Hot Date

Okay, do the thing.

This thing?

Other thing.

This thing?

Oh that's the thing!

Ah! Ah! Ahhhhhhh!

Nice dude!

I had an orgasm, and half of my food isn't even cold.

Relationship sex is so quick and efficient,

we're in and out.

And in and out, and in and out, and then we're done.

Why enjoy the journey when you can

teleport to the destination?

Love you.

Murph, have we gotten too comfortable with each other?

What makes you say that?

I'm feeling like we've kind of lost some of,

you know the sexiness?

That's...

potentially true.

I mean look at this.

This is what other couples are doing tonight.

Can you just buy loose rose petals, or do you have to

pluck them yourself?

I don't know, but we've gotta find some

and do it on top of 'em.

Emily, we have a great sex life, okay?

I mean the consistency, the convenience,

the blue collar grit.

Sure, we're having orgasms, and yes, we're

satisfied, but we're just playing the greatest hits.

Him on top.

Her on top.

Mostly those two.

We need to experiment.

Some sexual deep cuts, huh?

I know just where to find 'em.

Put on your pants, because we're going to that sex shop.

The Moist Nook.

Ugh.

I hate that word, "nook."

Bridget enough photos already,

get out of the cage.

Um, I'm like trying to

relationship goals here, Darius.

Alright, you got your picture.

Now let me hit some frigging dingers!

Damn it.

Actually, though, that garbage ussie of us

only got 12 likes so apparently we need a better one.

Date night with my best friend, even though literally

I cannot stand you right now.

Hashtag boyfriend material.

We don't have to document

everything on this damn date!

Except how about we do, Darius?

Otherwise, how will people know we're a healthy couple, idiot?

Wait, nobody liked my photo instantly?

Mortifying, I'm deleting it.

I will take one more cute picture with you, and

then you have to leave me the frig alone.

Don't look at the camera, look at me like

you're in love with me.

And also kind of like, stand in front of me so I look tall.

How about I look at the god damn ball!

Fuck!

Damn it.

Twist.

This is like the cutest photo I've ever taken.

Good!

Get out of the cage!

Don't try to control me, asshole!

Hashtag a swing and a kiss.

I will literally, actually leave you.

Hashtag he treats me like a princess.

Get out of the cage, babe!

I won't!

Babe, babe, I said to get out of the cage,

are you okay?

Oh my god, I look like I got lip injections.

Quick, photograph me before it heals.

Just do like a quick swing to sort of even them out, I feel

like this one's like way bigger.

Ms. Brixton, before I show you these

photos, I have to warn you.

You're not gonna like what you see.

Ellie Brixton Did you catch my

husband with another woman?

Just as bad, I'm afraid.

He's been going to the gym.

Perhaps he's trying to stay sexy for me?

How long have you two been together?

10 years.

Unlikely.

Now if it were just the gym, that would be one thing.

But this, this man is bettering himself, and there's nothing

more suspicious than that.

Ellie Brixton Wait, why?

Self-improvement challenges the

foundation of comfort promised by a long-term relationship,

whether it be a diet, meditation, or a brave haircut.

This is a betrayal.

I'm sorry, did you actually catch

him with another woman, or...

Metaphorically, in every sip of

his kale smoothie, every rep on the row machine-

No literally.

Have you spotted him at a motel, or following

butt models on Instagram?

- I - didn't want to have to do this.

He was buying sex toys?

Even worse.

He was jogging.

And look closely.

Those are hand weights.

Ms. Brixton, your husband, a married, middle-aged man,

is trying to tighten up.

Ellie Brixton That snake!

He looks good though.

Welcome to the Moist Nook!

Ugh, Nook.

Hey you two!

The usual?

One tube of flavorless lube and a six pack of condoms to get you

through the month?

Actually, we're thinking about

trying something different.

Oh, lost the magic, huh?

Nothing destroys a relationship like bad sex.

No, no, no.

No, not bad.

It's just...

too efficient.

We'd like to spice up our sex life by making it more

complicated and time consuming.

Well that's what we're here for.

Let me show you a few things.

Okay.

Okay.

Alright.

This is our standard butt plug to heighten pleasure during

vaginal sex, or to stimulate the prostate.

It has a flanged end to prevent it from

being lost in your rectum.

Gotta have a flange.

These anal beads actually light up.

It really lets you see up there.

Why would you-

This little guy?

It's blue-tooth enabled!

And he's also-

For the butt.

Yeah.

Okay.

And these anal mints provide a

refreshing after taste after you-

Eat each other's butts out, yeah, so

we're not really like a butt couple.

I mean, the occasional wandering pinky can be a delight.

We do that on vacation.

But we're wondering if we can see some stuff

that's like not butt related?

Oh.

Not butt related...

I didn't think it'd be that strange of a question.

Big store.

Ahh foofh.

Butt, butt, this one's for a butt, this is for a big butt.

A big butt?

Butt, butt...

It's weird because the body's a big place and

there's a lot of stuff on there.

It should be like a bigger spread.

Oh!

We actually just got a new swing.

Oh, well that's fun.

Just like childhood.

Or ideally, nothing like it.

So, will we be taking this home tonight?

We'll take it!

It's way too expensive!

Sorry.

We'll take it.

David?

Hon?

What are you doing here?

That's what you say when

I catch you in the act?

Of jogging?

Ellie Brixton What did I do to make

you want to improve yourself?

Am I gonna have to get in shape now?

I don't wanna get in shape!

When did it happen?

When did people stop settling and start hustling?

When did crossfit become a thing?

When did love die?

I don't know, but I do know the perps.

Diet, exercise, posting inspirational quotes to social

media, trying new things, in general.