thornton Reed?

This is getting to be like Alice in Wonderland.

So if you'll be at the Old Amsterdam tomorrow morning at 11:00...

...I may be able to get him to watch your act.

But please, you mustn't tell a soul.

This is a very private audition. Mr. Reed doesn't like actors.

Well, do you think you can make it?

- Make it? - Right now, we've been there for hours.

Hello. Oh, yes, Thornton.

See you tomorrow morning at the theater.

- Thank you very much. - Yes, Thornton.

You don't know what you've done.

What did you say, Thornton?

I mean, what did you say, Thornton? Oh, I don't know.

I don't see any objection to Philadelphia.

Read that, please. Read that.

- Thanks very much. Goodbye. - Bye.

Sorry. Come on.

- Hammy. - Hiya, Jenny.

You look as if you swallowed the Academy Award.

I'm really riding.

Thornton Reed has just asked us to come over to a little audition tomorrow...