Tales from the Crypt

QUELLE HEURE EST-IL?

QUELLE HEURE EST-IL.

OUVRE LE FENETRE.

BOO-VRE LE FENETRE.

BON SOIR, KIDDIES.

I WAS JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FRENCH LESSON.

YOUR PAL, THE CRYPT KEEPER

HAS DECIDED TO SEE LE MANS.

IMAGINE ME IN GAY SCAREE,

SITTING IN A NICE LITTLE CAFE

ON THE ROT BANK,

SIPPING A GLASS OF CHABLEED,

WHILE I WRITE GHOSTCARDS HOME

TO ALL MY FIENDS.

OR I COULD STAY HOME AND TELL YOU TONIGHT'S TALE.

IT CONCERNS AN AMBITIOUS YOUNG MAGICIAN

WHO WANTS TO EXPAND HIS GORE-IZONS, TOO,

IN A TASTELESS TRICK CALLED...

WELL COOKED HAMS.

WELL COOKED HAMS

RISE UP, RISE UP, GLORIOUS FIRE,

FLICKERING FRIEND, RISE UP.

RISE UP! RISE UP!

YES!

RISE, OH, MAGIC FLAME.

RISE HIGHER AND HIGHER

AND HIGHER AND HIGHER.

RISE!

RISE, I SAID.

BACK!

BACK, FLAME, BACK.

BACK.

BACK, I SAY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MY BEAUTIFUL ASSISTANT, THE LOVELY GRETA.

SAP!

AND NOW, FROM DEADLY FIRE,

COMES VIBRANT,

BOUNTIFUL...

LIFE.

WHAT?!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WALKED OFF

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ACT!

MY HANDS WERE ON FIRE, YOU IDIOT!

WHAT, THAT'S MY FAULT?

"YOU'RE GOING TO BE HUGE," YOU SAID!

"ZORBIN TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING.

WE CARRY ON THE ACT AND BE EVEN BIGGER THAN HE WAS!"

20% OF THE ACT, YOU SAID.

IMPROVE MY ARRANGEMENT WITH ZORBIN.

20%, YOU SAID!

ALL OF THIS FOR 20% OF NOTHING!

MAYBE IF YOU DID YOUR JOB RIGHT FOR A CHANGE!

I DO MY JOB FINE, BUT YOU'RE INCOMPETENT!

IF ZORBIN WERE HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU DID TONIGHT,

IN HIS NAME! HE'D SLIT HIS OWN THROAT!

IN THE 3 MONTHS SINCE ZORBIN DISAPPEARED,

YOU HAVE TAKEN HIS GREAT MAGIC ACT

AND TURNED IT INTO A JOKE.

WE USED TO PLAY PARIS.

NOW LOOK AT US!

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS ACT

THAT A LITTLE CHANGE OF PERSONNEL WOULDN'T FIX.

YOU'RE FIRING ME?

YES. YES, I'M FIRING YOU.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, YOU CAN'T FIRE ME,

BECAUSE I QUIT!

NO, NO, SEE, I FIRED YOU FIRST.

SO EITHER WAY, YOU'RE GONE!

YOU WILL REGRET THIS.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

ZORBIN GAVE IT TO ME.

DON'T LIE TO ME.

THAT MEDALLION WAS IN ZORBIN'S FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS.

HE TREASURED IT.

HE DIDN'T LET ANYBODY SO MUCH AS TOUCH IT.

WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

IT APPEARED. OUT OF THIN AIR.

YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS. WHERE IS HE?

LAST ZORBIN WALKED OFF STAGE, HE NEVER CAME BACK.

YOU KILLED HIM.

YES. YES, I KILLED HIM.

I PUT A BULLET IN HIS BRAIN.

I PUT POISON IN HIS BRANDY

AND HAD AN ELEPHANT STEP ON HIS HEAD!

I'M GOING TO THE POLICE!

WHERE IS THE BODY? WHERE'S YOUR PROOF?

ZORBIN WAS SO GOOD AT DISAPPEARING, WASN'T HE?

WHERE'S THE MAGIC?

WHERE'S THE MAGIC?

I'LL...GIVE ANYTHING.

ANYTHING.

HELLO...

FRAULEIN...

GRETA KREUTZEL.

WATCH CLOSELY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AS FROM DEADLY FIRE

COMES...

VIBRANT...

VIBRANT, VIBRANT...

VIBRANT, VIBRANT...

BOUNTIFUL...

LIFE.

GET SOME WATER.

YOU TWO BEHAVED LIKE A COUPLE OF MONKEYS.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GESTURE MORE GRANDLY.

WE'LL BE BETTER TOMORROW NIGHT.

IF YOU WILL.

OH.

GET OUT.

I'M RUNNING OUT OF TOMORROW NIGHTS.

AHH!

FRAULEINS.

HERR FEDERMAN,

I HOPE I'M NOT DISTURBING YOU.

MY NAME IS KRAYGEN.

FRANZ KRAYGEN.

YES? AND?

I SAW YOUR SHOW TONIGHT, MY DARLING BOY.

I WANTED YOU TO KNOW

I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY INTERESTING.

OH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHERE WERE YOU SITTING? 'CAUSE I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

I WAS IN THE SHADOWS, OF COURSE.

BUT I ASSURE YOU, MY DARLING,

I DIDN'T MISS A MOMENT OF IT.

WELL, BEING AN ILLUSIONIST ALSO,

I THOUGHT I MIGHT INVITE YOU

TO COME AND SEE MY SHOW, YEAH?

YOU'RE AN ILLUSIONIST?

I AM THE GREATEST ILLUSIONIST, YEAH.

THEN HOW COME IS IT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU?

PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON'T PLAY THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY VERY OFTEN.

I LIKE TO MOVE AROUND.

WELL, I'M EXTREMELY BUSY.

I KNOW THAT YOU ARE.

BUT I WILL LEAVE YOUR NAME AT THE BOX OFFICE

ALL THE SAME. YOU SEE, MY DARLING BOY,

YOU CAN'T GET IN OTHERWISE.

I'M ALL SOLD OUT.

COME AND SEE.

COME AND SEE, MY BOY.

COME AND SEE...

THE MAGIC.

NOW APPEARING AT THE ELLINGHAM THEATRE 1 WEEK ONLY

"KRAYGEN" FEATURING THE BOX OF DEAD

BRAVO!

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU.

AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE GRAND FINALE.

WE SHALL PROVE THAT DEATH ITSELF

IS BUT AN ILLUSION.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU...

THE INFAMOUS BOX OF DEATH.

ENJOY, AS THE BOX ORIGINATED,

IT WAS LONG CONSIDERED THE MOST DANGEROUS ILLUSION OF ALL.

BUT TONIGHT, MY FRIENDS, ESPECIALLY FOR YOU,

I WILL ENTER THE BOX OF DEATH.

AS YOU CAN SEE, EACH OF THESE

VERY SHARP SWORDS

IS POISED TO SLASH INTO THE BOXES.

WHEN THEY ARE HELD TOGETHER

BY A SERIES OF WIRES AND ROPES,

AND EACH ONE OF THEM IS CONNECTED

TO ONE SAFETY ROPE HERE.

OBSERVE.

1...

2...

3!

NOW, WHEN THE SECRET OF THE BOX

CROSSES THE ASIAN CONTINENT

AND COMES INTO TURKEY,

THERE WAS ADDED

AN EVEN MORE DANGEROUS WRINKLE.

THE DEADLY SULFURIC ACID.

WOW!

AH! THOSE TURKS!

I WOULD HATE TO THINK WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF ALL THESE DEADLY SWORDS

WERE TO FALL ON TOP OF THE BOX

WHEN SOMEONE IS INSIDE.

BUT THEN, MY FRIENDS,

THAT IS WHY IT IS CALLED THE BOX OF DEATH.

REMOVING THE SHOES.

TO MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING,

WE WILL HAVE THE HANDCUFFS.

JA, JA!

AND THIS IS CALLED

THE SHROUD OF THE BOX OF DEATH.

ONE MINUTE, HERE. I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE.

YA, YA, THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG HERE!

PLEASE, CAN YOU HEAR ME? OPEN THE DOOR! PLEASE!

I PRAY YOU, OPEN THE DOOR!

THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG HERE!

OPEN THE DOOR!

OH, MY GOD!

OPEN THE DOOR! AAAAAH!

OH, FOR GOD SAKES!