Children Ruin Everything

- (James whistles) - James, where is the Tupperware?

And don't say the Tupperware cupboard,

because that's filled with cookie cutters and rolling pins.

I just didn't feel like the kitchen was set up for me

as a stay-at-home parent, so I jazzed it up a little bit.

Really captured the chaos and unpredictability of jazz.

In fact, I'm gonna have a little demonstration.

I think that's a good idea. Kids?

- (Morris grumbles) - I'm not done walking the dog.

- Good boy. - Doggy, sit.

- Felix, my man. - Hey.

You wore those clothes yesterday and clearly slept in them.

How do you know? You watch me sleep?

Sometimes.

Let's listen to Daddy's great new kitchen system.

Yeah, just a few little minor relocations.

But it should have a little major impact.

First, we're gonna start off here,

in the morning nook section.

: When your kids are young,

they think you're charming, entertaining, hilarious.

: But at some point, that stops.

Wow, okay, James. Big yikes.

Uh, wha... Sorry, James?

Did you just eye roll us? Wow.

Did you just... James? I'm Daddy.

: You go from Super human,

to human, to sub-human.

: And this new lack of respect gets under your skin.

Stop slouching. How 'bout that? Boom!

- But never James. - You just got parented.

: And you might not respond great.

Does Morris need to go out

for peepees and poopies? (Morris barks)

- Did she just say peepees? - Yeah. Viv?

Vivian, can you come back here?

What did you just say? (door shuts)

This could cause a PR nightmare.

Yo, what if it's "Big dreams, big package"?

It's the word "package" Jean-Luc. Scrap it.

Okay, you're the boss. Whoa.

Yeah, you're my boss now! Crazy, right?

The world is truly upside down.

Astrid, my right-hand woman, who's also BIPOC.

- Do you remember why I hired you? - To make you electable.

So, I have some notes on what you just said.

First, I need to know how I'm doing in the polls.

You still have a very strong lead.

Would it still be as strong if I voted against funding

for the downtown community youth centre?

Leonard, do you remember why I took the job?

Yeah! Something about people or something like that.

Because I believe you can make a positive impact on our city.

Kids need a place to hang out and the youth centre is facing

an uphill battle for funding. Vote for it.

You know, kids need to learn discipline,

respect, and... Mandarin.

And empathy, and...

Well, whatever keeps them from skulking around,

and free shoes, and a brand new community centre, which...

Which you're gonna vote against.

Vote against. Good idea, Astrid.

It's not pretty watching how the sausage is made, is it?

Most of you are doing a great job.

: We wanted you to receive the first invitation.

What is a "Gender No-veal" party?

It's a party to affirm that we will not reveal the baby's gender.

- (clears throat) - We hope you can come.

- Come on, of course. - Thank you, guys.

I wouldn't miss it... for... the world!

Astrid, no! No!

This belly was imported from Italy.

I may not be the one carrying the baby,

but I still wanna have an authentic experience.

Hi, so I couldn't find the uh, champagne flutes.

I broke them all when I moved them to the celebration section.

You know, I think we have some wine glasses

in the dinner zone or the beverage nook.

- Okay, uh... - Zinnia?

- Yes? - Um, according to the app,

you're below optimum hydration, so.

- Oh. - Zinnia comes with an app?

How very Black Mirror.

The "Surro-Gate Keeper".

It helps us track her vitals and habits. And whereabouts.

Corey sends his love from Switzerland

to his favourite auntie and uncle.

And um, James, he was asking how the job search is going.

Well, uh, the job search is still going,

but I have plenty of work at home to keep the panic at bay.

- Hmm. - Maybe I can write you

- a reference letter. - Oh, no. No, no thanks.

I mean, I got one from Gero's so.

Well, a letter from the founder and CEO of GoBo couldn't hurt, could it?

Could it help, though?

Isn't Gero's, you know, a serious company?

GoBo's run out of your basement.

Also, I never worked there. Which is for the best.

Because being unemployed is better than working for me

and my not-so-serious company?

No. No, no. I didn't... Hey.

This is supposed to be a celebration, guys.

- Yes. Celebrate. - To, to, to... Whatever.

- The um... - Hey, oh, Felix,

come over here say hi to Dawn Auntie and Uncle Bo.

And oh, the woman they pay to carry their child.

Yes.

Hey. (Astrid): Felix.

Hmm.

It's not true.

Hey, Bo was a little touchy today.

You did kinda call his business dumb.

You know, he's put a lot of work into that thing.

Dumb? What do you mean?

You mean his online crocheting business called GoBo?

Okay, ugh. Fine, I will apologize.

As soon as Felix apologizes for leaving a dryer

full of wet clothes that I now have to rewash.

He barely even said hi to Dawn and Bo.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Huh.

And I was making a grocery list.

I asked him if he still liked yogurt in his lunch.

- Very thoughtful. - No response. Silence.

He what? That cannot stand.

Leonard thinks we should come down hard on him.

Like, pfft, that's not us. Not even for this. Right?

No. We do our thing. We talk to them. We explain it.

We get down on their level. We use the words,

all of the words. As many words as it takes.

How we do.

I mean, that wasn't... we can...

- That was pretty good. - That's the start of somethin'.

: Hey, Felix.

Hey.

Are you eating pickles on our bed?

There's no food upstairs, dude.

If you wanna break the rules, do it in your own bed.

It's annoying in there.

Viv keeps pretending it's a dog hotel

- for sad baby dogs. - That's cute and you know it.

Hey, Felix buddy, we noticed that you've been a little um... mean to us.

Is it something you wanna talk about?

Can I take the bus by myself to see Gus?

I meant something related to your attitude.

But no, you're too young to take the bus by yourself, buddy.

I'm not too young when you want me

to clean my room or do my laundry.

You can't accidentally ride your laundry to the airport.

Yeah, also, you don't finish that laundry, buddy.

If you want more privileges,

you're gonna have to show more responsibility.

And also show us a little bit more respect.

- Yes. Where you going? - Hey. Where you going?

A-doy, I'm obviously gonna go do my laundry.

What did I just say about respect?

- (Astrid scoffs) - I mean...

I'll go finish my laundry.

When I "a-doy" it's not that obnoxious, is it?

Oh, no, I love your a-doy. I adore your a-doys.

- Thank you. - They're a-doyable.

Ooh.

A man, on bended knee, proposing with a-these.

Bo, I've sunk a lot of money into this company.

- Uh-huh. - I've endured

morning check-ins, extended lunches,

- and altogether too much singing. - Oh.

But it's all been worth it to hear your brilliant ideas.

- I love it! - We'll make a whole line

of crochet jewellery. I'll call it,

"A Touch of Bo-mance".

- (door opens) - That's fun.

- Yeah. - I like how fun that is.

Oh James, nice of you to stop by.

- Hi, Marla. - He signs an NDA or he leaves.

Oh, there's no need. We're just a silly,

little company to James.

'K, that's actually why I came by, Bo.

I was hoping we could have a little bit of a chat.

Oh, James, did you hear?

Gero's stock prices have plummeted since we were fired.

Great news. Let's go jam a spigot

into your brain. (Bo gasps)

And collect all the brilliant ideas.

- Oh, yeah. - Hmm, sorry.

Sheesh, Marla is really into Bo.

She's been in a much better mood

since we started working here.

She even started sharing details about her personal life.

"I have a sister." That's a direct quote.

- No. - Yeah.

- Wait, wait, watch your back. - Oh, passing on your left.

- Oh, 'k. Behind. - Oh. 86 on the coffees.

- (both chuckle) - Hey, yeah. We have fun.

What about you? Any uh, leads on the job search,

or are you just gonna be a... dad?

Being a dad is a job. It's a real job.

Sorry, it's not as fun as... "I have a real boring idea.

"(clears throat) My man..." Hey, it's...

Hey, what about a line of crocheted handkerchiefs,