Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

Deafening morning, you mean.

- Wasn't that music rather loud? - Loud enough to wake the dead.

Too soon for resurrection jokes?

- Mm-hm. - And since when do you wear black?

- Trying to be edgy, are you? - Loosen up, Aunt Zee.

It's a new year, a new cycle.

Time to blow the cobwebs away.

On that, we can agree.

- Oh, Hilda, any calls for the mortuary? - Not a sausage.

And I checked the obits, it should be quiet here. Like the tomb.

Marvelous. We'll take the hearse to the Academy.

- Oh, can I ride with you guys? - Oh, we're going tout de suite.

The High Priest would like to introduce me to the other faculty members

before First Assembly.

And isn't Baxter High back in session today?

It is, but I was thinking I should start focusing

on my witch studies more...

exclusively.

For a bit.

Are you dropping out of high school, Cousin?

I'm just taking a sabbatical.

- What's this about, love? - Education, Aunt Hilda.

At Baxter High, I study geometry.

At the Academy of Unseen Arts, I study sacred geometry.

The Academy's curriculum is just more rigorous and rewarding than Baxter High's.

Do you not want to see Rosalind and Susie, and Har...

Mm-mm.

Uhh... Your other friends?

I'll call Baxter High and tell them you've contracted scarlet fever

and not to expect you for the next two weeks.

Don't worry, Aunt Zelda. I've already spoken with the new principal,

and she's given me an indefinite leave of absence.

Mr. Marlin.

Is that gum in your mouth?

I guess so.

It states clearly in Baxter High's Rules and Regulations

that there shall be no gum-chewing, so...

swallow that wad in your mouth, Billy.

Sorry about that, Ms. Wardwell.

Oh, it's Principal Wardwell now.

Carry on.

Have either of you talked to or seen Sabrina?

- Uh... - Relax, it's just a question.

I think... she's figuring things out, Harvey.

Yeah.

Life goes on, right?

Are you taking AP art class again?

I... I can't. I'm playing basketball this year.

Or trying out, at least. Dad set up a backboard over the garage.

We played some one-on-one over break.

You and your dad did?

Yeah, he's been doing good. Better since the magic eggnog.

When are tryouts?

'Cause, no offense to WICCA, Roz, but I might wanna play basketball, too.

- But there's only a boys' team, Suse. - Yeah.

So?

Sister Zelda.

If I am the hand that molds our young pupils' minds,

these are my fingers.

This is Brother Machen, Sister Carswell, Brother Lovecraft,

- Brother Bierce, and Sister Jackson. - Hello.

Hello. So lovely to meet you in this new context.

As my wife Constance did before her death...

...Sister Zelda will be teaching ancient tongues and sacred scripture.

And may I say how honored I am

to be working alongside you.

After my brother Edward's death,

I never dreamed I'd be once again teaching at the Academy.

Prudence, what is wrong with my son? Why is he crying?

How am I to know?

Though you treat me like a wet nurse, Father, I am not one.

You forget yourself, Prudence. I'll treat you as I please.

Now quiet Baby Judas.

There, there, you cherubic little devil.

What did you do?

Reflexology to calm him.

- Have you been giving Judas goat's milk? - As you instructed, yes.

Sister Zelda, you are a hellsend.

Sabrina?

You're just in time for one of the Academy's grand traditions.

Please don't tell me some kid's getting eaten alive today.

Fingers crossed. Come on, hurry.

By the way, glad you're sticking with the new hair. It's hot.

Good morning to you, my young warlocks and witches.

If I could have your attention, please.

Now, with every fresh cycle at the Academy

comes the customary election of a new Top Boy,

tasked with serving as a liaison between students and faculty,

as well as providing a much-needed example for the rest of you lot.

The floor is now open

- for student nominations. - Nick!

- Nick! - Yeah!

Yeah!

Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!

As candidate for Top Boy, the Academy recognizes Nicholas Scratch.

Would anyone like to challenge Nicholas?

I thought not.

Young Master Nicholas, if you accept this nomination...

Excuse me, Father Blackwood, but...

can anyone run?

The Top Boy is traditionally a male student.

But is that an actual rule in a rule book, or...

All Top Boy candidates are required to be full-time students,

committed to our unseen arts.

Well, I'm here, Father, full-time. For the foreseeable future.

And I signed the Book of the Beast, because that was the Dark Lord's will.

But unless he specifically hand-picked Nick,

I'd like the opportunity to contribute to the Academy in a meaningful way.

By disrupting the first morning assembly you attend?

By ensuring that all students, regardless of gender,

feel they have a voice.

I nominate Sabrina Spellman.

Seconded.

I don't mind a little competition.

Especially not when it's so damn cute.

Indeed, the Academy recognizes Sabrina Spellman,

who will join Nicholas Scratch in three challenges of witchcraft

to be held in the Desecrated Church.

The Inquisition, the Boil and Bubble, and the Conjuring.

Followed by a vote.

And may the Dark Lord be with you both.

Dismissed.

Remember, Hilda?

- When Edward was Top Boy at the Academy? - Mm.

How he dazzled the coven with his knowledge and rhetoric?

Aah.

That appointment changed his life.

It's a straight shot from Top Boy to High Priest!

Top Boy, Sabrina?

I mean, that suggests a certain kind of permanence, doesn't it?

The gauntlet was thrown, Aunt Hilda.

And you, rabble-rouser that you are, had to take it up.

Hm. You two look dashing.

- We'll give Nick your best. - You're meeting Nick?

- Where? - A club for warlocks.

Dorian's Gray Room.

It's Academy tradition for the High Priest to take prospective Top Boys out

- for a night of debauchery. - Then why wasn't I invited?

Ah, it's a... club for men only.

Pish-tush, you couldn't go even if you were invited, Sabrina.

You've got far too much studying to do before the Inquisition.

If you hurry, you might catch Cassius

before he shutters the Academy's library for the night.

Hm?

I'll do that.

But, guys, when the time comes,

I will have your vote, won't I?

Not mine.

It's Top Boy for a reason, Sabrina.

Thanks for the support, Luke.

Ambrose?

Let's see how you do in the three challenges, first.

Am I crazy... or was Ambrose just throwing shade at me?

Throwing what?

Hm.

Definitely throwing shade.

I took the liberty of selecting a few volumes you might wish to peruse

before tomorrow's Inquisition.

Oh, thank you, Cassius.

Not at all, Ms. Spellman.

Just lock up when you're through, won't you?

Hm. I'll probably still be here in the morning when you get back.

- Hail Satan! - Hail Satan!

Before we get started, boys, I need to make one thing very clear.

As your High Priest and Headmaster,

I know nothing of the debauchery that goes on

in a setting as ill-reputed as this club.

Indeed, I am not even here.

In my day, I was Top Boy at the Academy, and that appointment shaped me.

Taught me values I still uphold today.

But tonight we're just men.

And to that end, I've arranged a little... amusement.

Luke?

Enjoy yourselves, boys. Try to keep your hands to yourselves.

If you can.

Gentlemen, your attention, please.

Back for one night only,

the daughter of Herod, the harlot-queen of history,

she is renowned for stealing men's hearts... and heads.

The eighth wonder of the world...

Salome!

Hello?

Cassius, is that you?

Aaah!

You are the child born of Spellman.

- Who are you? - Know me, girl.

I am Asmodeus.

Is this some kind of joke?

Because if it is, it's not funny.

I bring you tidings of filth and disease.

I bring you the minions of plague.