Review

- Life: It's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review

food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Viva the revolution!

Aah!

*

Hello, and welcome to Review.

I'm Forrest Macneil.

Whatever life experience you're curious about,

I will do it, and then I will review it.

And here to field your inquiries

from the review command center is A.J. Gibbs.

A.J., if we do this right,

we'll shed new light on what it means to be alive.

We'd better do it right.

Yes, we'd better.

My first review. What is it, please?

- Your first review comes to US from mork

in Lincoln, Nebraska.

- Mork? - Yeah.

- Well, you don't hear that very often.

- No. - Hi, I'm Mark.

Oh.

- Forrest, I'm thinking about stealing my mom's TV,

but I wonder what it would feel like.

Would the guilt devour me from the inside out,

or would I like it so much that I lose interest

in everything else in life?

Stealing.

What's it like to take things that aren't yours?

I'm gonna find out.

And I'll let you know, Mark. - Good luck.

- My old friend malted milk balls.

A couple times a week, I come here

and scoop a few of these fellas into a bag,

bring it up to the register,

and trade my money for my balls.

But today-- oh, hello.

Today I'm skipping that last part.

Come on. Okay.

Oh, boy.

Oh, wow.

What am I doing? What am I doing?

What am I doing?

Didn't really find anything to buy today, so--

- okay. - Just one of those days.

Oh, oh.

You all right, dog?

- I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm really doing this.

Okay.

These people trust me.

I can go to jail for this.

Aah.

Oh, wow. That was exciting.

I mean, it was scary, but it was kind of scary

like a roller coaster, you know what I mean?

And I-I can't say

I feel any guilt about it, really.

And look at these.

I mean, these are my favorites.

I wonder if my theft was too impersonal.

Hmm.

Hey, pardon me.

Can I give you a hand with those?

Oh, thank you.

- Oh, sure. Oh, good, yeah.

It's so hard to get--

oh, I know, yes.

Well, my pleasure.

Sorry.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, where are you going?

Ah, that's very different.

Feels bad. That feels really bad.

But stealing began to look quite different to me

when I brought the groceries home

and shared them with my wife Suzanne and son Eric.

- Cake! - Oh, my god.

What does it say?

"Happy birthday...Lorraine"?

Yeah. Well, I guess

they just had some extra cakes and--

oh. Come here, you.

Both: Mwah.

- Very good. - I love these surprises.

Yes.

- A lot of shredded wheat in here, huh?

Yeah.

To truly experience life as a thief,

I realized I would have to put myself

at greater and greater risk of legal consequences.

My crimes could no longer be easy

or simply victimize the old and the slow.

- Excuse me. - Oh.

Did you just take my hat?

No.

Hey, but you know what?

If somebody did take your hat,

I would like you to have mine.

Come on.

Yeah, why not?

I was surprised to find

that I was incredibly talented

at separating people from their belongings.

My goodness. Hey, is that Justin bieber,

or does she just look like him?

No, that's him.

What an angelic face he's got.

There was nothing I could not have...

For free.

*

Go!

- Inspired by my successes with petty crime,

I converted the review offices into a staging ground

for my most ambitious heist yet.

We are not here for your money.

We are here for the bank's money,

which is federally insured.

I enlisted the aid of my executive assistant Lucille

and our office intern Josh.

We would not go unprepared.

As we saw during the fiscal crisis of 2008,

the federal government will not hesitate

to step in and bail out the banks...

- 30 seconds! - With taxpayer money, and--

when we do it, I'll make it shorter.

It's too long. Okay.

- If you're the head teller, raise your hand!

- Will you please be the head teller, Lucille?

Please. Good. Okay. - Great.

Okay. Take me into the vault, right now!

No funny business. - Great. Wait, wait, wait.

Where's the vault? - Oh, it's over here.

Thank you.

- Gracias. - You're welcome.

- Good. So you're headed to the vault.

Right.

- Lucille, do you have the stockings?

Yes, I do.

Oh.

- There's the guard, Mr. Macneil.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

They certainly are warm.

It's nice.

All right.

Head teller. - Yeah.

- Straight to the vault, right? - Right.

And I'm crowd control.

You ready? - Yeah.

Let's go.

- Please don't skip. - Okay, all right.

Let's get it.

- Drop your weapon! - Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, god! Oh, my god! Oh!

Let's go! Let's go! Get out!

Oh, look at that!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my--oh, man--

- oh, you are gonna die. - No!

- Yes, you're going to die. - Shut up!

Start the car, Lucille!

- What? - There was another guard!

Start the car! Start the car!

Open the doors! - Hold on.

- Reach through and open the handle.

Manually open it. - There!

- Thank you. Why was that so hard?

Come on, Josh!

- He's bleeding. - Yes, I know he's--

Go, go, go!

Drive, drive, drive! - Aah!

- Oh, what a pointless way to die!

- You don't know that I'm dying!

You don't see the blood!

This is a lot of blood! - I'm gonna be fine!

- Is there anything you want US

to say to your family?

- You! I trusted you.

Oh, don't say that--

although we did not leave the bank

with a garbage bag full of cash,

I took away something far more valuable:

A newfound respect for america's unpaid interns.

Josh's screams will haunt me forever.

Aah! Oh, god!

- My only consolation, if there even is a consolation,

is that he will now carry around with him,

for the rest of his life,

a reminder about the follies of stealing...

On his buttocks. That's where the reminder is.

Stealing: Two stars.

- Let's see what my next review is, A.J.

- Patty in park city, Utah, texts:

- Well, the only thing I've ever been addicted to