American Pie

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're so good.

Oh, yes. I am the best, baby.

- Oh, yeah! - Oh. Oh, that was a tit.

That is a tit! Yes!

Oh, you're so big!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right, baby.

- Oh, doggie wants to hide his bone. - Yes!

Oh, yeah! I'm bone smuggling, baby.

Man, would you shut up?

Hey, Jimmy. Just wanted to say sweet dreams.

Yeah, yeah. Sweet dreams. Goodnight, Mum.

Kiss goodnight.

Something wrong with the reception?

Yeah. Yeah.

There's this nature show...

- Take it off. - ...that I'm trying to watch.

And the birds are all scrambled

- and I can't even... - Do me! Yes!

Baby! Ride me like a pony!

The thing must be broken

or I sat on the remote or something.

Getting ready for bed, Son?

Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.

- Yeah? - No! No, I think

he's trying to watch some illegal channels here.

Illegal... Illegal channels?

This is just bad reception, honey.

- Oh, spank my hairy ass! - What's that?

Oh, baby!

You know what? Here. Just give me this, please...

- Oh, my God! - And let's get this...

Okay, okay. Let's... What the hell's the matter with this thing?

Yes!

Illegal channels? Shit!

If there's any channel that should be illegal, it's that "all-woman's" channel.

- Lifetime supply of pantyhose or some shit. - Yeah.

Hey, did you see The Little Mermaid on TV the other night?

- No. - Ariel, man. She's so hot!

She's a mermaid, dude.

Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.

Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's party. We got to go. It'll be great.

Why? All that happens at Stifler's parties is people get drunk and do it.

Yeah.

Now, come on, Kevin. Open it.

It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky. You got in.

If you think so, just open it.

Fine.

"Dear Miss Latham, we're sorry but after keeping you on the waiting list

"for the past couple of months, we've decided that you are now rejected."

Shut up!

You got in.

Yes! I love you!

Okay.

Hey, you think I should wear this shirt to Stifler's party?

You've worn that shirt for, like, three days in a row, man!

Guys. She said it.

Said what?

She said she loves me.

- Holy shit, dude! The "L" word? - Oh, man!

Cornell's not that far from U of M.

Yeah, it's only, like, seven hours.

Oh, and you get to drive across Canada.

Beautiful country.

Whatever. It's doable.

What we should do today, in band.

Instead of playing our instruments regularly, we should play them backwards.

- That'll be so funny! - Yeah.

No offence, but you're talking about

a post-high school, long-distance relationship.

And you and Kevin haven't even done it yet.

That's not why we're going out.

What do you expect him to drive to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?

We're gonna have sex when he's ready and I'm ready.

It's got to be completely perfect.

I want the right time, the right moment, the right place...

Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch. It's sex.

- Finch. - Here's the man we are looking for.

- Gentlemen. - What's going on, buddy?

Same old.

Finch. You got the Latin homework?

It means, "My dog ate it." It's Latin. It's a joke.

- It's a Latin joke. - Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.

You know, Jim, it's mochaccino.

What?

What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino. It's not coffee.

'Nova!

What's up, dude?

You coming to the party tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface?

Depends if my date wants to stop by.

I'm working on something new.

I got an idea about something new.

How about you guys actually locate your dicks,

remove the shrink-wrap and fucking use them!

Dude, it's gonna happen. She's a college chick.

Oh, right. I'll see you guys tonight.

I'll look for you in the no-fucking section.

All right. I'm shooting for a 9:00 ETA, beer in hand by five after.

Breath check.

Thank you.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

So, you got something up your sleeve for tonight?

This is a foolproof plan, my friend.

I have a serious question to ask you guys. Okay.

You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian chick? She might be there tonight.

Now, do you think she would prefer...

laid-back Jim, or...

cool, hip Jim?

I don't think it really matters with that shirt you're wearing.

What? Correct me if I'm wrong but you're the one with the girlfriend

and you're still stranded on third base.

Hey, at least I know what third base feels like, okay?

You're still just a batboy.

Batboy. Batboy.

What are you talking about?

Guys,

what exactly does third base feel like?

You wanna take this one?

Like warm apple pie.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Apple pie, huh? - Uh-huh.

McDonald's or homemade?

Gentlemen, destiny awaits.

That's number five and six for the Stif-meister!

Oh, yeah.

Oops!

- Holy! - Hey!

Nadia! Buenos dias. Glad you could make it.

I'll be back for you later.

- Now the party's startin'! - How you doing?

Welcome to Stifler's Palace of Love, fellas.

- The keg's back there! Enjoy! - Yeah.

Vicky, Jessica! Great to see you. Glad you could make it.

Haha, bitches!

- Sherman! - Hey!

What the fuck are you doing here?

Fellas! What's going on?

Sherman. Not much. Just scoping the babes.

Indeed! Some fine ladies here, boys.

Confidence is high. Repeat. Confidence is high.

Sherman is moving to DEFCON 2.

Full strategic arsenal ready for deployment.

Hey!

You have something going tonight, Sherman?

You see that Central chick, Bernette?

- No. - No.

She's around. Seems she's taken a liking to me.

Fellas, it's time she experienced the Sherminator.

Yeah, okay, Sherman. Whatever.

I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time

to change the future for one lucky lady.

Go get 'em, tiger.

I'll be back!

- Hopeless. - Completely.

- Hi. - Hey, Vic.

Oh, shit. Guys, guys.

There's Nadia and she just looked at me.

She just looked at me.

Well, why don't you go talk to her?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, Kev. I should just go talk to her.

Yeah, I could do that. Sure.

Sure.

Kev? Kev?

Yeah. Yeah.

That's great!

See you later.

We're here for the party.

What party? There's no party.

Weird. Try the house down the street.

So, what's your major?

Post-modern feminist thought.

Oh, cool. Great night, isn't it?

Sure.

Yeah, it's just something about the springtime that's just cool, you know?

Like the smell of fresh rain or something.

Suck me, beautiful.

What did you just say?

Suck me, beautiful.

My friends call me "Nova," as in Casanova.

That's pathetic.

Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.

Well, there's just some things you need to learn, that's all.

- Like what? - Well, you've got to tone it down.

You don't need to come to a place like Lookout Point

and spout off cheeseball lines to be romantic.

Okay.

You have to pay attention to a girl.

Be sensitive to her feelings. Relationships are reciprocal.

Come on, Casanova. I'll take you back to your friends.

Vicky, think it's time to take the next step in our relationship?

Tonight?

Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.

I mean, it's how you've always pictured it, isn't it?

Man, my farts fucking stink!

Dude, you gotta take a shit! You smell like a yeti!

Or not.

Just relax.

You actually said that?

Shut up!