Creepshow

Those rattling pipes are driving me mad.

There's black gunk coming out of the faucet!

Those leaks you won't fix

gave my grandpa pneumonia and now he might die,

you reprehensible bitch!

Carruthers Brothers Plumbing?

Meet out there now

or you won't be in the plumbing game much longer.

This is gonna be fun.

Animals!

That's what you think it is? Animals?

Please. The folks in this building are the animals.

Do you know what these people flush down their drains?

I've seen it all, ma'am.

Grease, first of all, from their greasy foreign food.

And hair, you wouldn't believe the hair.

These people!

People who aren't from around here.

Their hair just clogs differently.

Will you look at this?

There's water everywhere!

Stupid leaky pipes, getting everything all wet!

And that smell!

Mold and god knows what else.

Ew!

Even the animals here have animals.

Ooh.

Yeah, this isn't good.

I'm sorry.

Did I purchase the deluxe plumber's commentary package?

Just tell me how much it's going to run!

Okay, well, truth is, ma'am, even if I could repair

these pipes, they look like lead to me.

You have children living here?

Of course there's children living here!

Animals breed, don't they?

Okay, lead is toxic to kids.

Gives them brain damage,

learning deficiencies, behavioral disorders.

They got laws now.

I cannot repair lead pipes, I can only gut them.

You listen to me.

- Linus. - Linus.

This pillar of shit is the worst building I own.

Do you think I'm going to spring for 20 miles of

state-of-the-art copper pipe

just so these animals can ruin it?

Yeah, just telling you your legal options here.

Do you know why I called you, Linus?

It wasn't because you had the biggest billboard in town,

if you catch my drift.

It was because your plumbing outfit

had the most complaints filed at City Hall.

That was my brother.

He passed away, and I've spent my...

Contractors will nickel-and-dime

a woman to death if she lets them.

My little trick is combing through those

public complaint files and finding businesses

that can't afford one more bad review.

So, you report these lead pipes to Health and Safety,

it'll be the last report you ever make.

You won't be cleaning sewers.

You'll be living in one!

Understood?

Yeah.

Good.

Now, I'm afraid I must leave you to it.

My Chardonnay won't enjoy itself, will it?

I don't want to regret pulling you out of the gutter

for this one last job, Linus.

Call me when you finish!

Fucking Karen.

I think you ate the wrong rat, cat.

Yeah, I think I'm on the side of the animals.

What the hell?

No, no, I don't think I need this job that badly.

Out of here.

Fucking racist-ass lady.

Can find her own damn plumber, okay,

'cause I am done.

Okay, yep, we don't need that shit today.

Just a second.

Coming, coming.

Can I help you?

Wait a second.

I got this.

The tool belt, the bucket.

The slime.

You're a plumber.

Iyes, I'm a plumber.

I traced the problem to your unit here.

I know it's late, but your landlord, Victoria,

she's just really wanting this job done tonight.

Victoria?

I'd watch my ass if I were you.

She loves to take contractors to court before she pays up.

Have a good shift, Miss Ingersoll.

- Come on. - Thank you.

Yeah.

Behold, the presidential suite.

You would not believe what she charges for this place.

And you're the first repairman I've seen in years.

And I'm not the first one to complain.

The other neighbors have issues too.

Hey.

Can we hurry this up?

I just got off my shift and I have to go pick up my daughter.

Bathroom?

Mr. Wasserman, he lives down the hall.

He told me that he felt something hairy

in the shower under his toes.

And Mrs. Chen, she lives upstairs,

she said that her kitchen sink stops up

and she heard some chirping noise?

And then there's Leila, that's my girl.

She said that she saw something furry in the toilet.

I told her it was just her imagination, but...

It was a rat.

What?

Sorry.

- Don't tell me that. - No, no, no, tell me that.

Nah, you've got a bunch of sludge in your pipes.

Rats are smart.

They find a smorgasbord like this,

they just move right in,

start getting big and fat and mean.

Now you sound like Victoria.

She talks about us.

Look, I have to pick up Leila.

It's gonna take me about 30 minutes,

so I am going to leave you here.

Please don't make me regret that, okay?

I got this.

I got you now, you rat bastard.

Jesus Christ.

What is that?

I got you now.

Come on.

I got you now, rat.

A-ha!

No!

Shit!

I got you now, motherfucker!

Slimy piece of shit!

Take off my hand.

Hey, you see that, bro?

Carruthers Brothers Plumbing always gets the job done,

or my name ain't Linus Carruthers!

Get it off!

Where are my tools?

Jesus!

Get it off!

I can't see!

God, it stings my skin!

Get it off, get it off!

Come at me, clog!

What the hell is that?

You had

a drain clog.

What happened to rats?

No rats.

The clog probably ate the rats.

Who are you calling?

Animal control? CDC?

I have a better idea.

Hi, Ms. Smoot?

- Are you finished? - Well, not really?

- Why? - What now?

I think you better just see this for yourself.

You're gonna make me drive all the way

down there at this hour?

Middle of the night, rolling around in the dark.

Plumber, where are you?

You know what time it is, plumber?

If you think I'm paying you for a five-hour job

that should've taken you one, you're in for a big surprise.

Where are you,

you little son of a giant towering bitch?

Hey, what is this?

I thought I made myself clear.

There's not going to be any unionizing here.

No co-ops!

My building has one woman in charge Me.

He didn't fix it?

He didn't fix it!

That backstabbing wrench monkey didn't do shit!

Have any of you seen the plumber?

I thought you told me on the phone

you'd found the problem!

I found it.

Well, what is it?

It's you. You're the problem.

Hold on a second.

Just hold on.

Lead pipes, Victoria.

You weren't gonna tell us?

We have children that live here.

You listen to me, 236!

All of you people, you listen to what I say!