The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse

Put your hands up and keep them there. All the way up, if you please.

Now, turn and face the window.

There, now you make a perfect target. Let me warn you to remain there.

And be very careful not to move, not even when the light goes out.

Isn't Doris in magnificent voice tonight, doctor?

Oh, inspiring, simply inspiring, Mrs. Updyke.

Oh, wasn't it inspiring, Mrs. Ganswoort?

- Brandy, sir? - Hm?

Oh, uh, why, yes. Yes, thank you.

In fact, it does rather nicely.

- Oh, by the way. - Yes, sir?

- Where's the telephone? - Right there, sir.

Thank you.

[DORIS SINGING "THE LAST ROSE OF SUMMER"]

Hello, Miss Randolph? Anything new on Grant?

Yes, I had a hunch that might happen.

- Yes, you can call me from the hospital... Help! Oh, help!

Mrs. Updyke. Mrs. Updyke.

Give Mr. Grant an injection of Dialanoid, 115.

Why, what is it, Celeste?

- Oh, Mrs. Updyke. - What is it?

Mrs. Updyke. A burglar, your jewels. He went through the window.

- Are you sure? - Oh, my God. A burglar?

And, uh, call me at once if his pain doesn't let up.

Yes, I'll be here.

Police headquarters, please.

Hello, good evening.

- I want to report a robbery... Call the police, somebody.

At Mrs. Frederick B. Updyke's house...

...13 Sutton Square. Yes, thank you.

He's shot. The watchman got him.

Operator, would you mind sending an ambulance to 13 Sutton Square?

The name's Updyke. Thank you very much.

I didn't do nothing. I didn't do it. I didn't do nothing.

Yes, yes, yes. I believe you. I believe you.

Now, just be calm. Put up your hand, please.

- What did you say? - Just put up your hand, please.

Well, you're a lucky old man. That bullet just scraped your collarbone.

Three inches over and you'd have had something stuck in your throat.

Say, didn't you and me meet someplace before?

I hardly think so.

- Who is this fellow? - Why, Dr. Clitterhouse, of course.

There.

- Oh, that pain you very much? - It's all right.

Hello, doctor. - Oh, Inspector Lane.

Isn't this rather a prosaic case for you to be on?

It may look like nothing to you...

...but I'm hoping it's the end of my headaches for this last few months.

- Come on, give me that ice. - I never saw no ice.

I ain't got no ice on me. Your dicks will tell you.

That's right. We searched him before we brought him in...

...just this rod and junk.

I'm telling you, I never saw it. I never had a chance.

Somebody beat me to it.

- Your men covering that driveway? - With a fine-toothed comb.

- Who's working with you? - Nobody. I don't know nothing.

You don't, huh? Just a lone wolf. What about Rocks Valentine?

I never worked with...

- Rocks, who? - Don't act dumb.

You slipped that jewelry to somebody. Come on, spill it.

I tell you, I never saw no jewels.

We've covered the ground, chief, inside and out.

- The servants? - I'll start on them now.

- The guests too. - Everybody?

Everybody. We've got to find that stuff.

All right, sergeant. Get them all in the living room.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you all step in the living room?

- Are we to be searched? - Yes, I'm sorry.

- That's my orders. - Oh, don't apologize. I think it's thrilling.

It looks as if you mean business, inspector.

I certainly do.

One burglary after another. The commissioner's going crazy.

Telephone for you, Dr. Clitterhouse. Your nurse says it's quite important.

- May I answer the phone, Lewis? - Certainly, go ahead.

- Connors? - Yes?

Get the maid and the kitchen help. I wanna talk to them.

Line up over there, please. Lady, kindly step aside.

Line up and face this way, please.

Thank you.

Yes?

Well, that's not too good. No, I don't think we'd better wait until morning.

I'll be there in 20 minutes. Get him ready.

No, I'll do it with a spinal anesthetic.

Yes, immediately.

I ain't lying. There was somebody in that room...

...going through the safe when I crawled through the window.

Now, look...

I've got to rush to the hospital and do a little operation on Grant.

- Operation? Grant? Too bad. - Yes, may I leave now?

Certainly. I'll give you an escort, it'll save time.

- Hey, Tim. Go with the doctor. - Yes, sir.

You seem to be in a real state of nerves. You'd better look out for your health.

- You don't know the half of it. - Remember that high blood pressure.

If I don't start cracking some burglary cases...

...the commissioner will really give me high blood pressure.

Don't take it too seriously. No job is as important as your health. Good luck.

Now, listen, wise guy, quit your stalling. Where did you put that stuff?

Are you gonna start that again?

- Looking for my bag, Roberts? - Yes, sir.

- You'll find it on the floor. - Why, so it is.

I was certain, sir, I'd placed it on the shelf.

This excitement tonight, you understand.

Yes, I understand perfectly. Good night, Roberts.

Good night, Dr. Clitterhouse.

These anterior and posterior views of the laminae are not quite satisfactory.

You agree on the necessity of an operation tonight, doctor?

Possibly. Suppose we hurry through a stereo, Miss Donner.

You stop taking pictures and begin straightening me out.

Relax, counselor. Nothing to be jittery about.

I've had over a hundred clients face the electric chair.

- I've never been jittery. - But your clients were.

What are you up to now anyway, Clitterhouse?

Just another picture. A stereo view this time.

What is this, a hospital or a photographic gallery?

Now, take it easy, counselor. Flat on your back.

Legs over to one side, please, nurse. Here, hands like that. Like so.

Now, hold that, please.

How about one of me standing on my head?

There you are, Miss Donner. Now, let me see, uh...

Oh, uh, my glasses.

- Would you mind fetching them? - Yes, doctor.

We'll probably start with an elliptical incision here.

Oh, Clitterhouse, do you have to cut that much?

I'll have these developed in minutes, Miss Randolph.

Are you or are you not going to operate on me?

Seems to me the vertebrae...

...are at a much greater depth than one would expect.

The reason I prefer an elliptical incision.

To delay surgery may result in permanent paralysis.

Oh, Miss Randolph? What are you doing? Aren't you getting my glasses?

Yes, indeed, I... I have them right here.

I'm sorry if you had any difficulty finding them.

Not at all, doctor. Only your bag was unusually full.

Could I interrupt that big medical conference to ask for a cigarette?

Yes, by all means. Miss Randolph, you'll find some in my coat.

Now, flat on your tummy, counselor. There.

Here are the stereo views, Dr. Clitterhouse. They're very clear.

Thanks. Ah, here's what we need. Dr. Ames.

Mr. Grant, won't you please lie down and relax?

Relax? In the midst of this three-ring circus?

Miss Randolph? - Yes, doctor?

Give him a spinal anesthetic, all the trimmings.

I'll be ready for him in the operating room in 20 minutes.

- Oh, nurse? - Yes, doctor?

You won't forget to keep an eye on my bag.

It's impertinent of me...

...but shouldn't these jewels be kept in a secure place?

They were in a secure place until I took them out.

That seems to be a fairly accurate account.

The jewels were insured for over a hundred thousand dollars. Quite a haul.

Yes, indeed, quite a haul.

"One diamond platinum necklace, one diamond and sapphire brooch...

...one set of pearl earrings, two diamond rings..."

I don't remember two diamond rings.

Doctor, these jewels aren't the same as this list.

Would you mind reading that while I make an inventory?

You can't mean you actually stole these jewels?

They are the proceeds of... Let me see, Richardson, Sutherland, Challing, Updyke.

- My fourth burglary. - You, a burglar?

Well, not professionally. And never from any of my own patients.

That would be taking an unsporting advantage.

But they'll put you in prison for years.

Oh, that reminds me. Edward, drive by Inspector Lane's office.

- Inspector Lane? - Police headquarters.

But why?

On the theory that the best defense is a bold attack.

Would you mind reading that list, please?

I'm not interested in long-winded explanations.

- Give me some action. I want results. - You'll have them.

Inspector, you said that when Challing's place was robbed.

Challing is a prominent man. He wasn't insured and he's raising the roof.

It's lucky the Updyke's stuff was insured.

Never mind that. I want this solved.

Can't I depend upon anyone around here?

- I was just looking for you. - You were looking for me?

Stop it and get busy on the Updyke job.

- I can't depend on a soul around here. - I only wanted to explain...

I'm not interested in explanations. Give me some results.

- Make some arrests. I want action. Hi, captain.

Hey, what're you doing here? Why aren't you working on that Updyke suspect?

Can't I depend on anybody? Give me some action, lieutenant.

Why, doctor. Miss Randolph. What are you doing here?

I was worried about you. How are you feeling?

- I couldn't feel worse. How is Grant? - I got him straightened out now.

You know, I envy Grant, resting there in that nice, peaceful hospital.

No commissioners tearing their hair. No unsolved crimes.

No crooks lying to you or laughing at you.

But I'll be there soon, doc, unless I'm in a padded cell first.

I had an idea I'd find you a bundle of nerves. That's why I came by.

It wouldn't be so bad if I could get a decent night's rest.

Well, we'll take a look at you.

- Oh, Miss Randolph... - Yes, doctor.

Tell me, how did things turn out at the Updyke's? Anything new?

No. I don't believe that monkey ever had the jewels.

- Really? - Either he had a partner who got away...

...or this story about somebody else getting there first is true.

- An early bird who caught his worm. - Right.

And that same bird is probably responsible...

...for this entire series of burglaries.

And how many were there, inspector?