Jane Fonda & Lily Tomlin: Ladies Night Live

Please welcome your hosts for Ladies Night Live...

my dear friends, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin!

- -

- -

Thank you.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-Thank you very much. -Thank you.

-Thank you all. Thank you! -Thank you very much.

Hi.

-Hi. -Wow.

Hi. Hey.

Lily, that sounded like the voice of God introducing us.

Well, it could have been.

I've had a feeling lately that God has gone rogue.

Wow, the playing of... the start with Dolly...

This whole audience. It's just surreal.

You know, surreal is the new real. Right?

We are so excited to be here tonight

at the beautiful historic Hollywood Palladium.

Yay!

Yeah.

You know, with all the wonder women here,

maybe a more appropriate word would be

"her"-storic.

And for anyone who is wondering, this is not an awards show.

Yeah. The women here have already won more awards

than the Netflix algorithms can keep up with.

But today so much of the big data has to do with women.

Maybe we should coin a new word: "gal"-gorithms.

You're disgustingly woke.

Anyway, we don't need to give out awards tonight,

because everybody here is already a winner.

Right? We're here to celebrate "Women in Comedy".

We are all members of the "gal-"gorithm generation.

Oh, and we're also celebrating--

seven seasons of Grace and Frankie . Oh, my God, I almost...

Oh, my God.

I almost forgot about that.

Your short-term memory is showing.

Lapses of the synapses.

Ha ha ha.

Anyway, we have such great fans.

And we collected questions from them for tonight's show.

-And so... -We'd thought we'd take a moment

and answer some of them.

Are you ready?

"Who are some of the women who have had the most impact on you?"

On me?

Oh... Greta Thunberg.

-Katharine Hepburn. Dolly, of course. -Of course.

Reba, Nancy Pelosi, Jane Goodall. Yeah.

Elizabeth Warren, AOC.

Christiane Amanpour.

They said that I resemble her in appearance.

Melissa McCarthy.

That's good.

-Did we say Dolly? -Yeah, we did.

Wanda Sykes.

And the brave women of the Ukraine!

And by the way, we're all going to have to become like the brave women

of the Ukraine and fight what's about to come down the pike

from you-know-where.

Are you talking about the Supreme Court?

I'm talking about the SCOTUS.

-Not scrotum. -SCOTUS.

SCOTUS.

Anyway, I don't even want to talk about it.

It makes me sick. Come on.

-Read your card. -Next question.

"Lily, you've said your partner Jane Wagner is Jane number one,

and Jane Fonda is Jane number two.

Is there a Jane number three or four?"

There better not be!

Well, believe me, two are more than enough.

Okay, let's see here.

"What was your worst audition?"

Isn't this night supposed to be celebrating us?

I understand if you don't want to talk about it.

Okay, yes, I was passed over...

to host the show Is It Cake?

And no, I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, okay, so last one.

"Do you keep a gratitude journal, and if so,

what are some of the things you're grateful for?"

And I'm grateful for you, Lily.

Oh, thank you.

Oh my God, and we're also grateful to have an incredible line-up

of comedians for you this evening.

That's right, we're going to be here all night long,

-so we'd better get started. -You bet.

The first of our guests is an actor, comedian, and social media sensation.

I liked her from the very moment that I heard her first-ever tour

was called "The Farewell Tour".

-Please welcome... - Heather McMahan!

This is a surreal moment.

Jane and Lily, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for them!

We are not worthy.

Ladies, thank you for having us.

You have no idea, when I was a little girl in Atlanta, Georgia,

I never thought in a million years I'd be here in a power blazer

with you two bad bitches.

I love you, thank you for having me.

Oh, my God, this is iconic.

How we doing?

- -Yeah.

Okay, I got to be honest with you right now.

This is a bold statement, but women are inherently better

at handling panic situations than men.

Right? Wouldn't you agree, ladies?

I first noticed this during the pandemic.

I don't know where you were at when the news hit,

but I was in my tiny apartment in New York City,

and my husband was really having a hard time with this.

He was having his first panic attack, and I gotta be honest with you,

it was the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life.

My husband's like 6'2", an Italian New Yorker,

and he's sitting on our IKEA couch in a Penn State jersey,

death-gripping a meatball sub, just dry-heaving back and forth,

like, "This isn't good, babe! This is not good!"

I'm like, "Honey, look at me, look at me, right now.

Look at me. Focus, okay?

We got to be a team, we are locked and loaded, dial it in!"

And he was like, "Babe. Babe, I can't do this.

I can't do this shit. You know my biggest fear is...

You know, my biggest fear is dying!"

No fucking shit, Jeff!

Of course your biggest fear is dying!

I think that's everybody's biggest fear!

Actually, mine is getting my Nordstrom credit card declined,

and that's on God.

You know that tomato basil bisque is fire!

I will say though,

as much of a little bitch my husband can be sometimes,

he was really my champion.

We've been going through some fertility issues.

And I was really bummed last year.

Couldn't have a baby.

But he said, "You know what, let's get a dog.

If we can't have a baby. Let's get a dog."

Any dog moms out there?

- -Hell, yeah.

Crazy bitches. I love it.

I want you to know, I did try and rescue.

-Any rescue moms out there? Yeah. -

Did you rescue? Did you get that rescue?

Good for you.

I tried.

Hand to God, I tried to rescue, okay?

But after like the seventh rescue agency

that like, did a "light background check" on me, you know what I mean?

I got denied. And my husband was pissed.

Like, "You know what? Fuck this.

Look at me in the eyes. Get dialed in, Heather.

This is bullshit. We deserve to be dog parents.

Listen to me. Listen to me right now.

I want you to go to Chase Bank, I want you to get out $6,000 cash.

We're going to get a purebred!"

So you know what we did?

Peak pandemic, we got in my Jetta.

we drove up to the Georgia-Tennessee border.

I pulled into a closed Waffle House parking lot.

That's how you knew the world was on fire.

I literally skeeted in... Skeeted in.

Opened my sunroof, I shit you not,

I handed $6,000 cash out of the sunroof to a breeder.

She handed me my perfect little baby Rigatoni Cannoli Gandolfini Daniels.

Through the fucking sunroof!

It was like a scene from The Lion King, like...

And I love that dog so much, that is my baby,

I don't know if you guys recently heard this,

but there was a woman who was kicked off a flight

because she was breastfeeding her cat.

Did you hear about that?

Guess what? I fucking get it, okay?

But the wild thing is I got totally bamboozled

because I spent all this money on a purebred.

I have the most fucked-up dog you could ever imagine.

He's a Frenchie, and they have a lot of problems.

But like, every time he takes a shit, his eyes bulge out.

And yeah, he's just like cross-eyed and straining.

And he doesn't bark.

All he does is scream like a pterodactyl.

He's just, like...

Yeah.

So now when I take him for a walk and people want to come up,

they're like "Oh my God, Rigatoni! He's so cute. Can I touch?"

I'm like, "No, no, no, I'm so sorry.

You should back up. We're still in training.

You know, uh, he's a rescue, so.''

Thanks, guys! I'm Heather McMahon!

Our next guest is a fabulous comedian.

We are thrilled to have her.

She's an outstanding stand-up actress, podcaster,

and host of Netflix's own The Circle.

It's Michelle Buteau.

What's up? What's up?