New Girl

Babe, can you help me finish this thank you card

to Asha Auntie? She got us... that.

That porpoise porn?

Yeah. "Best, comma, Cece and Schimdt."

All we're gonna give her is a "Best, comma"?

Come on, she's my mom's sister.

Well, she should have stuck to the registry.

You know who hasn't even gotten us a present yet?

I have a year. He has a year.

I have a year!

All right, everyone.

Report to the principal's office,

where I will be sitting behind the desk because...

I might be principal! Congrats!

That's great! What do you mean, could be principal?

Well, I just had a very interesting talk

with my boss, Genevieve.

Jess,

I am dying.

What? Oh, my God!

Dying to leave Banyon Canyon

and launch my own elementary school at sea.

Oh. You scared the bejesus out of me.

I've wanted this forever

and I came so close at my last school.

Like, champagne and Prosecco close.

So, if you find marijuana in a locker, it's yours now.

Ours now. It could just be part of the loft.

We could just put it in a...

Congratulations.

You just got yourself two weeks detention, Mr. Miller.

What? But I didn't do anything!

I didn't do anything!

Principal, that's great. I'm really proud of you.

And now you're almost gonna make

what normal people make.

But I'm not even in it for the cabbage.

I want to change lives.

And finally, I can implement

some of my programs school-wide, like the math decathlon...

The demathlon.

A-ha!

You see this whole time,

y'all thought you were having breakfast

with Winston,

but it turns out y'all been sitting with James Wonder.

I'm talking about my alias.

See, I'm thinking about

applying for undercover work.

That sounds incredibly dangerous.

Well, not if I go deep enough

into my undercover character.

I've been practicing

on y'all unknowin' asses.

I combined the names of

my favorite singers: Stevie Wonder

and James Blunt.

And I put those together to create a different name

as my alias, James Wonder.

I'm worried you're not the undercover type of guy.

I feel like

if you had the ability

to pretend to be someone else,

you would have made that decision a long time ago.

I feel like that sounded harsh,

but it's only

'cause I care about you.

I love Parents' Day!

Matching names to e-mail addresses,

puttin' big people in little chairs.

Admiring all that sweet daddy derriere.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Good. More for me. Ooh.

That is Ed Warner.

President of the parent's council.

You're gonna need his vote

if you want to become principal, so...

Okay, did you talk me up?

Absolutely not.

School politics gets messy and as my grandmother used to say,

"You don't get dirty till after 6:30."

Piece of cake. Parents love me.

Ed!

Oh, are-are you okay?

Sorry, I was, uh,

moved to tears by the...

second grader's self-portraits.

I cannot believe

you are gonna abandon us next year.

Oh... I'm like, "Ah, don't go!"

I can keep the accent

so you'll barely notice she's gone.

Prince Henry, pet me corgi.

Wow.

Um, Ed, have you met our vice principal?

Jessica Day. I'm a big fan of your work

and by your work, I mean the child you created.

Not to suggest that

it was work making her.

I'm sure it was fun.

I mean...

I hope it was fun.

Ed, if you're gonna

ask me sex advice,

please buy me a glass of wine first.

Anyway, switching gears.

I'd love to discuss the, uh, principal vacancy.

As would I.

N-Not now. Now's not a great time.

I have, um,

uh...

Good-bye.

You beefed it, love.

You beefed it hard.

Is that the Vitalstir 3,000 from my registry?

Oh, no, I've had...

I've had this forever. It came out last year.

Did it?

I've had it for a year.

No, I'm just doing what I always do.

Nicky Miller makin', uh,

his famous guacamole.

Like I always do.

Nick Miller's famous guacamole.

See ya later.

I'll call you when it's done!

Fine.

It's from your registry.

I bought it, I brought it home

but I can't give it to you.

I am freaking out about what to get you.

Well, Nick why don't you just give us this blender

that's on the list of stuff that I want?

Because I feel trapped by this registry.

It's a list made by robots.

Nick, not everything is robots!

Winston puts one walkie-talkie into a mailbox...

Thank you for your letter.

Yum!

I just... you guys are like my family.

I want to get you something great.

Something unique, personal.

Oh, Nick.

And while you clearly don't understand what a registry is...

I appreciate the sentiment.

Nick...

I don't say this lightly.

I release you from the registry.

Great.

Buy us a gift of your choosing.

What-what I want to get you.

Whatever you want.

The world is yours.

Fly, my little hummingbird.

'Cause I can get you anything.

Oh... this was a double-edged coin.

Excuse me?

Can you tell me where I can find my son's cubby?

Winston!

What are you doing here?

And before you answer that question,

get out of here!

Winston?

Can't you read?

You said I couldn't do it,

but I did it.

I am deep undercover right now.

No one's gonna believe you're a parent here.

Jimmy-dubs!

Where'd you go?

I needed a refill on the java, E-dawg.

Oh, my goodness!

I see you've already met

and also, already have

'90s hip-hop nicknames for each other.

Genevieve, this is James Wonder.

Hey. A potential new dad.

He's a landscape architect.

Oh... And father of Asher.

And husband of?

I... I'm a widower.

Oh, oh...

Yeah. Yeah,

she, um...

she got squished.

Squished?

Mm-hmm.

Did she? Did she?

Okay, James. Uh, let's leave now

so I can show you

the school's landscaping.

Wait, actually,

I have a stubborn back yard.

Uh, I don't want to bring in frogs,

but if I could

attract frogs...

Very common situation in our business.

You need a well.

A well?

Oh.